


Valentine's Day - bland and shallow, like most things in the Republic

by Belsmomaus



Series: Traditions [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Brendol Hux's A+ Parenting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kylo's PoV, M/M, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Soft Kylux, Threat of Rape, graphic depiction of violence in two chapters, no one gets raped, then procedes up to Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-03-17 12:45:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 77,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13659267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belsmomaus/pseuds/Belsmomaus
Summary: “You’re frightening me, Hux. I know you’re keeping something from me and it’s eating you up for weeks now. And it’s getting worse.”Under any other circumstances Kylo would’ve been ashamed by his outburst, but right now he couldn’t spare the energy. He just wanted clarity.___Hux has a custom of his own homeworld to share. But is Kylo ready for it?(Although the tags might lead you astray and this is darker than intended in some places, it IS – as the title suggests – a Valentine’s Day story.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again,  
> two years have my notes had to wait for me, but then 'The Last Jedi' jumpstarted my dying muse again and all those little notes were quickly put together into a story. One that grew much bigger than expected. It was also supposed to be equally light hearted as the last installment, but I totally failed on that one, I guess. Oops, my bad, but not sorry. This story takes a closer look at some aspects of Hux' past, that's the reason it's much darker in places than the last one. It's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, so, you've been warned. 
> 
> Again I post this one day early. I've got a reason, but maybe tomorrow's chapter will clear that up for you.
> 
> You'll get another chapter tomorrow and after that every three to four days until I'm done writing the ending and editing the whole thing, then they'll come faster.
> 
> Only one thing left to say: have fun!

 

Kylo _longed_ for his bed right now.

The constant glare of the flight console of his shuttle had his eyes burning, like the dry and scorching surface of a sand dune in a desert. Even shutting down the engine – and therefore the blinking lights as well – brought barely any relief. At this point simply keeping them open resembled a twisted and cruel kind of torture. So he shut them, only for a moment, to allow them some respite, now that he was finally home again.

The darkness was bliss for his tormented eyes and so very, very welcome for his exhausted mind as well. He could feel himself slipping and yet it took the sudden sagging of his head to shock him back into alertness.

He got up quickly, unwilling to allow another lapse like this one. With a deep breath he rolled his shoulders and tensed and relaxed his muscles in rapid succession to restore some semblance of wakefulness into his body.

It worked.

For now.

He grabbed his dark mask from the copilot’s chair, slipped it over his head with practiced ease and left his shuttle with his usual long and heavy strides. His gaze fixed on the first technician he spotted: an elderly looking guy half hidden by the wing of the TIE-fighter he was currently working on together with a droid.

“Hey, you!” He was glad to hear that his voice sounded just as sharp and dangerous through the vocoder as always.

The man startled, then hurried around the wing to dare a look at him and his ship behind him. He gulped visibly and his lips trembled slightly, no doubt on the verge of stuttering a frightened reply.

Usually Kylo would’ve enjoyed the fear his mere presence could incite in this simple technician, but not right now. He had currently neither the nerve nor the patience for it.

“My ship got damaged in an attack. Make sure that it gets repaired.”

“Of course, Sir… Lord Ren.”

He was sure that it had actually been nothing but chance or maybe a lucky guess that the Resistance had stumbled upon him near the barren moon he’d used for his month long training mission for his Knights of Ren, especially since they showed up out of the blue barely twenty minutes after his Knights had dispersed into space yet again.

Well, in any case, it had turned into an _un_ lucky day for the Resistance, anyway. They’d been unprepared, too few and nothing more than a mildchallenge for his piloting skills, but – as far too often – this ragtag band of misfits showed the talent for being a pesky nuisance no matter what. The few hits they’d actually landed had taken out his long-range communication, his autopilot and damaged some part of the engines. The hyperdrive had still been functional, but there’d been a constant power leakage that had forced him to reduce speed to get back at all.

So, after a full month of training, of pushing his body and mind to its limits, he’d been forced to crawl back through space for two days instead of five hours, unable to send a message to the Finalizer, unable to go faster and unable to let the autopilot take over to get some much needed rest.

But he was back now. Finally.

He’d get back to his own quarters, just eager for some hours of blissful, well-earned sleep. But he’d alert Hux of his return and tell him that he’d come to him tomorrow when he felt like a human being again. It was the sensible decision.

Kylo strode through the corridors of the Finalizer, his mind already fixed on thoughts of his bed, as the shrill beeping of a droid pulled him back into the here and now. He’d almost kicked the little sentry droid that let off a stream of angry noises. Balling his hands into fists he forced himself to stay focused until he reached his quarters.

And when he did, he noticed that the corridors seemed unusually quiet. Every now and then officers and workers crossed his path, but not nearly as many as there should be. Was it nighttime? He had no idea. He’d been awake for so long he’d lost all track of time.

He shrugged. It wasn’t important.

That’s when he heard the voices right behind the bend in a side corridor. Quiet voices. Or simply muffled by distance.

“For me?” The surprise of the woman was unmistakable.

“You like it?” Another voice, it sounded vaguely familiar. Someone from the Bridge-crew?

“I _love_ it!”

The onslaught of love and admiration and simple, genuine happiness that transpired through the Force – projected outwards by the sheer strength of those feelings – hit him unprepared and almost made him lose his footing.

It was a nice feeling. Rich and pure and warm.

It made him think of Hux.

Four long weeks. Oh how he’d missed his ginger general. His piercing eyes that seemed to see and know everything. His devilish grin that meant two very different things depending on if it was used in private or in public. His slender body pressed close against his. Hell, he’d even missed those chunks of ice that he called feet.

He longed to hold Hux in his arms, to bury his face against his neck, to kiss him senseless, to…

Grinding his teeth against the simple act of shutting the Force and the feelings it brought out – it shouldn’t be this strenuous – he managed to push all thoughts of Hux out of his mind again. But it was too late already. The uneasy feeling was back. The anxious pressure around his chest.

Hux had been acting strange lately. Restless. Distracted. Something was worrying him, greatly even, but he wouldn’t talk about it. No, worse than that, whenever Kylo had asked about what’s bothering him, he’d flat out denied that anything was the matter. But it _was_! Kylo could see it. Could feel it. But whatever it was, Hux kept it hidden. He kept it hidden so expertly that Kylo almost regretted showing him how to keep a lid on one’s surface thoughts and emotions so that they wouldn’t spill out for any force-user to see.

And no matter what, he wouldn’t peek into Hux mind without his permission.

It wasn’t something regarding the Order or his work, he was sure of that, because outside of their little refuge, out in public, Hux was the same brilliant tactician and stoic, well-organized general that he always was. Only when they were together, something was just… off.

It had taken him days of hard training to finally push it aside for later evaluation. He couldn’t allow personal stuff like this to interfere with his training. Snoke would know and he wouldn’t be happy about it. Not at all.

But now the uneasy feeling was back. And he didn’t have the energy to face it, not right away. Not without some rest.

  


***

  


The door to his quarters had never looked so inviting.

Without much more than the quiet ‘whoosh’ it slid open and he stepped inside, still glad for his mask as it protected his sore eyes from the glaring light inside. The same hurtful brightness as in the corridors.

Wait a second…

The lights were already on in his quarters. They shouldn’t.

He tensed – his mind instantly gripping for the Force – and turned fully to have a good look at the whole room. And stumbled as he let the Force slip through his fingers again at what he saw there, standing in the middle of the austere room.

“Hux?”

He should’ve known. Should’ve detected his familiar aura at once. He really, _really_ needed sleep, if even his lover’s presence in his quarters could startle him.

“You’re late.”

Kylo almost snorted, but somehow it seemed too much effort. So he just stood there, barely a step inside, the door behind him closed again.

The familiar annoyance to his lover’s clipped tone made him smile. His eyes skimmed over his face, his sharp features and accurately styled hair until they finally settled on the worry and relief in his gaze.

_Oh you lovable fool, you worry too much. You can’t worry every time I’m not back on time. Every time I can’t contact you._

And yet Kylo loved him for it.

He wanted nothing more than to close the distance in a heartbeat and hug the redhead close, bury his nose against his neck and breathe him in after all this time. He wanted to rake his hands through his hair, destroy that accurate angles and lure out the wild beast underneath. He wanted to ravish those lips, to taste him, feel his skin beneath his fingers. He wanted so much and all at once and even thinking about it made almost stumble with exhaustion.

He blinked against the burning dryness of his eyes and when the image of Hux finally swam into focus again his smile slowly fell. Something wasn’t right. Just like before he left.

There was a strange tension to Hux’ shoulders and his hands were… were actually _fidgeting_. A nervous energy seemed to have a hold on him and it took a lot out of him to simply stand still instead of pacing.

And he was still so very far away from him. After his last long mission Hux had been all over him the second he’d stepped foot into their quarters, eager for contact, for touch. Not this time, though.

Something was seriously wrong here.

The uneasiness settled into his stomach like a stone. Heavy and hard and painfully sharp.

_Not now. Please… I can’t…_

“Are you okay?” Hux frowned at him, took a tentative step forward, then stopped. Kylo couldn’t shake the feeling that it should be _him_ asking that question. “Mitaka said you reported some damage to the shuttle when you called in earlier. And… you haven’t moved since you came in here.”

Kylo took a few steps into the room to prove that he was okay and gave a noncommittal shrug. “Ran into a Resistance patrol or something. They managed a few lucky shots before their end. Nothing that can’t be repaired.”

“And you?”

That small smile was back on his lips. “I’m fine, Hux.” The vocoder turned his tired fondness into a cold sigh. He cringed.

“Oh, good. That’s… that’s good.”

And there it was again. The nervousness that was just wrong. Fumbling for words. Stuttering. This wasn’t like Hux at all. Just like his gaze that flitted everywhere but at him. Even back when he’d been fighting with himself to finally get those magical three words over his lips in that spa there hadn’t been this underlying aura of uneasiness about him.

A sudden wave of _something_ escaped Hux’ mind. Too short and too chaotic for Kylo to make sense of. Just a messy tangle of self-berating, shame, anger and… fear?

And for a second, just a tiny little second, the words “just do it, dammit” hung in the room as clear as if Hux had spoken them out loud.

The sharp edged weight in his stomach grew heavier and even more uncomfortable. He closed his eyes, just for a second to brace himself for whatever may come, and yet he could feel his head swim and his knees weaken just from that tiny glimpse of dark oblivion.

He couldn’t do this now.

“Kylo, I- I wanted to- I’ve been thinking and...” Hux halted, licked his lips, then his eyebrows drew together and a touch of the familiar Hux-annoyance found its way back into his gaze and strengthened his stumbling words. “Could you please take that thing off? I’m trying to talk to you here.”

What thing?

His mask?

Wait, was he still wearing that?

“Oh.” It sounded dumb, but it was the best he could accomplish at the moment.

His hands lifted and his fingers fumbled for the release of his mask. It hadn’t be this hard to reach last time, right?

He could see that Hux’ frown grew deeper and deeper. Irritated. Then confused. And worried in the end.

He didn’t want him to worry. He never did. And yet he was glad for it, too. For that worry brought the Hux back that he knew. Gone was the nervous fidgeting and the stumbling.

Before he knew it Hux was right in front of him and he wasn’t sure when or how that had happened. Surprisingly strong hands wrapped themselves around his shoulders. He shouldn’t be surprised though, he knew that Hux was stronger than he looked. In body and quite certainly in mind. The strong grip held him tight, steady, and only the absence of the slight swaying made him aware of it in the first place.

_Oh._

“You’re not okay.”

It was a statement. Even if he’d had the energy to fight against it right now, there wouldn’t be much point to it, really.

A hiss sounded, cool air wafted against the lower parts of his face and then his mask was pulled from his head. And brutal brightness attacked his eyes. It burned him, stung his eyes and pierced right back into his very brain. He curled in on himself, one of his hands pressed over his face as protection – _too late_ – and the room tilted precariously.

A deep rumbling sound filled the room. Some mix between a growl and a groan.

And those hands were back and kept him steady.

For a moment there was nothing but the touch of those strong hands and the slowly abating rasping of his breaths. And slowly the blinding pain in his skull dulled down to the mild throbbing and infernal burning of his eyeballs.

“Kylo?”

He took a steadying breath, just as one of the hands left and pried his own gloved fingers from his face. He winced, ready for a new attack of pain and light, but the room was blissfully dark this time around. Well, more like dimly lit. Hux must’ve reduced the lights.

Nonetheless his eyes started watering the second he opened them.

“Kriff, Kylo, you look like shit!”

It sounded equal parts offended as worried. Okay, maybe more worried than offended.

Still, it made him chuckle through the tears that forced their way across his face. And a very dry “thanks” slipped from his lips.

The blurs of his vision shifted, something was moving and then soft fingers caressed his cheek. Wiped the wetness away and stroked across the area beneath one eye, trailing the dark shadows there. Warm skin against his, not the cool leather of his glove.

It was so damn hard to not simply give in to the touch. To close his eyes, lean against that gentle caress and surrender to his exhaustion.

The fingers stopped moving and Hux’ voice wafted through the haze in his mind. He was using his no-nonsense tone, the one he’d perfected to not betray his emotions. The one his men had learned to fear for most of the time it simply meant that there _was_ a fierce emotion that needed covering. Mostly a cold, simmering anger that didn’t bode well for anybody.

Was he angry now?

No. No, he wasn’t. His touch was too gentle and the chaotic storm of carefully reigned in emotions from before was gone. Just…

“When was the last time you slept?”

He really wasn’t sure about that. “What day is it?”

“Okay. That’s all I need to know.”

Before he got a chance to react, Hux was already leading him towards his bedroom, reducing the lights inside to a minimum along the way. Kylo was gently nudged to sit down only to feel the soft mattress of his bed beneath him like a promise of safety and comfort. Long and slender fingers quickly divested him of his gloves, his cowl, his belt and slipped between the open lapels of his coat to slide it from his shoulders.

It’s embarrassing how long it actually took his mind to process that _Hux_ was undressing him. Pulling his boots from his feet. Guiding him to stand up so he could snatch the coat from the bed and open his pants.

And the whole time a constant stream of scolding and reproaches rained down on him, gruff and exasperated and in complete contrast to the careful diligence of his gentle touches. It was just so typically Hux that Kylo finally relaxed.

It was okay. They were okay.

He didn’t fight one bit when the redhead pushed him back into his pillow. His back welcomed the softness of his mattress like an old and dearly missed friend and the moment he found himself horizontal, his muscles finally turned to jelly. The darkness pressed in on him, alluring him with the promise of deep oblivion. Not that he needed much enticing right now.

It was the soft touch of fingertips on his face that kept him from giving in completely. Those warm caresses that ghosted over his closed lids and collected the rest of his involuntary tears. Lips pressed against his. Gentle and without rush.

The touch of fingertips stayed. Trailed slowly down his cheek, along the line of his neck until Hux’ whole palm rested against his naked chest. Lingering.

Hesitating.

Then the mattress moved.

The hand left in favor of his blanket.

And a kiss caressed his brow. So feather-light he barely felt it. Matching the quiet whisper that almost escaped his senses as well.

“Sleep tight.”

Then he was gone. Nothing left but the ghost of his touch and the soft rustle of his clothes as he moved through the room.

_What?_

Kylo knew that Hux wasn’t exactly fond of his quarters – too messy – and he certainly disliked the remnants of his grandfather’s mask – _that thing is filthy and ugly, Ren_ – but they’d been apart for weeks. Did he really just want to leave him alone now?

_It’s exactly what you had planned in the beginning._

But now it just felt- _wrong_. He didn’t want him to leave. The sharp stones churned in his stomach and that pressure was back on his rips, making him overly aware of every breath he took, of every unsteady beat of his heart.

It was fear. A nameless fear that he couldn’t grasp.

“Stay?”

He sounded pathetic.

“Please?”

He couldn’t find it in him to care.

It was absolutely quiet for a while. Nothing was moving.

Hux _hesitated_.

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I learned some interesting things writing this (not just this chapter but the whole story):   
> Kylo's POV doesn't come easy to me. Not. At. All. (Unlike Hux' for some reason)   
> I really hope I managed to get it work anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo needs some answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day to everyone who's celebrating!  
> To everybody else: have a wonderful day as well! :D

 

Hux _hesitated._

  


_***_

  


His heart beat faster, pumping the feeling of wrongness through his whole body. Just as Kylo was about to _somehow_ force his eyes back open a whispered ‘okay’ sounded through the room. He didn’t trust that small sound, not right now, not with this strange fear filling his exhausted mind. So he forced his eyes open anyway.

It took a few moments until the dark shapes formed clear images. Hux was still there, taking his clothes off. Slowly. Meticulously. Folding each piece before he placed it neatly onto whatever free space he found in that corner he stood in. Clad in nothing but his underwear he stepped into the fresher and only then did Kylo wonder what time it actually was. Was it even evening? Or nighttime?

Or was it early morning and he’d asked Hux to stay away from his duty to crawl into bed with him? Was that why he’d hesitated?

But he hadn’t used his comlink to inform anyone of anything, right? Had he missed it?

He wasn’t sure, his mind too sluggish to work it out. He simply wanted Hux. And Hux would tell him in no uncertain words if his timing for being needy was awful.

He somehow found the energy to roll onto his side, his eyes closed again. No idea when that had happened. If it weren’t for that nagging unease he’d have fallen asleep right then and there. Instead his lips quirked into a tired smile as he heard the quiet ‘lights off’, right before he felt the blanket move. A moment later Hux nudged against his outstretched hand.

Kylo didn’t wait for an invitation. He wrapped his arm around his lover and pulled him close, back flat against his chest, to bury his nose against the soft skin of Hux’ neck. He let his splayed hand rest against Hux’ belly and wrapped his legs around his lover’s until his hot skin enveloped those slim feet, cold as always. His lips twitched into another tired smile at that.

The whole flight back he’d longed for this. To breathe the scent of his Hux, of safety and wholeness and _home_.

“I missed you,” he finally mumbled into freckled skin.

“I missed you, too,” Hux sighed. His right hand trailed along Kylo’s arm until it came to rest above his hand on his belly. He slowly entwined their fingers and pulled their joined hands higher until they rested right in the middle of his chest where he curled around them.

Kylo sank deeper into his bed, every limb heavy with bone deep exhaustion. Warmth surrounded him, Hux’ hair tickled the skin above his right eyebrow. The long awaited oblivion crawled just along the edges of his consciousness, ready to swallow him.

And yet sleep wouldn’t come.

It was Hux.

There was a tension to his body that shouldn’t be there. And the dark shadow of a constant maelstrom of thoughts, kept carefully hidden behind the shields he’d taught him to build. But those shields could only do so much. They could hide the nature of Hux’ turmoil, but not the dark shape of it that hung over him like a toxic cloud.

That churning was back full force. His stomach cramping against his worry and trepidation.

His heartbeat suddenly thumped so hard and loud he was sure Hux must have been able to hear it, too. But the other man stayed motionless.

Kylo’s hand twitched. Anxious. Gripped those slender fingers just a little bit tighter.

“Hux?” It was barely more than a whisper.

“You should sleep.”

“What did you want to talk about?”

He could feel Hux’ breath hitch. Could feel how his body tensed even further in his embrace. And he hesitated yet again.

“It can wait. It’s not important. Just… get some sleep, Kylo. You need it.”

_Yes, I need it! And you’re deflecting. And I can’t… not like this… why won’t you… I need to sleep Hux…_

“I can’t.”

For a second it was eerily silent in the room. Everything was still apart from his hammering heart. Then Hux started moving. He edged a tiny bit away from him to have more room to lean back and turn his head his way. The rustling of the sheets sounded louder than it had any right to.

Kylo could feel Hux’ gaze on him, although it was impossible to see anything in the darkness of the room.

“What do you mean, you can’t?”

Again his fingers twitched. Only this time Hux closed his hand tighter around his in answer.

“What did you want to talk about?” It wasn’t just the repetition that put more urgency behind his words. His voice was wavering, his tired mind unable to maintain even a modicum of control.

There was no hesitation this time. Hux let go of his hand, squirmed within his embrace for a moment before he finally managed to turn around in the dark.

Kylo couldn’t see him, but he could feel him. Could feel his cold feet that quickly tangled back between his. The warmth that radiated from his chest that was just a tiny bit out of reach. The soft breaths that puffed against his jaw. One of Hux’ hands found his shoulder and followed his body upwards until it gently cupped his cheek and pulled him a bit forward. Warm and welcoming lips waited for him in the dark, soothing his agitated mind and tired body underneath a blanket of familiarity and closeness and reassurance.

The kiss ended far too quickly. And it left him drowsy.

“It can really wait until tomorrow, Kylo.” Fingertips moved and carded through his hair, scratching gently against his skin, just the way he liked it. “I don’t like seeing you like this. Not unless I’m the one to tire you out.” The smirk in his voice was unmistakable and it put a smile on Kylo’s lips. “Now, get some rest, okay? Relax. It can wait.”

The fingers pulled back and trailed down to his chest, where they splayed open against his skin as if to get the maximum of contact out of the touch. In the meantime Hux shuffled a bit closer and buried his head right underneath Kylo’s chin, his nose rubbing softly against his neck. His own hand, still settled on Hux’s back, pulled him closer on instinct until they lay flush against each other from their belly buttons down.

“Just relax, will you?” It tickled, the breath of whispered words against his skin. And as if to emphasize his meaning Hux’ thumb started rubbing soothingly across his chest.

This was good. Familiar and close and _good_. Gone was the tension in Hux’ limbs as he molded himself to Kylo’s body, finally relaxing from whatever bothered him.

Exhaustion dragged him deeper into the warmth and familiarity of his lover.

And yet that barely hidden dark cloud was still there. Smaller than before. Much smaller. As if mostly neglected for the moment. But still there.

He couldn’t.

“Lights, 5%.”

Instantly the room was filled with dim, diffuse light, that created more shadows than anything else and yet, for a second, even that hurt his eyes.

A rumbling sound emerged from underneath his head, caught somewhere between a groan, a growl and a tired sigh. “Really?”

Kylo rubbed his hand over his face, trying to rub the sting out of his eyes and some semblance of alertness into his tired flesh. Hux pushed back, away from him, and a part of him screamed at the loss, afraid he was lost for good.

“Yeah, really...” he sighed and opened his eyes. Hux was maybe a foot away, lying on his side, his head propped up on his hand. He was annoyed, that much was clear. And yet Kylo could also see him gulp. And _that_ set his nerves on edge all over again.

He wanted to sit up and lean against the headboard or at least prop himself up like Hux did, but no matter his mental agitation, his body refused. So he stayed where he was and glanced at the ginger out of the depth of his pillow. Only his hand pushed forward into the space between them. Needing to bridge the distance and yet afraid of actually doing so by touching Hux. It came to rest mere inches away from Hux’ own hand that he’d curled against his chest.

“It’s noth...”

“You’re frightening me, Hux.” That shut the other up at once, his eyes big with surprise and something else. “I know you’re keeping something from me and it’s eating you up for weeks now. And it’s getting worse. I know you love me. I do. But-- I can’t shake this feeling that something between us is changing. That _this –_ whatever it is – is pulling you away from me. Was it something I did? Did I hurt you somehow? I don’t want to lose you, but sometimes it feels as if I already have and maybe that’s stupid, but I’m so damn tired I can barely think straight and I can’t take it anymore and please, just pleas-- talk to me?”

Under any other circumstances he would’ve been ashamed by his outburst, but right now he couldn’t spare the energy. He just wanted clarity. Wanted to know what’s going on. Wanted to get a chance at peace and rest.

He didn’t want to lose him!

_Please Hux!_

Hux just stared at him out of big eyes – _vulnerable_ eyes – his mouth slightly open.

“I- I had no idea...”

And then Hux bridged the gap between them by closing his hand tightly around his. He pulled their joined hands up and pressed a kiss to his fingers.

“Oh you ridiculous idiot!” Hux said with a shaky laugh and his bright eyes seemed to blaze as if to implore whatever came next right into Kylo’s skull. “You didn’t-- you _never_ hurt me! Never! You hear me? And you’re not losing me! You’re not!”

Kylo blinked. Surprised by the sudden vehemence in front of him, by the display of raw emotion in his lover’s voice that was a stark contrast to the careful distance he’d experienced for a while now.

Flustered, Hux slid closer to him. “I’m sorry. I had no idea that you- I didn’t-” He took a deep breath, although it didn’t do much good in composing him again. “I had to work through some things- difficult things-”

“I could’ve helped you.”

Hux shook his head. “No.”

Kylo wasn’t prepared for how much that hurt. Just a simple action. A simple word. And yet it pierced right through him. Shutting him out.

Hux eye’s widened all of a sudden. Shock and guilt written all over his face as he rushed closer and gripped Kylo’s hand even tighter. “Nononono, that’s not what-- you’ve helped already! I-” A frustrated groan left his lips.

Before Kylo could even try to comprehend those words and their possible meaning or his lover’s absolutely atypical agitation, Hux had pushed himself up into a sitting position. The blanket fell from his lean form and pooled around his hips as he raised a hand to rake his fingers through his hair all the way back to his neck. His hand was shaking slightly. With a determined breath he pulled his legs under him until he sat cross-legged right next to Kylo and took his hand again.

“Alright,” he gave a nervous little laugh, “now’s as good a time as any, as it seems.”

Kylo simply stared. He had no idea what to think. This nervous, fumbling, _strange_ version of his lover did nothing to ease his anxiousness and yet he could feel the strong pulses of love emanating from Hux that warmed and assured him and yet confused him even more. He wondered if he would’ve been able to make sense of this all if he’d been awake and rested.

“Do you know what day it is? Today, I mean?”

_Huh?_

He shook his head. What’s that got to do with anything?

A small smile teased across Hux’ lips. He’d expected that answer.

“It’s Valentine’s Day.”

That came unexpected.

And all the implications washed over him right after.

It’s Valentine’s Day and he hadn’t even realized. He didn’t have a present for Hux. Nothing.

Adrenaline suddenly flooded his bloodstream, forced a tiny bit of alertness back into his sluggish mind. He hadn’t even known that Hux celebrated that. It was a tradition from the core worlds after all and Hux had been born and raised in the Outer Rim and the Unknown Regions.

But he should’ve known!

“Hey, relax!” Hux chuckled above him, his expression completely open now, even amused. “That was simply an observation. I’ve never cared much for that stupid custom of gift giving once a year. It’s so bland and shallow.”

Kylo took a deep breath to calm his frantic and confused mind again. So this wasn’t about him destroying some great plans for this day. Okay. Now, come to think of it, that wouldn’t have made sense anyway.

But it explained the strange interaction he’d witnessed earlier in the corridors of the Finalizer. And it explained why it had been so quiet. Anyone who had loved ones somewhere was probably on some kind of comlink, if they couldn’t be there in person.

“So- what’s Valentine’s Day got to do with it, then?” he asked, finally finding his voice again.

And the amused glint in Hux’ eyes faded away in favor of this nervousness that he only ever allowed to show in private and only with him. But never to such a degree. Certainly not since that final day of his Mid-Winter calendar eight months ago when he’d finally uttered those beautiful three words for the very first time.

“Like I said, it’s a bland and shallow custom. It lacks depth and sincerity, like most things in the Republic. But- it made me think of a custom we had back on Arkanis. I only heard about it a few times. It fascinated the little boy that I was back then. I was too young when we had to leave to even think about practicing it myself one day. And later, the few times I remembered it, I would’ve never thought of doing it myself. Never.” Hux’ fingers closed tighter around his hand and his eyes fixed him in a disbelieving smile. “And then I met you. And you wiggled yourself inside, no matter what kind of wall or barrier you had to cross. And you gave me this wonderful gift and made me a part of your traditions. You shared so much with me. You never shut me out. Well,” he paused and a cheeky grin settled on his features, “unless you’re pissed, but I guess that’s only fair.”

Kylo wasn’t exactly sure where this was going, but he wanted to tell Hux that he didn’t need to feel pressured or something. That just because he gave Hux a part of himself he didn’t expect to get equally back. Hux was a private man who kept his emotions, this thoughts, just about anything, close to his chest and with the few things he actually knew about the other’s past that wasn’t surprising at all.

But he also knew that if he interrupted him now, he’d only make things worse.

Whatever Hux had worked himself up to, he needed to get it out and actually getting it out was obviously hard on him, so he wouldn’t interfere. Just listen.

“It’s an ancient custom between couples. To- strengthen their bond. Their closeness. It’s called _Cennadan Fae_. Which,” he licked his lips for a second, “which translates more or less to ‘baring one’s soul’.”

It was quiet for a moment. Now Kylo knew why Hux had been so distant and nervous. He’d been at war with himself if he should do this or not, feeling the need to somehow reciprocate to the calendar he’d given him. He squeezed Hux’ fingers gently between his own and captured his gaze.

“You don’t have to do this, Hux.”

Hux lips twitched before he got his muscles under control again and pressed them together into a straight line. “I know. But I want to.”

Somehow, Kylo wasn’t totally convinced by that. And yet he knew that if Hux had set his mind to something it was futile to steer him any other way. And he was too damn tired to try such a thing. But just knowing what’s going on he could feel his unease dissolve. Just as his fear.

He wasn’t losing Hux.

No, on the contrary.

Hux wanted to take a step further and ‘bare his soul’ to him.

He didn’t need to. And Kylo didn’t want him to if he only did it because he felt he _had_ to.

But there was also this warm feeling inside his chest at the idea that Hux trusted him enough to open up to him, to even think about something like this.

He finally relaxed into his mattress again, his eyes droopy as he gently pulled on Hux’ hand and managed to lift the blanket a bit with his elbow.

“Come here, you crazy, crazy man.”

The following indignant huff made him chuckle. And just a moment later Hux was back in his arms, pressed against him just like before. Only this time, there was no underlying tension and no dark cloud of turmoil anywhere around.

It was just warm skin and pliant muscle, reassuring, loving touches and tickling breaths.

Kylo lazily pursed his lips and pressed a kiss to Hux, unsure where exactly it would land. His eyebrow as it seemed.

“So, how does this-- soulbaring work?”

Hux shook his head slightly and snuggled even closer. “Tomorrow, Kylo. It really can wait. And now sleep already.” And then, as an afterthought. “Lights off.”

He breathed in again, bathed in the scent and warmth of the man he loved and the relief that washed through his body. There was nothing that kept the darkness from swallowing him this time.

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I could make you curious. At least a little?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo learns about Arkanisian customs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of delightful silliness ;)
> 
> What's the proper word for something from Arkanis? Arkanisian? Arkanian? If anyone knows, let me know. Until then I'll go with the first option.

 

Awareness came slow. And when he stretched and turned and reached out – the place next to him was empty. And cold.

He was still a bit groggy, but the remnants of sleep lifted fast enough. Even though the memories of last night felt more like a dream than reality. Raw and unguarded as they’d been.

Where was Hux?

Probably on duty already. What time was it anyway?

The chronometer showed almost 1600, ship-time. So yeah, Hux was definitely on duty. Which was a nuisance, cause they needed to talk. Now that he was truly awake, his body and mind back to their full capacity, he _had_ to make sure that Hux was doing this because he wanted to and not because he felt forced to do it. He longed to know more about Hux, wanted to know everything about the man he loved, but not if said man felt pressured to open up. And he needed to make sure that Hux got that message through his sometimes incredibly thick skull.

_And he says_ I’m _stubborn._

Kylo took a much needed shower before he donned his usual garb and headed for the bridge. To his surprise Hux wasn’t there. A wide-eyed Mitaka informed him that Hux was currently overseeing some training exercises of a newly arrived batch of stormtroopers – fresh from their training centers – together with Captain Phasma. When he turned and left, the palpable relief of the lieutenant amused him. Still, he couldn’t deny the man some balls. Mitaka was absolutely terrified of him and yet he had the guts to face him almost daily, never backing out on what he saw as his duty, no matter Kylo’s mood.

Instead of the training grounds – Hux would neither leave his duty nor his precious stormtrooper-program for a much needed talk about ‘soul-baring’ – he went back to his quarters to send a message to Snoke about the progress he and his knights had made these last weeks. He reported in detail about any aptitudes that were uncovered as well as areas that needed further training, be it in regard to fighting techniques or handling of the Force.

Since it still was too early afterwards he went to the shuttle bay and personally checked how the repairs were going on his ship. Most of the technicians startled when they saw him and scrambled to look busy or to speed up their work. Apart from the droids only one technician seemed unafraid of his arrival. Unafraid, but certainly not unfazed. A tall, blond guy, who currently worked on the destroyed long-range comm-unit at the belly of the ship. Those big, ugly glasses couldn’t hide the expression of awe on his face, which made him look pretty dumb. Still, that unexpected awe delighted and confused Kylo in equal measure.

At least it was a nice reprieve from the constant nagging of the memories of last night. Of Hux’ unease and nervousness; of his own needy begging; of Hux’ openness and questionable willingness to open up to him.

Maybe he should check the database on Arkanisian customs? To get a better feeling for what Hux intended to do?

No. He discarded that thought, at least for now. He wanted to hear it from Hux.

So instead he went for the general’s quarters, let himself in and made some tea. A cup of smoked tea for Hux – the redhead’s capacity for rationing things that he truly enjoyed was absolutely astounding. Those tea bags from the calendar had lasted him almost three whole months before he’d finally indulged properly and had stocked up on it. It was also a bit sad. It said a lot about the life he’d led so far. Shaking those morose thoughts off Kylo searched the cupboard and made another cup of something less offending to his taste buds for himself.

It didn’t take long until the door opened and Hux came in, pristine as usual. He didn’t seem surprised by his presence and yet his lips pulled up into that delicious sneer of his – the one that spelled danger if it wasn’t accompanied by the current sparkle in his eyes.

“Look who’s back upon the living.”

Kylo rolled his eyes and got up from the couch. “I wasn’t dead, you know.”

Hux raised a dubious eyebrow and chuckled. “Could’ve fooled me. I had to fight my way out from under your dead weight this morning. You didn’t stir once.”

He had to fight hard to keep a neutral face at that. Although the mental image was priceless. And maybe, just maybe, he was a tiny bit sorry. Instead he shrugged as he closed the distance between them.

“It seems you managed quite well on your own. Now,” he was even closer now, Hux’ breath mingled with his, their eyes met and all playful banter was suddenly forgotten, “to what I initially intended to do upon arriving back here.”

Without further ado – he doubted he’d been able to wait a second longer – he closed his hands around Hux’ face, buried his fingers in that soft, red hair and ruined its meticulousness with utter delight. Their lips connected barely a second later. Hungry and desperate.

Four weeks. Four endless weeks.

Hux tasted like something divine. Sweet and bitter and intoxicating. He wanted more. _Needed_ more.

Gloved hands roamed his chest, his back, grabbed his ass through his pants and held his hips in place for Hux to grind against him. He moaned into Hux’ hot mouth, his nether regions desperate for more friction. But not from his pants.

Without any kind of warning he grabbed his lover around the waist and lifted him up, already grabbing for his thighs to keep him there. The ginger gave a soft noise of surprise and annoyance before he accepted this new position, wrapped his legs around Kylo and attacked his mouth anew with furious passion, leaving him to the difficult task of maneuvering them to the bedroom. A task Hux seemed determined to make as difficult as possible.

Not that Kylo minded.

 

***

 

He had _really_ missed this.

Not the sex. Well, of course that, too, but this right here, right now. Lying in bed, all naked and still sweaty, his limbs heavy and lazy with this sweet exhaustion that was so totally different from the one last night. Hux’ fingers buried into his hair, gently scratching his scalp. He had no doubt that, if he looked up, he’d find that same languid expression of utter content on his lover’s face. But he was way to comfy with his head resting on Hux’ chest to move it. They lay completely still, only their hands moving. Slow and gentle, cherishing what they’d missed so long.

Kylo let his hand roam every inch of that glorious body that he could reach, taking in the soft skin and lean muscles as if to catalogue it all anew. His hand splayed wide open it trailed up that slender chest, nudging a soft nipple along its way, before it curled around Hux’s side and stroked slowly down until his fingertips touched the slightly puckered edges of scarred skin. He pulled back before Hux would tense up, dipped his thumb into Hux’ belly button instead and followed that lovely line of exquisite red hair downwards, where his fingers skimmed along the edges of rough, curly hair before they ghosted along the inside of one thigh.

That scar was the only major blemish on his lover’s skin. Sure, there were some smaller scars, probably from his fight training days. Nothing but thin white lines. But that scar very low on Hux’ back was different. Bigger. Almost the span of a palm. The skin a tiny bit darker than the rest and rougher, the edges slightly puckered and always a faint red. It was the only part of Hux that was off-limits to him. The first time he’d touched it, the question ‘what happened there’ had died on his lips when Hux had slapped his hands away and thrown him out, his face completely shut off and ice cold and the overwhelming sense of panic pulsing through his mind.

Kylo had never dared touching it again.

The fingers in his hair stopped their scratching massage and started stroking his hair, bringing back order into the mess Hux had made of it. Soon deft fingertips danced across his brow and temple to bring even the most wayward strands back and pull them behind his ears.

Kylo grumbled.

Hux merely chuckled softly. And traced one fingertip along the edges of his ear.

“Stop that.” That came out not even half as threatening as he’d intended.

“What? You get to ‘cherish my freckles’ every time you get me naked and I’m not allowed to do the same with these adorable ears once in a while?”

He’s not sure what’s worse. The fact that his ears were too big and prominent as they were or that Hux called them ‘adorable’.

“Anyway, what’s that smell? It’s faint but… do you smell that? Is something burning?”

“KRIFF!”

_The tea!_

Before he knew what he was doing he was already out of the bed, stumbling and almost crashing against the wall as his feet got caught in the blanket. He heard Hux’ surprised ‘Ky-’ behind him, only for his voice to break up into snorts of laughter – no doubt at his display of grace. Still, now it was too late to simply go back, so he went into the other room and returned with two cups of cold tea, handles hooked around the fingers of his right hand.

Hux was still laughing. Well, he tried to stifle it behind his hand, but he failed miserably.

“Really, sometimes I can’t believe you’re the same guy that makes half of my crew shit their pants.”

_Very funny_.

That screamed for retaliation.

It took nothing but a quick thought, a little bit of concentration and a small motion of his free hand and the blanket on the floor got lifted into the air and charged. At Hux. The man gave off a surprised – and rather undignified – squeak before he vanished under a blanket that tried to hold him down and wrap him up. He fought valiantly against it, fought it tooth and nail. Naked.

It was hilarious.

Laughing, Kylo let go of the blanket and watched as Hux kicked it off and emerged with a red face and his hair in utter disarray. He looked absolutely ravishing like this.

“Maybe your crew has the right idea and you would do well to remember that I’m dangerous,” he said with a smirk.

Hux snorted and pushed his hair out of his face. “Yeah, dangerously clumsy _and_ dangerously immature.”

He sat down on the bed, his back against the headboard and motioned for Hux to join him, a big grin on his face. “Come on, you love it.”

Hux rolled his eyes, sighed and finally lost the fight against the twitching around the corners of his lips. “I hate you sometimes.” And so Hux slipped in between his legs, leaned back until he rested against his chest and took the cup that Kylo held out for him.

Hux inhaled deeply and relaxed. “Mmh.”

“I made it earlier. I totally forgot.” He lifted his hand towards the blanket and it swiftly crawled across the bed again to cover them up cozily. “Now it’s cold.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Hux took a sip, then another, before a second content hum rumbled through his chest and he relaxed even further against him.

Kylo drank from his own tea – fruity, but with a touch of something spicy – and found to his surprise that he enjoyed the coolness of the drink. He was still heated enough from their earlier activities that this was far more enjoyable than a hot beverage. So he leaned back, sneaked a hand around Hux’ belly and simply savored the moment.

They were silent for a while. Just drinking tea and relaxing in each others’ company. The reason why he’d come here was almost forgotten for the moment, until Hux spoke into the quiet, his voice low.

“I really scared you, didn’t I?”

Right now he’s glad Hux couldn’t see his face, for he was sure that his cheeks were burning. A little. Ashamed of his outburst last night. He would’ve never acted like that had he not been at the end of his ropes with exhaustion. But it was the truth and he wouldn’t deny that. “You did.”

Hux slowly put his cup aside and placed it on the nightstand, where Kylo had put his a few minutes ago. Hux pulled one leg up and leaned sideways, turned in Kylo’s loose embrace until those piercing green eyes were on him, and on him alone. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention. I hope you know that.”

Kylo spread his legs a bit wider and put his left one up so that Hux could lean his back against it. He licked his lips. It was time then to address the hard topics. He would’ve loved to hide away from the world a little bit longer.

“I know, but Hux...” his eyes roamed over that pale face, over still red and slightly swollen lips to eyes alight with a warmth that was only reserved for him. “You still scare me.”

Hux frowned, clearly confused. And alarmed.

So Kylo hurried to say what he wanted – what he _needed_ – to say before Hux would interrupt him.

“It scares me that you might think you owe me something. You don’t. You _don’t!_ I don’t want you to feel pressured to share something with me that you’re not ready to. Kriff, if merely thinking about doing this caused you that much turmoil, Hux...” Thinking back to that dark cloud and that tiny glimpse he’d gotten of the chaos of emotions behind it made him shiver. “I don’t want you to-”

“Shh.”

A finger pressed against his lips, effectively shutting him up, more out of surprise than anything else. Hux was looking at him. The love that he saw in those green eyes, deep and utterly unguarded, took his breath away. And whatever he’d wanted to say slipped his mind.

Hux smiled. “That alone tells me that it’s the right thing to do. Your calendar might have given me the idea, but nothing more than that, Kylo. No pressure.” He bit his lip and sat up straighter. “My life, my past… my thoughts… that doesn’t concern anyone. Even thinking about some of those things, let alone _sharing_ them, makes my blood run cold. But this,” he raised his hand and pointed loosely back and forth between the two of them, “ _THIS_ means more to me than I ever thought possible. Maybe that makes me weak. Maybe it gives me strength. I don’t know. But I know I want you to know me. To really know me. Even though that scares the hell out of me.”

Kylo swallowed. Hard.

_Damn, that man has a wicked talent for words_.

He could feel that Hux meant every word of it. That barrier that usually kept his lover’s thoughts hidden, now lowered. For him. He didn’t go looking and he didn’t need to. Hux had always projected strong emotions loud and clear. And right now that was a strange mix of love and fear and willingness.

Slowly, dimly, the magnitude of it all dawned on him. His heart beat faster, his chest swelling with pride and love.

“Well, in that case,” he paused, still overwhelmed, but he knew not to make a big deal out of this – just as he’d known it back then in the spa as Hux had uttered his very first ‘I love you’, “how does this-“ he grimaced, tried to remember, couldn’t, but tried anyway, “Zendan Lay- work exactly?”

Hux chuckled. “Close enough, I guess. Cennadan Fae. Well, the custom is derived from an ancient ritual, back from the time when the Arkanisians lived in clans. These clans believed that there are eight main aspects that form a personality. Knowing them you know who a person really is. That’s the main idea behind that custom. Sharing those eight aspects of yourself with the person you love. That, paired with the deep rooted belief of the importance of places on Arkanis.”

“Places?”

“Places. They believe that the places where important things happened to you hold a power over you. And, the other way around, that you leave a piece of yourself behind that will give additional power to said place. So, all in all, for each aspect you go to the place that is closely linked to said aspect, not just to share, but also to link those powerful places from your past life with your future, which- is represented by the loved one.”

Kylo didn’t miss the little pause, but didn’t get a chance to take a closer look since Hux continued on.

“Usually you do this in a week. One aspect for each day of the Arkanisian week, but I don’t see how this is in any way possible with our duties to the First Order and the Supreme Leader. Usually each aspect is also tied to a certain day of the weak, so the order is fixed, but since we’re not on Arkanis and the galactic standard week doesn’t have eight days, I think no one can hold it against us if we improvise a little bit.”

To say he wasn’t intrigued would be a blatant lie. Also, it was hard to keep that treacherous little grin from his face that formed at this words. As if Hux would change a thing even _if_ anyone would hold it against them.

“So, what did you have in mind?”

“I wrote the eight aspects down and you get to pick one. I’ll arrange for everything, which might take a few days, and when it’s done you get to pick the next one.”

_Sounds fine to me_. _I wonder…_

“What exactly are those mysterious aspects that make up a person?” He really was curious about that. And he had to give it to Hux, this custom really _did_ sound much more profound than a lot of the customs in the Republic that he could remember. Valentine’s Day definitely included.

Hux shook his head, that devilish grin on his face and mischief in his eyes. “You’ll see.”

“Oh, come on,” he whined, although, if he gave it a little more thought, maybe it was better this way. A little bit of suspense wouldn’t hurt him, on the contrary, and Hux would probably feel calmer if he knew that Kylo had no idea what was coming.

Also, he’d kept Hux in that kind of suspense for 24 days, so- this was probably more than fair this way.

“But,” Hux untangled himself from Kylo’s lap and the blanket and left the bed to rummage in his dresser. Kylo licked his lips as this offered him the most perfect view on that small, delicious ass. “You can pick one now, if that makes you happy.”

Hux came back with a small box and when he sat down next to him, Kylo’s eyes got big before he had to laugh. There, in that box, were eight of the little bags he’d used for the calendar.

“You kept them?”

Hux shrugged. “Just pick one.”

So he did. He closed his eyes, rummaged around a little bit and grabbed a small pouch that felt like silk beneath his fingers. It turned out to be a rich golden one. Curious and strangely excited he pulled the little piece of paper out with his fingers, right under the watchful eyes of his lover. Unfolding the paper he’s suddenly confronted with handwritten words. Really, really small handwritten words. He narrowed his eyes and held the paper a bit closer.

And saw Hux cringe out of the corner of his eyes. “Well, I’ve- never written anything by hand before.” His voice was quiet, sheepish.

Kylo knew that he’d only done this because of him. And that he never would’ve presented anything not perfect to anybody else. Still, Kylo just couldn’t resist.

“Is that a ‘u’?” he asked, pointing at the beginning of the first word. The letters might have been small and not as elegantly drawn as someone with more experience might have, but it was still perfectly clear and readable.

The elbow promptly hit his ribs. “Very funny.”

Kylo stared down at the paper and the words on it. _First memory_. He couldn’t help but instinctively try to think of his own first memory. And he realized that that was harder than he’d thought.

Hux winced next to him. Kylo felt it more than he saw it. “You had to pull _that_ one, huh?”

“I can take another one,” he offered, unsure what to make of Hux’ reaction with none of his emotions strong enough to be propelled out into the open for him to read.

But Hux shook his head and looked up at him. “No. No, it’s okay. It’s not- it’s just a bit difficult to arrange. And it might be a tad dangerous. So,” Hux frowned before a tiny, cheeky grin twitched around his lips, “why am I actually surprised you pulled that one out first?”

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't help it, I just really like the idea that these two idiots are silly with one another and caring and everything when they're in privat, but still cold and efficient leaders in their respective areas in public.
> 
> Also, so much for the exposition. In three or four days the adventure of Arkanisian tradition may begin with the next chapter.
> 
> Hope you had some fun :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux' very first memory... time for a trip to Arkanis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to SourWolf_Cas for the constant support :D

 

It was very late in the evening as Kylo hurried through the rather empty corridors of the Finalizer down to the small shuttle bay on G-deck. The one, that held an assembly of more-- unusual ships. Bright light filled every corner of the small hangar. A few droids buzzed around, busy as always. Only a single officer was there, right next to an old Allanar N3 light freighter that had clearly seen better days. And yet he didn’t doubt that it was in perfect working order. Nothing indicated that it belonged to the First Order, instead it looked like any other freighter of its kind, preferred by merchants and smugglers. And pirates. It was the perfect ship for an undercover mission.

Just like theirs.

_I want you to accompany the general. His plan is stupid and risky, but if what he claims is true then it might be worth the risk. Bring back those plans and if possible, bring the general back alive. He might be a nuisance, but he’s a useful one._

Snoke’s words still reverberated in his head. The supreme leader knew of their relationship, of course. There was no way to keep that from him. And no matter how much Kylo kept the details of it hidden in his mind, he knew that if Snoke _wanted_ to see them, he wouldn’t be able to stop him. Hux even less, no matter how adept he was at building walls in his mind. But so far Snoke hadn’t shown any interest in that part of their life, as long as they fulfilled their part in his plans. But Kylo couldn’t shake the unease each time Snoke called Hux a nuisance.

Hux was anything but. The man had found a way after all for them to fly off to Arkanis, the planet he’d been born, to get the first part of the Cennadan Fae done, not just without alerting the First Order or the supreme leader to it, but by actually coming up with a perfectly good excuse why they _had_ to go there for the good of the Order.

Well, he shouldn’t be this surprised. He’d already known that Hux was a brilliant tactician.

Obviously there were blueprints, actual non-digital blueprints, of some highly advanced tech hidden somewhere in the old Academy, or what’s left of that. As far as he knew the Academy had been besieged in the late days of the Empire and then bombed when they’d gotten nowhere with their methods. Part of the buildings had been rebuild, others remained destroyed, but all of them were used as some kind of monument. A museum to demonize the Empire and remember the pain and horror it had brought the people on Arkanis. He rolled his eyes at that. He wasn’t opposed to rough that place up a little bit.

They only needed to get there first. Arkanis was almost on the other side of the galaxy, deep into Republic territory.

_It should take us three days if everything goes according to plan. Pack whatever you need, but remember, we’re civilians. Merchants. And Kylo, bring a raincoat._

He shifted the bag on his back and headed for the freighter. Running around the ship without his mask was strange, to say the least, but being without the protection of his usual outfit as well made him feel uncomfortably vulnerable.

“Sir,” Mitaka greeted with a firm nod and perfect posture. “The general is already waiting.”

For once the fear in the young lieutenants eyes was missing. It took him a moment to realize that he had no idea who was currently standing in front of him.

Kylo shook it off and walked up the small passenger ramp right in front of one of the small wings, which promptly closed behind him. He threw his bag carelessly onto the table of the small recreation room of the ship that he currently stood in before he headed to the cockpit, where Hux occupied the pilot’s set. At hearing him enter he turned and looked up…

… and Kylo did a double take.

“Hux? What-” His mouth worked, but for a moment nothing came out. “Where’s the red?”

Hux rolled his eyes in that long-suffering way of his. “Of course, _that’s_ what springs out to you,” he sighed and scratched his fingers through the beard on his face, as if he could get rid of it that way.

Kylo had to blink again. It was really Hux in front of him. And yet it so definitely wasn’t. His hair was all loose and unruly and _brown_ for Force’s sake! And an actual _beard_ was hiding half his face, a bit shorter at the sides than the rest, but nonetheless a beard. A _brown_ beard! There’d been nothing more than the usual overnight stubble this morning when Kylo had left. And as if that weren’t enough he wore a thin, black sweater with a kriffing _turtleneck_ and a light brown leather jacket that looked equally used as the ship itself.

The sight was so unexpected – _and damn hot_ – for a moment he actually forgot why he was here in the first place. If only Hux’ natural hair color would still be there. Or maybe it was good it wasn’t, otherwise he’d probably stand here with a serious hard-on instead of just slightly uncomfortable pants.

“Gaah, I hate this thing!” Hux exclaimed and rubbed the back of his hand against his chin and cheek. “It itches and it’s unsanitary. I look like a kriffing wookie!”

“Barely.” But Kylo’s mumbling as well as his amused chuckle went unnoticed by Hux who just got started.

“Right now I wished I’d wear a mask, too. Then there would be no need for this-- _camouflage_. That droid and its blasted follicle stimulation. And yes, the ‘red’ had to go. Too recognizable.”

“What a shame.”

Hux paused and rolled his eyes again. “You’ll survive a few days without me providing for your red-hair-fetish. Believe me.”

Kylo chuckled. “First of all, I doubt you dyed _all_ your hair.” Hux groaned in disbelief. “Secondly, ginger or not, that look on you should be illegal! How am I supposed to focus on our mission when you look like _this_?”

For a moment Hux mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding.” But then Kylo shifted, because his pants became increasingly tight after all, which captured Hux’ attention of course. He openly stared at Kylo’s crotch, then threw his hands up and shook his head. “Why am I even surprised? I look and feel like a filthy nerf herder and you can barely keep it in your pants. You’re a savage, Ren!”

“Says the one who looks like one.”

Hux turned back to his controls with a sharp motion and a hard edge to his face, clearly not amused.

Maybe Kylo should’ve just shut his mouth and kept quiet. Too late for that now.

Even though Hux rarely got the chance to fly a ship he certainly was capable of it. Each movement quick and precise. They were out in open space in no time and after a last check in with flight control they entered hyperspace.

It would be a long ride from the edge of the Unknown Regions all the way to Arkanis. At least three different jumps and 29 hours between them and their goal. It probably hadn’t been his best idea to start their journey by pissing Hux off.

He settled into the co-pilot seat and spotted something on the console. It turned out to be two ID coins, typically used within Republic space. Curious, he activated one and a holographic full-body image sprung up, showing his own picture from the scan a droid had performed earlier. Next to it was his data listed. Obviously he came from the planet Aridus now and his name was Futiro Vickery. He deactivated it and switched it for the other. As expected it showed an image of Hux, the way he looked now, or better: an image of Nylas Koreen, also from Aridus.

“So, I get it, we’re merchants. What are we selling? In case anyone asks.”

“Not selling. Buying,” Hux replied, his voice flat and his eyes still trained on the console, appearing to check the ship’s system. Something he’d undoubtedly done at least twice before they started. “Shiver-moss. It grows in abundance on Arkanis. Properly processed it’s a pretty good antidote to a lot of poisons. So, a lot of people pay good money for it. Which should suffice as far as cover stories go.”

Kylo leaned back in his seat and looked out into the darkness of space, somehow a bit uneasy with all of this. He knew that Hux would never do something this stupid, but still, he just had to make sure.

“These blueprints-- they really exist, don’t they?”

 _That_ at least made Hux look at him again. “Of course they do. I’m not suicidal! I trust my source. They exist. Hidden away. He said they were just for a prototype, that those plans would need a little more work, but-- it had initially been Turan’s idea to siphon the energy of the sun to fuel Starkiller Base. He was a genius, so full of groundbreaking ideas. It’s a shame he got killed. He told me once of his plans for a hyperspace tracker, but that the plans were lost on Arkanis and that he hadn’t gotten time enough to get back to that project. He’d kept all of his private work in hard-copy. He was paranoid about it, said digital copies were far too easy to steal. But that’s why I think they might still be where he hid them. A data pad would’ve been found by the scanners when they’d taken over the Academy, but an actual paper blueprint might not.”

“I hope you’re right.” He still didn’t dare think about what Snoke might do to Hux if he came back empty handed. On the other hand, if this guy had actually figured out how to track a ship through hyperspace-- that would be an incredible asset against the Resistance. He needed to focus on something else. “I’m going to have a look what they stacked the kitchen with.”

Kylo got up. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw that Hux was again scratching his cheek. He stopped behind the pilot seat, leaned down and grabbed Hux’ wrist from behind.

“Stop. You’re only making it worse.”

“Gaah,” Hux groaned, clearly irritated. “This is driving me crazy!”

Kylo smiled and stepped around the seat. “Then what you need,” he placed himself right there on his lover’s lap, straddling him and the pilot’s chair all the same, “is a distraction.”

Hux snorted. There was something else in his gaze, though, as he scrutinized Kylo for a moment. “I don’t get it. What could you possibly like about this?” He gestured at his face, then widened the gesture to take the rest of him in as well.

“Well,” Kylo reached up and raked his hand through the wild mess of hair on Hux’ head. He frowned. “Certainly not the brown. But-” He leaned back a bit, and yet again, he couldn’t help how much this new side of his lover affected him. Minutely he edged a bit closer until their groins were touching. “You look- rough.” He cupped the other’s face on both sides, savoring the bristle of hair against his palms. “Dangerous.”

Hux’ brown eyebrow climbed up his brow and his lips thinned. “So normally I don’t?”

Kylo rolled his eyes. “Now you’re turning my words on purpose. This is different from your usual cold and controlled kind of dangerous. This version of you looks dangerous in a rough kind of way-- _reckless_.”

Finally, he’d managed to coax a grin from Hux. And not just any one. The devious one.

“Reckless, huh?”

And then he moved beneath him, rolling his hips up, right against Kylo’s half-hard cock.

Caught off-guard Kylo gasped – _moaned_ – at the unexpected friction and before he had time to compose himself again, hands fisted themselves into his shirt and Hux’ lips were already on his, the unfamiliar scratch of the beard rough and arousing.

  


***

  


Not even twenty minutes after they’d landed on Arkanis Kylo knew one thing for certain: he hated this planet!

The endless blanket of clouds, one stacked against the other until they simply blended into each other and formed a planet covering cloak of dreariness. A constant drizzle hung in the air, not yet rain, but wetter than fog. It coated every surface and clung to his skin. And Hux had said they were lucky, that it was one of the good days. Kylo really, really didn’t want to know what a bad day on this planet looked like, when a good day was already so dull and depressing that it practically sucked every bit of cheerfulness out of his soul like the constant coating of drizzle sucked the warmth out of his skin.

He wondered if there even existed a word for ‘sunlight’ in the language of the natives. No doubt there were probably dozens of different words for ‘rain’. Or ‘grey’. Or ‘wet’.

Or ‘mud’.

_I wonder about the suicide rate around here…_

He couldn’t help compare this world with the warm sun and vibrant colors of Chandrila.

They’d landed in Scaparus Port, paid a fee for leaving their ship there and rented a speeder, since Hux had said it wouldn’t be too far from here. The quick ride through the outskirts of town to the edge of a forest left him drenched. Well, not really, he wore a long and thick raincoat, the hood pulled deep into his face, and yet after fifteen minutes cruising through _that_ air the moisture had all but seeped right into his very bones.

He really, really wished to be back in their ship. Not just because of the all consuming wetness of this place, but because their time on board had been like a holiday. Just them, no one else, like that day in the spa months ago. These moments were far too rare. When trivial things like cooking turned more important than their duty. When they had time and leisure to enjoy each other’s company for more than a few hours in the evening. Sure, that hot fuck right in the cockpit might have something to do with him favoring the ship, but it certainly wasn’t the only reason.

Also, even though Hux had blocked off all his tries to get some hints about whatever he had planned regarding this custom thing, he’d been open and surprisingly relaxed. Contrary to the quiet and withdrawn Hux that currently led him along a wide path into the forest.

The smell of moss and mildew and resin was so heavy in the moist air, it nearly made him gag.

Hux had insisted on doing this first. Not because he’d been overly eager to do it, but because – depending how things would go at the Academy – they might need to leave the planet in a hurry. Kylo hadn’t argued with that. It was mid-morning now which left them enough time to slip into the museum in the afternoon to search for their hidden treasure and be gone come nightfall. The sooner they left the better.

The ground squelched beneath his feet.

Again he wiped his hand across his face in a desperate attempt to dry it somehow. He did it instinctively, although it was just as useless as the last ten times he’d done it.

Drops of condensation fell from the trees above and dripped onto his hood, right at the crown of his head. And something in him snapped. He could handle this place or he could handle the silence. Not both.

“So, where exactly are we?”

“Maybe half a mile west of Scaparus Port, on the main route through the forest. It’s a popular route for walks or- it has been.”

Okay, not what he’d been after, but at least Hux was finally talking again. And stopping. He pointed at something between the trees.

“See that hill over there? The slight metallic gleam between the greenery?”

Kylo had to strain his eyes. The hill wasn’t too far away, but with all the dense foliage it was difficult to spot anything. Then he saw it. A quick flash of something gray between green. It was hard to determine how far away it was. A quarter mile? A mile? More? Frustrated, he blinked the moisture out of his eyes. “Yeah. Is that where we’re headed?”

“God forbid, no! That’s-- that used to be my family’s estate.”

Kylo tried to spot the place again, but failed. “So, that’s your home over there?”

“No.” There was a finality to Hux’ voice as he shook his head that made Kylo look at him. “I grew up there, but this is not my home. None of this is.” Kylo instinctively knew that he spoke of the estate as well as the whole planet.

“Then where are we going?”

“There.”

Hux pointed towards a small path to their right. They followed it for a few minutes over muddy patches and moss covered stones that were even more slippery. The path lead downhill and soon nestled against a seven foot rock wall. The ground was harder now. And after they crossed a set of thick bushes to their right they stepped into a small clearing, hidden from sight. Rocks in different sizes lay about, broken off the wall a long time ago, either due to the moisture working away at them or the roots of trees.

As Kylo looked around, Hux just stopped at the edge of the clearing, frozen in place. When Kylo noticed he knew they’d arrived at their destination. The shock in his lover’s eyes sealed his lips shut. He simply watched as Hux raised his hands and pushed his hood back, then gulped visibly. In the end, he took a deep, shaky breath, stepped forward and sat down on one of the fallen rocks.

Kylo followed his example and took the rock right next to him. Close enough to touch him, if need be. Or better: _when_. Already it was more than obvious that being here affected Hux more than his lover would’ve thought.

For a long while there’s nothing but silence.

And when Hux finally spoke, his voice was so quiet he had to strain to listen.

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think Arkanis is THAT bad a place, but this is Kylo's perception and he grew up on a sunny world (and he's related to Mr. I-hate-sand-with-every-fibre-of-my-heart after all).


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux shares his very first memory with Kylo.  
> Neither of them is truly prepared for it.

 

And when Hux finally spoke, his voice was so quiet he had to strain to listen.

 

***

 

“My nanny, Neea, would often take me here, into the woods, just… to get outside. And away from the toxic atmosphere in the house, I guess. Who knows. She was a nice girl. Nice to _me_.”

And for the first time it actually, truly registered with Kylo that Hux would share a part of himself. That he would learn something about Hux’ childhood. And it left him stunned and awed.

He’d wondered about it for quite a while now, about the kind of life a young Armitage Hux might have led. He knew a few things, some from his file, some from overhearing officers talking, a bit from unguarded thoughts and even less from Hux himself. He knew that Hux’ father was dead and he’d felt the hatred oozing off of him whenever Brendol Hux was mentioned by other First Order generals. And he knew that Hux had a very special relationship with what it meant to be weak, which had been the cause for many an argument between them. He very much suspected that these two things were closely connected.

And there was that night that Hux’ screams had woken him up. He’d had to close his own mind off against the onslaught of terror and panic and pain that Hux had projected, his mind paralyzed by it, to have any chance at waking and helping him at all. The moment Hux had come to he’d shut off completely, refusing to talk about it. Till this day he had no idea what had been able to shake his lover to the core like that.

In the end he had barely anything more than speculations.

Somehow, no matter how much he yearned to know more, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he wouldn’t like where this was going.

“I loved it here, in the forest. One day she brought me to this place.” Hux nodded at their surroundings. “It- it’s the first thing I truly remember. I must’ve been three or two and a half, something like that. I’m not quite sure. Anyway, it had been surprisingly dry the last few days-”

Kylo wondered if the word ‘dry’ meant the same thing here as on other worlds, because he couldn’t imagine this place as actually _dry_.

“-and I missed the little puddles to jump into. And even though the drizzle was back, it was one of those rare days the clouds actually opened up a tiny bit and there were little rays of sunshine falling through the foliage. They painted shimmering rainbows into the drizzle and I ran around, trying to catch one of them.”

Kylo bit his lip. The image those words painted in his mind was too cute.

“I ran ahead, down here trying my luck catching another one. There’d been a fallen tree over there back then.” Hux pointed to the edge of the clearing almost directly across from his current position. “So I came in here and there was someone sitting on that fallen tree trunk. A woman. And she was looking at me. I stopped at once, afraid. Not just because she was a stranger and I was more or less alone, no, but-- I wouldn’t have been able to put it into words back then, but I am now. I was frightened, because she was an adult. And adults, as I’ve learned, were something to be afraid of. Well, apart from Neea, that is.”

It wasn’t so much _what_ he said, that made Kylo clench his teeth. It was the fact that he could just sit there and say it without batting an eye, as if it weren’t a big thing that a three year old boy had only ever learned to associate adults with fear.

So his suspicions about Brendol seemed to be true.

_Breathe. In. Out. Breathe._

_Relax._

_And listen!_

“The woman got up and I wanted to run, to get away, but then Neea was suddenly there and she smiled and took my hand and said that it was okay. That that woman was her friend. Neea had never lied to me. I was still wary of that woman. Neea led me closer and the two of them embraced and they were smiling. Then the woman crouched down to talk to me. There was something in the way she looked at me that reminded me of Neea and I finally relaxed. She wanted to know my name. I told her and she said her name was Raenys.”

His voice turned wistful. Kylo had to look. There was a soft smile on Hux’ lips, almost obscured by his damp beard. A sad smile.

“Sunshine hit her face and I thought she looked funny, with that blue scarf wrapped around her head to keep the drizzle from dampening her hair. But most of all because of the myriad of freckles on her face.”

Kylo’s mouth opened in silent awe. Hux was staring blindly ahead, his gaze and thoughts equally held captive by a ghost of the past. And his mind was completely open and unguarded, projecting a vague mix of guilt and longing, but most of all a wrenching ache, that felt good and bad all at once. And behind all that he got a glimpse of the woman from Hux’ memory; could see her how Hux had seen her. Sparkling dark blue eyes beneath pale eyebrows, a thin nose and an abundance of freckles indeed.

“They were dark and everywhere. I think I told her so as well, that she looked funny I mean. I was afraid she would get angry, but instead she laughed and asked me if I wanted to play a game with her. She wanted me to find the most beautiful rock possible. In the end all three of us were searching. We turned this whole clearing upside down, trying to outdo each other. I’ve never laughed so much before. Ever.

“In the end we presented our best findings. Neea had a stone that looked like a really big nose and we giggled like idiots because of it. I had found a small one, different from most of the other stones here. It was light gray and very smooth, with lots of tiny specks of darker gray on it. I gave it to Raenys as a gift, since it looked like the funny spots on her face. She thanked me and kissed my cheek. Only Neea had ever done that before.”

_What about your parents? They neve-- oh Hux-_

“And then she said, she’d found something special as well and that she wanted me to have it and that I should take good care of it. She gave me this rock that didn’t look like a rock. And certainly none she’d found here, but little me didn’t suspect a thing. It was small, barely the size of my pinkie back then, and bright orange. And transparent, like glass, with edges that were strangely smooth. It seemed alive in the sunlight, almost like fire. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.”

By now Kylo was utterly transfixed by the story. And the swirl of emotions it caused him. This was a whole new side to the man he loved, one he’d never seen or heard of before. Already he was in love with the little boy that thought he could catch rainbows and he’d give everything to protect that kid.

They’d shared a lot in the last almost two years, had seen each other during good and bad times and had learned a lot about the other, but somehow – he couldn’t quite put his finger on the _why_ – this here felt more intimate than anything else before.

Hux went on, the same smile still on his face. Maybe even a bit wider than before. Fond and reminiscent and a tiny bit less sad. Kylo’s heart warmed at that.

“Every now and then we would meet her again. Here, at this place. And we would play together. Laugh together. Raenys listened to all the ludicrous and insignificant stories I told her, be it about catching rainbows or having seen a neqneq scurrying through the low branches of the trees or the importance of puddles to a walk in the woods. She listened, always smiling, always taking the enthusiasm of a three year old serious. ‘Oh really? Tell me more, Tidge!’ That’s what she always said. And she would tell me stories as well, sometimes together with Neea, sometimes Neea joined me as listener. Stories about spaceships and aliens and Jedi and different planets, that sounded impossible. Sometimes they taught me little games, other times they let me jump into puddles while they talked with one another.

“I _loved_ these times in the forest.” Hux’ breath hitched, barely noticeable. And the sadness was back in his smile. “Rare and special as they were.”

Kylo held his breath. Something shifted and he felt the need to brace himself. The ache of his lover hung so heavy in the air, it was suffocating. Guilt started to hack its claws into the memory as well.

“Our meetings became more infrequent after a while and Raenys-- she became strange. At least to a little boy who didn’t understand. One day Neea led me back here again. It had been such a long time and I was excited. Raenys was here, sitting on that log again, only this time she was rocking a bundle in her arms. I stopped, confused, but she said it was okay and motioned me closer. Her voice sounded strange and when I got closer I saw that she was pale and that her eyes were red. I could feel that something was different and I didn’t like it one bit. I didn’t know what to do, so I asked her what she was holding. It’s a baby, Tidge, come closer and have a look, she said. She lowered the bundle, pulled the blanket out of the way so I could see better and there it was: a baby. Its tiny face all scrunched up and red and grimacing when the drizzle connected with its face.

“I’d never seen a baby before and I was confused. What did it mean? Why was it here? Was it something to play with? So I told her that it’s puffy and red and that it looks funny. And she laughed. But when I looked up at her she was crying. I didn’t want her to cry, but I didn’t understand what was going on. None of it. Only that I didn’t like it. She wasn’t supposed to cry. Crying was bad. Then Neea was suddenly there and took Raenys in her arms and held her. But it got only worse. The crying, I mean. It scared me. It scared me _so_ much. Not just because I was too young to understand what was going on. Not just because I wanted my friend Raenys back the way she’d been, but… I wanted her to just stop crying!”

Hux’ lip quivered for a second, before he bit down on it and closed his eyes. The muscles around his jaw were working and his pale, wet fingers clenched into fists.

And Kylo felt a bit like that little Armitage from the story, because he didn’t understand. Unsure what to do he reached out a tentative hand. He wrapped his hand around one of those wet, cold fists and Hux flinched the second their skin touched. But he didn’t pull away. Instead he simply took a steadying breath and relaxed his hands, bit by bit. His eyes opened, just as bleak as this whole world, and he carried on.

“There was barely anything my father hated more than crying-- nothing good ever came from it. I-- I backed off and hid behind that rock over there, too afraid to stay and certainly too afraid to run home. Neea was hushing and talking and then she started crying too. It got worse and worse. I covered my ears, tried to shut them out, to make it all go away, but it didn’t. Raenys was sobbing now and then the baby started whining as well and I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I ran. Of course they noticed at once. Neea came after me, calling my name-”

Hux took a shuddering breath, his eyes still on that space that had once been filled with a fallen tree trunk. “I never saw Raenys again after that.”

Kylo’s fingers tightened around his lover’s hand. He sat at the very edge of his rock, all taut and ready for action, but he couldn’t for the life of him determine what to do. What to make of all this information. There was no one he could hurt to make that pain in Hux’ voice go away. There was nothing he could say either. Everything that came to his mind sounded like nothing but empty platitudes.

And he still couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t even the worst of it.

“My father found out about it all. I don’t know how, but he did. He was livid!” Hux raised his free hand and absently rubbed his cheek. He didn’t seem to be aware that he was doing it. Nonetheless, that gesture spoke volumes.

Burning hot anger surged through Kylo.

“I never saw Neea again, either. Instead I got a nanny-droid after that.” He paused for a moment, collecting himself. And on the outside it might seem to work, but on the inside he was a mess of anger and regret and pain and guilt, all bubbling over. So. Much. Guilt. Hux looked sideways, at him. Just for a short moment, but it was the first time he’d acknowledged his presence since they’d sat down here.

“It took me years to realize that Raenys was my mother. My _real_ mother.”

Kylo had known as much. Had known it all along, deep down. And yet the weight of it all still made him wince. His heart clenched and he ached for his lover.

The knowledge that Hux was an illegitimate child had always been an open secret among the officers of the First Order. A kitchen worker, he’d overheard some petty officers once. Given what he’d learned today, about the warm and caring Raenys and the unsympathetic brute that was Hux’ father, he couldn’t help but wonder how consensual their time together had been.

“She had risked everything to meet me here, to share those few precious hours with the son that had been ripped from her.” Hux shuddered. Gradually he sank sideways until his shoulder bumped against Kylo’s. His voice wavered as he spoke again.

“She loved me.”

Then it was quiet. Only the dripping of water and the wet rustling of foliage filled the air.

_That she did!_

Kylo was sure of it. It had shown in her eyes in that memory he’d seen in his lover’s mind. It was evident in everything Hux had told him. It was beyond question if she’d sought contact with her son, even though his father clearly didn’t want that – and she _had_ to know what kind of person Brendol Hux was, probably way better than Kylo did.

And then the baby. She must have been afraid. For the kid? Because of it? Or did she know that she had to leave, but couldn’t part with her--

_Oh Force! The baby!_

And it just burst out of him. “You’ve got a sibling.” Kylo was breathing heavily, stunned how his brain hadn’t connected the dots sooner; stunned by the sheer scope of it.

Hux on the other hand didn’t even stir. “Maybe.” He sounded hollow. Empty. It made Kylo shiver. “I never found out what happened to her or the baby. Or Neea. I don’t know if he had them banished or- or killed. I don’t know if they were able to escape his wrath or not.” His voice was barely more than a whisper by now. “And I don’t know, if they’re alive. Or not.”

Hux tensed. First Kylo was alarmed, but Hux only stood up. Slowly. He took a few measured, yet tentative steps until he came to a halt right in the middle of the clearing. He looked around. Took a deep, shuddering breath. His hands lifted, raked through his damp hair – _too dark, too dull, not lively and red_ – and trailed back down over his cheeks, his mouth before they dropped limply down to his sides again.

Never before had Kylo seen Hux look so utterly, utterly lost.

He got up and closed the distance between them, just as slowly and tentatively. Careful not to spook him. He pulled his hood down along the way and when he’s finally there he molded himself to Hux’ back, like a protective wall against all evil. Having his back, always, just as he’d promised the other man so many times before. Their raincoats squeaked as the wet materials rubbed against each other. A horrendous sound that gave him goosebumps. And yet he paid it no further mind and closed his arms tightly around Hux’ middle instead. Kylo leaned down those one or two inches that separated them, closing even the last distance there was, and nuzzled his face against Hux’ too dark and awfully wet hair until his chin came to rest on his shoulder and their faces touched. Chilled wet skin against chilled wet skin plus rough wet beard.

All of a sudden Kylo wished that beard gone. It stood between them, kept him from offering all the comfort he could.

There was a bone-chilling loneliness emanating from Hux. Guilt was gnawing at him and that undefined longing for _something_ was back, without direction, devastating like a storm. Hux’ hands clamped down on top of Kylo’s at his belly, gripping them tight, to keep him tethered. It hurt. Not just physically.

And in that exact moment, Kylo swore he could feel the power this place held.

Until Hux broke the spell and laughed. A single sound, forced and sad.

“I never thought coming here would be this hard,” he admitted, his voice wobbling. Kylo could feel the soft tremors throughout Hux’ body as he took a shaky breath. “I never thought _leaving again_ would be even harder.”

This time his voice finally broke and Kylo only held him tighter as Hux shuddered anew in his arms. Something wet connected with his cheek, right where it was pressed against his lover’s. Something way too warm for a product of the drizzle.

He’d never seen Hux cry. Not in disappointment. Not in anger. Not in pain. Not even after that horrifying nightmare.

Never.

That a man who’d been told from early childhood that crying was the worst thing he could do – possibly justified by some nonsense about weakness no doubt – even still could-- and that he felt safe with him to do so-- that he trusted him like that--

Kylo wanted to turn Hux around, bury his hand in his hair and pull him close, his face against his neck so he could take all the solace he needed from him. He wanted to protect him from anything that threatened to hurt him, no matter how impossible. He wanted to tell him, that none of this had been his fault. He wanted to tilt that lovely face up and kiss his tears away. He wanted to sweep him up and take him away from this place. He wanted to assure him that they could stay here forever. He wanted to tell him that he was safe and loved.

But he did none of those things. For he knew that it would all be too much for Hux. Open and vulnerable as he was he got easily spooked and that was the last thing Kylo wanted.

No, this had to be on Hux’ terms. So he would simply hold him tight until Hux was ready to leave. However long that would take.

 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They still need to steal some blueprints.  
> And they need to talk about a few things - at least Kylo does...

 

When they finally left the forest Kylo was only certain of one thing: under no circumstances would they go to the Academy to ‘salvage’ those blueprints today!

He drove them back to the port of Scaparus Port, following the short and monosyllabic instructions from behind him. This time around, he couldn’t have told afterwards if it had been constantly drizzling or not.

Hux had calmed down again after a while in that clearing. Had wiped his face and straightened his shoulders. And after one last glance around he’d turned and left. He’d been quiet ever since. Subdued. His mind miles away – or thirty years. He’d exchanged that lost look for a mask of indifference. His grip on it was slippery though.

Apart from directions he didn’t say a word, not in the forest, not on the speeder and not back in their ship.

Kylo couldn’t hold it against him. And so he left him at the table of the recreation room to sort through his emotions. He had a lot to digest for himself as well. He went into the small kitchen to prepare something to eat for the two of them, and some tea. Not that he was hungry – and he doubted Hux was thinking about food right now – but it gave him something to do and the motions calmed him. And _calm_ was something he seriously needed right now.

 _And this was only the first one_.

The plate slipped from his fingers and cluttered back onto the counter surface. His knees felt weak all of a sudden. Eight aspects and this had only been the first! Would all of them be this… _like this_?

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” No, nothing was okay. “Everything’s fine. Just clumsy.”

As expected neither of them was really in the mood for something to eat. Kylo only nibbled away at it. Hux ignored it completely in favor of the cup of tea, clutching at the cup with both hands as if his life depended on it. They just sat there, drinking tea in silence looking out of the small window in the ceiling until Hux got up.

“I’m taking a shower.”

Even now he avoided eye contact.

That night there was no sex. There was probably nothing farther from their minds.

No, when they finally lay in their bed, too narrow for two people and too foreign to feel like safety, the only thing they both sought and needed was comfort. Kylo could still feel how much all of this had shaken Hux. Not just the opening up part, but that he’d uncovered these deeply hidden memories enough so that their long forgotten doubts and regrets could take a hold of him again.Just like he’d done in the forest he wrapped himself around Hux again, covering him like a security blanket. Holding him tight against his chest in a desperate attempt to protect him at least now, even if it was too little, too late.

Hux, drained as he was, fell quickly asleep, although it was a fitful one.

Kylo had no such luck. He was wide awake, his thoughts jumping from one thing to the next, taking his emotions with them, seemingly in five directions all at once. It was exhausting and yet there was too much for him to process to find any sleep.

But in all of that mess there was one thing that stuck out for him. That one thing he could and _would_ do. Right then and there in that bed, holding the man he loved more than anything in this galaxy, he swore that he would find out what had happened to Neea, Raenys and the child. No matter what, no matter how long it took, but he _would_ find out if they were still alive!

  


***

  


“Run faster!”

And Kylo tried, but that thick moist air clogged his lungs. It was like breathing water, for crying out loud. And he could swear the muddy ground was on the same side as their pursuers judging by the way it sucked at his boots.

Something buzzed at the edge of his awareness. His hand shot up, he whirled around and the blaster shot dissolved into blistering heat as it hit the red of his lightsaber. Right before his boot slipped further and he crashed onto the way too yielding forest floor.

Another blaster shot came his way.

He reached out and stopped it right then and there, in the air. And no second too late.

There were too many. They’d almost been off the grounds as they’d been detected, how the hell could there suddenly be _this_ many guards behind them.

Another two shots. He ducked out of the way.

Then, more shots. This time from behind him. Quick and precise, taking out at least three guards and forcing the rest behind cover. Thudding steps, then a hand around his arm that pulled at him.

“Get _up_!”

Quickly he pushed himself up from the muddy floor, got his feet back under him and pushed that still frozen blaster shot back against their pursuers the second he spotted movement out of their direction.

He didn’t run, though. Their ship was right there, maybe 50 yards ahead. He skidded behind a big tree, used the cover to focus on their pursuers, grabbed the closest three with the Force and shoved them aside until they connected with the nearest trees. Hard.

“Go! Fire up the engines. I’ll hold them off!”

The wet thudding of boots on mud told him that Hux did as told. In the meantime, he took the security guards out of the picture one by one by using the Force. And blocking off any stray shot that came to close for his liking. It wouldn’t hold them off for long, though.

Just as it started getting exhausting, the engines of their ship roared to life. He took a deep breath, focused and pushed outwards with a roar. The explosive release of energy ripped almost half of them off their feet.

Kylo didn’t wait for them to get their bearings back. He ran. And ran. Until his muddy boots nearly slipped on the ramp. Less elegantly than preferred he skidded through the narrow hallways into the cockpit as the ramp hissed shut behind him and the ship sped up into the sky in a wide berth.

“Did they sound an official alarm?”

Hux shot him a sarcastic look. “What do you _think_?”

“How many?”

With no regard for his mud covered clothes he threw himself into the pilot’s seat – knowing full well that Kylo was the better pilot, Hux had started the ship from the co-pilot’s console.

“Four.”

“I see them.”

His fingers flew over the controls. The ship groaned as it was forced to move in ways that it had never been designed to.

“Weapons are ready. Just get me in range!” Hux shouted.

Another sharp bend, a vertical spin, cut down velocity, drop aaand… “ _Now_!”

A nearby explosion rocked their ship. Closely followed by another one. Two pursuers down. A red light blinked. The lower port side shields were taking too much fire. He took another spin, offering them their starboard side instead, right as another of their ships went up into flames.

Only one left. Too far behind to shoot, but...

Kylo opened the throttle and they shot off. They wouldn’t – shouldn’t – be able to catch up with them before they left atmosphere. And once there, all they had to do was jump.

“Calculate a jump to Triton. We can head along the Rimma trade route from there.” They’d look along the Corellian run first, it was the biggest and quickest hyperspace route near the Arkanis sector.

“Already done.”

_Huh? Can he read minds all of a sudden?_

“Well, to Sullust, not Triton. But it amounts to the same thing, the Rimma trade route.”

The last shrouds of blue and green gave way to the blackness of space around them. The Arkanisian security ship was close behind. “Punch it!”

And the ship lurched into the safety of hyperspace.

For a second it’s absolutely quiet. They turned and looked at each other. And without warning started to laugh like two idiots on an adrenaline high. Which wasn’t that far from the truth, come to think on it.

It was a joy to see Hux laugh again. He’d been happy this morning, too, as he’d spotted the first tentative smile on those beautiful lips. Fitful sleep or not, something had changed during the night. He’d been able to feel it right away. Something in Hux was lighter. Unburdened. Maybe it had been the warmth of the memories of his mother. Maybe actually sharing some of that stuff had done him some good. Anyway, Hux had been all too eager to plot for their ‘Academy heist’, whereas Kylo had just been groggy from a sleepless night full of brooding.

Well, maybe this little action had been just the thing they’d needed. With their talents combined it had been easy enough to get in, disguised as regular visitors, sneak off and _find_ what they’d been looking for, still hidden right under the nose of the Republic. Only the getting out part hadn’t worked according to plan.

But it had been worth it, if only to watch the deadly accuracy Hux displayed behind a blaster.

Or to see him now, right there next to him. His cheeks flushed and his eyes ablaze with pure exhilaration.

“You’ve got mud _everywhere_!”

Kylo looked down at himself. It was true. His whole right side was caked in brown sludge, he even got some in his drizzle and sweat dampened hair. Hux on the other side got some on his boots and his knees from crouching down. That’s it.

“And you don’t!” Kylo exclaimed in indignation. This wasn’t fair. “How did you even _do_ that?”

Hux got up, that cheeky, devilish grin on his face. It looked even more dangerous with the beard. “By not being at the center of the mess, but on top of it.” Hux buried his hand in the more or less clean side of his hair and pulled him forward until his lips practically crashed against his own. Their teeth clacked together. Part of his lip got caught in between and stung. But then Hux sucked on it and his tongue was everywhere and Kylo forgot how to breathe. It was a messy kiss. Hot and hungry.

And already over again.

Hux’ face hovered just over his. A burning fire in his green eyes. “Get out of this filth. Now! I might look like a savage, but I’m sure as hell not fucking you like this!”

  


***

  


“Argh!”

His angry hiss hung in the air, taunting him with his own failure. Exasperated he threw his head back and bent his fingers into claws, each and every muscle of his arms and hands strained to its limits. Right before he faltered, went limp and sank against the bed in his back. It was no use. No matter how much he tried – no matter how much he _needed_ it – he just couldn’t accomplish the right state of mind to meditate.

Couldn’t quench that impatient energy running through his veins.

And he was exhausted from lack of sleep, exhausted from the constant churning of thoughts about a small red-headed child that was scared of tears and adults. About an innocent baby. And of course about that kind and heavily freckled face, as if there was any chance of finding answers to his questions in the chaotic depths of his own mind or in the eyes of a decade old memory.

The faint voices from the room next door weren’t helping either. He’d never had any trouble with blending out his surroundings, it had always been the emptying of his mind that proved difficult. Today the second eluded him to such extent that he didn’t even muster the first one anymore.

Mitaka was still bringing Hux up to speed on anything he’d missed, as if that couldn’t wait till the next morning. He sighed and closed his eyes. No, knowing Hux- of course it couldn’t wait.

Getting back to the Finalizer had taken them a bit longer. Since the Republic had no doubt issued a warrant, coupled with a description of their freighter, they’d had to stay off the radar and away from Republic hotspots whenever they jumped back to normal space to plot their further course.

But now they were back again. Snoke was informed and very pleased.

And Hux had immediately settled back into work. Sending communiqués out to engineers and hyperdrive specialist he trusted to convene a meeting in a few days time to have a look at the blueprints.

The door hissed open and Kylo startled. He hadn’t even noticed that it had gotten quiet and that Mitaka had gone. Hux stepped inside and slowly slipped out of his washed-out sweater. He ran his hand through his beard afterwards, shuddering barely imperceptible.

“Hux?” Kylo got up, his body buzzing with impatience. “Can I...”

Hux shut his eyes, his expression closed off all of a sudden. Kylo felt almost bad for pushing, but- he needed to see for himself. It might hold answers. And there were far too many questions in his mind already.

Hux sighed. “Fine.” He left and after a few moments only filled with rustling sounds and soft clanking he came back with a small box, it’s dark gray material shimmering silvery with each of Hux’ movements. His eyes, no, all his senses fixed on that tiny box. He’d only ever heard stories about it and yet it seemed to be true. To the right people that box would be worth a fortune.

And it explained _a lot_.

“Happy now?” Hux asked, his tone sharp and grating. There was no doubt in his voice, his gaze, the way he held himself, that he was _done_ talking. That he just wanted to get back to their usual life for now and put the past days behind.

Their interaction, the box, the nervous energy within him, that tone from Hux, it all threw him right back to their conversation from the day before on the freighter.

  


***

  


_He got back from the cockpit, having set them into the next and second to last jump to hyperspace. The blueprints were finally gone from the table and Hux just stepped out of the fresher, rubbing his tired eyes. Kylo had given up making sense of them hours ago, admitting to the fact that he was no expert in hyperdrive theory. Obviously even Hux had come to the point to acknowledge his defeat._

_Somewhere along the line, between blueprints and hyperspace calculations and those big revelations on Arkanis Kylo had completely lost his sense of time. On instinct his eyes drifted over to the chronometer, but instead his gaze got drawn by the bright orange wall plate beneath it, that indicated an access panel to a main power line junction._

“ _Orange.”_

“ _Huh?”_

_The memory was there all of a sudden. Had buggered him for a while now on a subconscious level, but he’d set it aside in favor of more upsetting and disturbing things that needed his focus. But now it slapped him right in the face, unwilling to be ignored again. And his mouth just ran away with him._

“ _What happened to that stone she gave you?”_

 _Hux blinked at him in surprise at him breaking their –_ his _– unspoken rule of not mentioning the events of the clearing again, at least for now. In the end he settled for a small smile, though, and Kylo was more than happy to see it. Small, but a real one._

“ _It was the first real present I got, so I treasured it.”_

 _Kylo didn’t need much imagination to picture that. And he figured that the moment little Hux realized_ who _had given him said present he would’ve cherished it even more. It must’ve been the only thing he’d had of her._

“ _I knew to keep it hidden from my father. He’d never allow such nonsense.” And just like that Hux’ face turned somber – Kylo could’ve kicked himself. “Without Neea and Raenys… it was a cold life. My father was disappointed, my mother hated me and the droid only did what it was programmed to do. Nothing more. I-- At night, when I lay in bed and fought hard not to cry I took out that stone and held it close. It felt warm in my hands. So warm. It reminded me of her and suddenly the memories from our time in the forest seemed so much clearer to me.”_

_Kylo’s eyes narrowed at that and deep in his belly that nagging feeling turned into suspicion. No, more than that. It couldn’t be anything else… “So, you still have it?”_

_Hux frowned at him. And he cocked his head slightly to the side, either intrigued or confused, but definitely on the verge of annoyance. Anyway, the ‘why do you want to know’ hung clearly in the air between them._

“ _My father found it at some point. Ten years later or so. I didn’t say a word but somehow he seemed to know where it came from, anyway.” He huffed. “He was beyond pissed. Hit me so hard I lost consciousness. I woke up in the basement, locked up with nothing but a jug of water. He kept me there for three days.”_

 _Again, the matter-of-fact tone of that statement – okay, there was a tightly contained despising growl underneath,_ but that wasn’t nearly enough _– shocked Kylo more than anything else. His hands balled into fists and his blood grew hot as rage filled him. The very air around him seemed to simmer and vibrate. He wanted to make that sadistic asshole pay. Wanted to shred his mind until he was screaming. Wanted to- and then he remembered that Brendol Hux was already dead. That little detail was enough to disrupt his train of thought. One quick look at his surroundings – and Hux’ pale, weary face – cleared his mind enough that he could force the anger down. His voice was rough when he finally spoke. And too harsh._

“ _So you don’t have it anymore?” He flinched at his own tone._

 _Hux narrowed his eyes at him, his gaze trained on his face. Suspicious. Confused. And definitely irritated by now. Pressing his lips into a thin line he crossed his arms in front of his_ _chest. It was clear as glass that he was done with talking and revealing things he’d wanted to keep locked away. “I didn’t say that. I found it in his office after his death. Hidden away in a box. No idea why he kept it, but-- it was mine and I took it back!”_

_Hux pushed himself away from the wall he’d been leaning against, that sudden rush of rightful anger gone again already. He looked completely drained and ready to drop. “I’m going to bed now.”_

_Hux still had it. Possibly close, something of that much value to him._

_So why had he never felt it?_

“ _Hux?”_

“ _What?” It sounded more as if what he’d wanted to say was something between a shouted ‘enough’ – dangerous and imperative – and a pathetically groaned ‘just leave me, please’._

_Kylo was sorry already, but he needed to tell him. “It’s not a stone.”_

“ _Huh?”_

“ _What your mother gave you. It’s not a stone. It’s a kyber crystal.”_

_There was no reaction at all. Kylo knew that Hux knew what a kyber crystal was, so it wasn’t ignorance, just the utter lack of surprise. So…_

_Hux had known. Or at least suspected on some level._

_That didn’t answer any of his questions, though. Why hadn’t he felt it? If there’s a kyber crystal in Hux’ quarters, he should_ feel _it. There was no way not to as it was one with the Force. He wondered if Hux knew that the crystal had been warm to the touch because it had reacted to his very life force? Or that it had been the crystal’s doing that his memories of his mother became sharper whenever he held it? He wondered if that little bit of warmth and remembered love had been the only warmth and love Hux had gotten for years, if not decades?_

_His mind was full of questions that he wanted answered. And yet he voiced the only one he knew Hux could not possibly know the answer to._

“ _Hux? Is your mother force-sensitive?”_

  


***

  


Kylo reached for the box, that held the kyber crystal of Hux’ mother. It might held an imprint of her. It might help him to find her.

“ _Kriff!_ ”

The box slipped from his fingers as he pulled his hand back.

“Kylo?” Suddenly worried Hux stepped closer.

Kylo shuddered. It hadn’t _stung_ , but touching that thing had left him cut off for a second. His stomach had turned, his knees weak and his head swimming at the simple _wrongness_ of it. There was no doubt left: that box was indeed made out of Dathomirian water-ore.

“I’m alright,” he said and shook his head.

“What happened?”

“It’s blocking the Force. That’s why I could never feel its presence. Touching it-- it cut me off as well, for a moment. It’s- disorienting.”

“I didn’t even know that’s possible. Should- should I open it for you?”

Kylo nodded. He certainly wouldn’t touch that box a second time. But as he saw Hux’ slender fingers take the box up from the bed where it had fallen to and wrap around it, ready to open it, a surge of _something_ doused him like a torrent of ice water.

“Wait. Stop.”

No. If he opened that box, Snoke would also be able to feel the crystal. Feel its connection to the Hux-line. And a part of him didn’t dare think about what Snoke might do with that knowledge. Rooting through every last corner of Hux’ mind to see if there was any force-sensitivity that could be coaxed to life and used by him. Or going for Hux’ sibling, should he still live, taking him as a second apprentice or, should he prove unworthy to Snoke, kill him.

So he put his hand over Hux’ instead, cringing inside against the wrongness so close to his touch. He looked at his lover, waited till he had his full attention.

“Put it away again. Keep it hidden. And don’t open it. Promise me!”

Hux narrowed his eyes in confusion. He clearly suspected that there was more going on here and Kylo could practically see the questions forming on his lips.

“Promise me! Don’t open it until I tell you to!”

There must have been something in his tone or his gaze – didn’t matter – that got across his own urgent unease, this sense of an elusive danger looming over them, for Hux didn’t voice any of his questions. He just set his jaw and nodded.

“I promise.”

After a moment of heavy silence Hux got up and put the box away again. It took him longer than it should have. When he finally got back into the bedroom Kylo knew why.

He held another box. This one full of colorful bags.

And for a tiny second Kylo wished the other box back, for it was easier to face.

Hux, only clad in low hanging pants and a black undershirt, looked every bit as weary and reluctant as he felt.

He sat heavily onto the bed, his eyes trained on his lover who took a seat right next to him, the box on his lap. Their gazes met. Neither of them said a word.

For the second time now he reached out towards a box, unsure which of them troubled him more. His fingers almost touched the little bags inside that displayed an almost obscene cheerfulness of colors. He stopped, hesitated. Looked up at Hux.

“Will it always be like this time?”

Hux bit his lip and exhaled sharply through his nose. His eyes were wide. “God, I hope not, but-” His gaze dropped, as did the volume of his voice. “Sometimes- yeah.”

_Alright- let’s do this!_

Bracing himself he blindly grabbed one of the bags. The printing on it a heavy mix of different greens that looked like a thick foliage. He dropped it right back. He’d had enough forests and foliage and wetness for quite a while, so he picked a black one instead, with swirls of deep purple and a dark blue, littered with lighter specks. It reminded him of the vastness and comfort of space.

He pulled the paper out, before he could change his mind.

It read one word. One simple word.

 _Fun_.

His sigh of relief was echoed next to him. Hux leaned closer, his hand suddenly on Kylo’s shoulder and his mouth so close to his ears that his breath moved his hair.

“I think you’ll like this one.”

Then Hux got up, rolled his shoulders. And scratched at his cheek again. “It’s high time to turn into General Hux again!” Hux vanished into the fresher, mumbling something like ‘still kriffin’ itches’.

For a second Kylo simply sat there, staring. Then he hurried right after Hux. There was a chance to see Hux with wild hair and beard _and_ in ginger, if he only managed to convince him to remove the color before shaving.

An opportunity he couldn’t let slide. Not under any circumstances.

“ _Wait!_ ”

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's no spoiler to say that the next aspect won't be as sad as the first one ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux takes Kylo on a surprise trip to have some fun.

 

"Hux!"

Kylo startled awake, his scream still hanging in the air and for a horrifying moment he had absolutely no idea where he was. He reached out, his need to make sure that his lover was okay overwhelming, but there was nothing there.

He blinked, trying to focus through the heavy thudding of his heart and the panic. And his surroundings cleared. He wasn't in his bed. He was in his shuttle. Dozed off as it seemed.

He sagged back in the chair, breathing heavily. It had been that dream again. He knew it, even though he couldn't really remember anything apart from an intense feeling of failure and fear, so much fear. And Hux. He couldn't make sense of it, not without a clear picture, it was just that intense feeling of looming danger. And he just _knew_ that it was more than a simple dream.

Still a bit shaky he rubbed his face and shook his head.

That had been the second time in five days.

Just another thing to add up to this intangible sense of foreboding that he couldn't shake. He could feel it in the Force: an odd shift, a thrumming. Something was about to happen. Something big.

Snoke could feel it too. Had even summoned him to the Supremacy to discuss the issue. Snoke feared it had something to do with Skywalker. The man was more dangerous than they'd thought and could thwart all their plans should he emerge again.

_Find him and destroy your former master. It will be yet another step forward in your training. Disconnecting your ties to the light once and for all. Find the missing piece of the map and find Skywalker! And do it fast!_

An alarm rang through the shuttle. The acoustic warning that the ship would jump back into normal space in a few minutes. Glad for the distraction he leaned forward and activated any systems he needed for the very short flight back to the Finalizer.

Within twenty minutes he was back on board. He quickly sent out a few coded messages to some old Imperial contacts as well as his Knights. Any information about Skywalker's whereabouts or those of his old friends and allies would be a start. He needed to find that missing piece of the map before it fell into the hands of his mo... the Resistance. He also included the names of Neea and Raenys into his messages. It wouldn't hurt to have a few more eyes and ears out there.

He finished just in time. After almost two days of discussing troubling Force phenomena and sitting around in a shuttle he did look forward to some physical exercise. With quick strides he hurried towards the gym.

Only two corridor junctions away from his goal Hux suddenly appeared out of nowhere, quickly falling into step beside him.

"Change of plans, Ren. Be ready-"

"That can wait, General. I'm busy."

The heavy steps of stormtroopers thudded through the hallway, getting closer. Hux sped up and planted himself right in front of him, forcing him to stop. _Really Hux, I need this_. He wasn't quite at the point where he would project that thought into his lover's mind, but he tried to convey it with his eyes alone. Until he remembered that he wore his mask.

"No, you are not. Your schedule shows your usual booking of the gym, for your training I presume. Otherwise nothing. Which doesn't amount to 'busy' in my vocabulary. You will accompany me."

"Will I?" He had a pretty good idea what this was amounting to, yet a group of troopers were passing their hallway close by. He couldn't ask here, out in the open. They had an image to uphold.

Hux ignored that completely. "Meet me in hangar bay two in half an hour. Grab some warm clothes, it will get cold. Oh, and bring-- additional weaponry. We'll need it! Thirty minutes! _Your_ shuttle."

And then Hux was gone again. Without even waiting for an answer.

Kylo wasn't sure how to feel about another trip to Hux' soul right about now.

But it was hard enough for the two of them to find the time and then spend it off-ship together, so he wouldn't spoil Hux' plans. _Additional weaponry_. So he was supposed to bring the second lightsaber.

Well, at least it seemed he'd get a chance to work up some sweat anyway.

  


***

  


"Which part of _warm clothes_ you didn't get?"

Kylo rolled his eyes. "I love you, too!" He quickly closed the distance between them and kissed Hux for the first time since leaving early yesterday morning. Hux melted easily against him, before he broke it off and gently stroked his gloved thumbs across Kylo's cheeks.

"Good to have you back. But I meant what I said. You'll need something warmer than this," he said, pointing at him.

His black pants were of a thicker material than usual, but apart from that it were the same clothes he always wore. Black tunic, broad belt. His cowl and the coat with the highly-slit coat-tails that allowed for more mobility lay in a heap on one of the seats in the back. Just as both his lightsabers.

He frowned, then chuckled. "You're such a mother hen."

Hux huffed. "I am most certainly not! But please, freeze your ass off and see if I care."

Sometimes it was so easy to rile him up. Maybe he shouldn't enjoy it so much. On the other hand, he adored that indignant little huff too much.

"Oh, don't fool yourself. You love kneading that ass. You _would_ care. But if that makes you feel better: my coat is back there and this tunic has a special insulation woven into it. It accommodates to almost any climate, so," he raised a suggestive eyebrow, "my ass is all yours."

Hux merely shook his head in mock defeat and sank into the pilot's seat. "It's moments like these that I ask myself, why the hell I even put up with you."

Kylo couldn't help but laugh. Just being with Hux-- it gave him the chance to forget about his worries for a while. He stepped behind Hux and leaned down, his hands on his shoulders and his chin on that accurately styled hair.

"Well, it's like I said. You love that ass too much. It's understandable. It's a great ass."

And there it was. That choked chuckle Hux made, whenever he tried to stay annoyed but just failed.

"So, where are we off to?"

"You'll see."

  


***

  


"So, this is supposed to be about fun and you bring me to an icy wasteland?"

Although, truth be told, the view out the windshield was something you don't see everyday. Flat terrain, no hill or tree or anything in view for miles. Just snow. Endless snow. That sparkled and reflected the bluish-green light of the sun. It probably wasn't the sun itself, but some particles in the atmosphere. Nonetheless, it looked stunning.

"Why not back to the spa? We had fun in the spa, didn't we?"

Hux brushed aside his little jibes, although Kylo was really curious about the answer. Why this place? Hux ignored him completely as he got up and over to their stuff in the back. His greatcoat hung from a hook there, but he didn't even look at it. Instead he went for the two lightsabers, took them and raised an eyebrow at him.

"You coming?"

Of course he was.

The air was brisk. Refreshing. Cold enough to fog their breaths, but not overly uncomfortable. The snow crunched beneath his boots, yet it felt denser than the snow he was used to. He barely sank more than an inch into it, although the at least one and a half feet that the ship had vanished into the snow suggested that this blanket of snow was far deeper than it seemed.

Hux stood a few yards away, a challenging grin on his lips, and for the first time Kylo really noticed the clothes he's wearing. Heavy boots, thick pants that hugged his slim legs perfectly – not too tight, not too loose – and some kind of padded sweater made of some high quality fiber that looked even more expensive than it looked warm. And it made a pretty cozy impression. All of it in black, matching his leather gloves.

He looked gorgeous. And dangerous.

With a quick motion he sent one of the lightsabers flying. Kylo, always the impatient one, didn't wait for it to fall into his hands but called it with the Force.

"I understand I kept you from your training?" Hux smirked, looking far too smug.

Kylo cocked his head a bit. "So you thought you'd provide an apology?"

"No. More like-- an improved setting."

Hux' saber ignited and the crackling of barely tamed energy sounded eerily loud in the wide nothingness all around. Kylo couldn't help but grin. For all of Hux' endless tirades about that 'instable deathtrap' he sure had quickly developed a liking for it once he'd wielded it for himself the first time. It was always Hux who carried the lightsaber with the crossguard vents when they sparred.

Kylo still had no idea what exactly Hux was getting at with this, but for now he was far from complaining.

Their blades met over the greenish snow, energy flaring up just as their gazes met amidst the red glow, burning with eager anticipation. And a silent challenge.

They went slow at the beginning, moving about, testing the grounds as well as the others defenses to warm up, until a wordless shared nod signaled: time for the real fight!

Red lines slashed through their line of vision, his own just as much as Hux', thrumming their delight out into the vast landscape. Kylo whirled around, never letting that dark shadow, that moved gracefully through the snow, out of his eyes. Hux was agile and dangerously quick on his feet. He'd learned fast these last months, always eager to challenge himself, and by now it was seriously paying off. He was good. Really good. Without ever being taught to, he compensated for his lack of brute force by using his agility to his advantage. And, moreover, he'd started implementing moves from his own battle training into the routines Kylo'd shown him.

Hell, Hux even forced him to get defensive and fight his way out of it, twice.

An unexpected downward slash made him stumble back to avoid a very painful burn on his shoulder.

They were both panting by now. Their gazes met over flushed cheeks.

"Those were some devious moves." Kylo nodded towards Hux and his lightsaber, savoring the obvious pride in his lover's shining eyes. "Pretty impressive for someone who's not Force-sensitive."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just what I said." Kylo shrugged. It was just a statement. A fact.

Hux' posture shifted, his free hand akimbo. The beginning of an indignant frown on his brow. "You make it sound as if it's only possible to truly excel at a lightsaber duel if one's got a connection to your precious Force."

This was dangerously close to becoming a mess. Why did he even had to bring it up? But he wouldn't lie. Not to Hux.

"That's because it's more or less true. In a way the same goes for other types of combat as well."

He definitely should've phrased that better. Hux seemed to be truly offended this time around. Angry, but with this expertly hidden pain underneath.

"So, you're actually saying you're better than me – better than _anyone_! – no matter what kind of combat we'd engage in? No matter how many years I'd train? Because of the _Force_?"

Kylo could practically feel the ground beneath him turn more slippery by the second, figuratively speaking.

"I didn't say that. It's possible for non-force-sensitives to gain mastery to an extent where they become one with their weapon or their own body. Their instincts just as sharpened as their skills. It takes years and not everybody achieves it, but in the end it's nothing else than a connection to the Force, as close as someone not born with a sensitivity to it can get."

"Ah, so all you have to do to become _really_ good at something is finding a way to connect to something that you can neither see or feel or touch or sense by any other means." There was a biting quality to Hux' voice.

Kylo sighed. "Everything is already connected to the Force, Hux. It's more like- fine-tuning."

Hux gave a derisive snort. But Kylo knew him too well to be fooled by that. By trying to complement him, Kylo had unintentionally hurt him and now he was too proud to admit neither his being hurt nor his frustration with yet another discussion about the Force.

"Look Hux." He needed to set this right again. "I'm sorry I started this. It was never my intention to imply you were inferior to me. It's--" He deactivated his lightsaber. "I didn't want to mess up your plans for today, I'm sorry. Maybe- maybe we should do this another time?"

It took a few moments, but in the end Hux deflated and turned off his saber as well. He wiped the back of his wrist across his brow and sighed. This time, when he looked up, Kylo could see the hurt in his eyes.

"No," he said, determined to the end. "Just- explain it to me."

There was no way for him to say 'no' to that quiet pleading for understanding. And this time he'd do a better job at it, he swore to himself.

"Okay, let me try. Let's take your fighting. Your most dangerous qualities are your speed and your flexibility. Not just that of your body, but that of your mind as well. You're quick to assess a situation and turn it to your advantage and you're quick to adjust. Now, you've got a certain repertoire of moves and with any opponent you'd use them by assessing the moves of your adversary, letting your experience guide you. In our fight, you've got the advantage of knowing the way I fight. You know my strengths and weaknesses and my favorite moves. You can attune to that, adjust your style accordingly and use it to your advantage since you already know what I'll most likely go for."

Hux nodded and beckoned him with a small motion of his hand to go on.

"Alright, now imagine that advantage, but multiply it and apply it to _any_ opponent. Imagine reacting to a blow your opponent hasn't even started yet. Imagine your hand being guided where it _needs_ to be to deflect a deadly blow before you can even actively _think_ of moving it."

A disbelieving huff cut him off and his attention focused even more on his lover in front of him. The man who currently wore yet another offended frown, only this time his disbelief seemed to win out. "You've been holding out on me this whole time?"

Of course he had. Hux had been a complete novice a few months ago. Even with his immense progress and aptitude- he couldn't fight Hux like one of his knights. "It wouldn't have been fair otherwise."

"Since when do you care about fairness in a fight?"

_Since it's you I'm fighting, you slow-witted idiot!_

"Okay," Hux declared, throwing his free hand out as he stepped closer, "none of that. I want to know. For real!" He was right in front of him now, stabbing his gloved index finger against his chest. "No holding back this time!"

_No, no, no. This is a bad idea, Hux!_

Opening himself up to the Force instead of closing it off like he'd done so far during their fights would only make him faster. Deadlier. Hux wasn't there yet, wasn't ready to face _that_. All it would need was one misstep, one too slow movement from Hux and Kylo wasn't sure if he'd be able to prevent disaster.

"I don't want to hurt you!"

Hux smiled. "You won't." A hand gripped Kylo's arm and squeezed gently, reassuringly, and Hux was very close all of a sudden, his expression serious and solemn. "I know you'd never hurt me, Kylo. I trust you!"

Something warm tickled inside his belly. Even after all this time it was still such a foreign feeling for someone to actually _trust_ in his abilities.

_This is a bad idea_.

"If you say so."

It's different this time. An additional awareness was humming through his veins, its rhythm resonating with the crackling thrum of the lightsaber in his hands. It's just as he'd expected: he's always a step ahead, could easily foresee Hux' moves, either deflecting them with ease or step around them and launch an unexpected attack of his own that forced Hux to adjust quickly to the new circumstances if he didn't want a whole burnt through his chest.

It went on like that for a few moments, blades whooshing through the air, hissing through evaporating snow or clashing in angry flashes. Hux never gave up. Instead he feinted an attack from the side, then, in the last second, he slid down into the snow and slashed at him from below. But Kylo was already there, swiping Hux' arm with the lightsaber aside, hard enough that most would've lost the grip on the weapon – most, but not Hux. He barely caught the movement of his own blade in time before it could burn into his lover's flesh.

Hux used that tiny distraction to roll aside and bring some space between them. His chest was heaving as he stood there, face glistening with sweat and snow clinging to his left side – damp hair and everything. Clouds of his labored breaths billowed around his bright red ears.

And he attacked anew.

Damn, that man was stubborn.

Very soon his attacks got sloppy with exhaustion, though, and he was fighting tooth and nail to even keep his defensive up.

_It's time to end this_.

He whirled around in one last vicious attack to whip the weapon from Hux' grip and end this fight. It happened too sudden. The second the alarm bells in his mind screamed for him to turn back, was the same second Hux lost his footing. Hux stumbled, just as the blades clashed against each other again. Too exhausted, he couldn’t hold his grip on his saber against the force of Kylo's move. It slipped from his fingers, as Kylo had planned, but with the stumbling steps the angle wasn't the same anymore and the crossguard was way too close to Hux' wrist.

Hux screamed.

The sound cut right through him and distracted him that crucial millisecond from realizing that now his lover was right in the way of his own lightsaber strike.

It was pure instinct.

He pushed outward with the Force and his blade sank into the snow, its hissing even angrier within the instantly evaporating substance. Right next to it was a whole in the form of the other lightsaber, where it had fallen from his lover's hand and melted a way down through the many layers of snow.

Kylo was panting hard, his damp hair stuck messily to his face.

Hux was lying on the ground, maybe four or five yards away where he’d fallen down after Kylo’s Force push. A black heap against the glittering snow. The bluish-green light suddenly cold and unfriendly.

_No, no, no, no, NO!_

He's running even before he thought about it. His heart was thudding to the rhythm of 'please be okay' in his head. His rasping breaths screaming ' _you_ did this'. He fell to his knees at his lover's side. Hux was lying on his side, his eyes open, but only partly. He was panting for real this time, his chest working hard to keep up with his rasping breaths. Pearls of sweat were trailing down his hair, his nose, his chin, and the snow beneath his heated face was in the process of melting.

"Hux?" He reached out a tentative hand.

But before it could even touch him, Hux flopped onto his back with a groan, still panting heavily. Half-melted snow was clinging to his hair and cheek. And he chuckled. _Chuckled_.

Hux was okay. Absolutely worn out maybe, but otherwise okay. It was okay!

"You weren't kidding, huh?"

Kylo shook his head in disbelief. This man would one day be the death of him! "I told you so." It was all he managed at the moment. And it only made Hux chuckle harder.

He got up again, his feet surprisingly steady, and helped Hux up. A bit wobbly on his feet, Hux swayed and put his splayed hand against Kylo's chest to keep himself upright. A hand that was luckily still attached to his wrist and not burnt off. He looked up at him through wet lashes, dripping both sweat and molten snow everywhere.

"Did I ever tell you? I'm really glad we're on the same side!"

And Kylo burst out laughing.

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm always confused by the accessability of the Force in Star Wars. One moment it sounds as if everyone can attune to it and use it if he only puts his mind to it and practices and the next moment it sounds as if there's force-sensitive people who have 'the gift' and those who haven't.   
> Anyway, I went with something in between (but closer to the second one) in this story. I hope my strange fighting/force-explanation wasn't too confusing or stupid. It was something that made sense to me one evening but now, reading it again, I'm not so sure...
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and are ready for some cute silliness in the next one :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silliness ensues. That and a few more memories from days long past.

 

"Here, put that on!"

Hux looked up, away from the vastness outside, a faraway expression on his face. It was almost as if he didn't see the stain to the beauty that they'd caused; the mess of traces they'd left in the snow like an ugly scar amidst untouched skin. His eyes narrowed just as Kylo dropped his cowl into Hux' lap.

Even with his insulated tunic it felt good to have the additional layer of his coat back, especially after their 'work out'. He sat down onto the open ramp as well, next to Hux.

"Your hair's all wet. You'll catch your death. Now put it on already!"

Hux raised an eyebrow at him, then slipped the garment over his head and pulled it this way and that until he'd managed to wrap it surprisingly snug around his head and neck. It looked ridiculous on him, especially in combination with his greatcoat.

A cheeky grin smiled out at him from under his cowl. "Who's the mother hen now, huh?"

For a while they just sat there, Kylo swearing to himself that something like this would _never_ be repeated again! He'd come way too close to hurting Hux – he'd been lucky that the crossguard had only come close enough for him to feel the intense heat, but hadn't touched him. And Hux-- he had no idea what Hux was thinking, but his mind seemed at peace.

Well, Kylo wasn't too eager to shiver an afternoon away by sitting motionless on cold metal, so when the cold slowly started getting to him he nudged Hux gently, trying to get some answers.

"So-- what's the reason we're here?"

As if woken from some kind of trance, Hux got up and grinned down at him. "I'll show you."

And just like that he stepped out into the snow again and vanished around the corner of the ship's wing.

"You comin'?"

Of course he followed. First down the ramp then through the snow. The second he stepped around the corner of the wing something was moving. The very air tingled around him and before he's completely aware of it he'd already yanked his hand up-- to find himself face to face with a tight ball of snow hanging in mid-air.

A snowball.

A _snowball???_ _Seriously?_

"Did you just...?"

A colorful set of expletives sounded from his right. There was movement, dark against white, and just as he turned towards Hux another missile hurled through the air. He dodged it, barely, but he did. This time without the Force. And even more puzzlement edged into his brow than before.

"What the hell?"

"What?" Hux asked innocently. And threw another one right at him.

He deflected it with a wink of his hand. "Okay, enough is enough! Just you wait!" If Hux wanted a fight, he should have a fight! He stooped down, grabbed a handful of snow and pressed it into shape, all in one fluid motion. Then sent it flying.

Hux whirled aside just in time and jumped behind the safety of the massive wing of the shuttle. Protected from counterattacks he leaned around the corner, beaming with glee at his advantage as he hurled yet another ball at him. Even the awkward angle did nothing to compromise Hux' deadly aim.

Another small push of the Force and the white missile stopped and shot off right back. Hux ducked back behind cover. But Kylo was having none of it. Just a tiny wave of his fingers and the snowball swerved around the obstacle and--

Thud.

A shocked gasp. Then spluttering.

And Kylo laughed. "Was that supposed to be a challenge?" He wouldn't go so far as to call it gloating, but- yeah, that was definitely what he was doing right now.

"Am I supposed to be impressed by that cheap trick?" Hux asked. "You've got to know me better by now."

Another ball flew out from behind the wing, but it came not even close.

Too late did he realize his mistake. His eyes had traced the movement of the small missile and that was all the distraction Hux needed. The tactician came storming out from behind his cover, obviously in one last frontal assault since there was no backup to be had. There was a whole barrage of prepared snowballs resting in the crook of his left arm. And damn, that man knew how to make use of them.

Hux hurled them at him, faster than Kylo would've thought possible. And again with deadly precision even though he was running.

His initial distraction left him too stunned – and annoyed with himself – to properly react. So instead of making full use of his powers he barely managed to throw his arms up to deflect the first white missiles. By the time he managed to get a hold of himself and stop the snowballs in midair or throw them right back, he'd lost track of Hux.

Without a doubt just what the redhead had wanted to accomplish.

And just as his senses tingled again something dark slid past him, low across the ground. And a surprisingly hard, cold ball smashed against his chin – from below. He gasped in surprise before he ground his teeth, but it was already too late: he'd lost his grip on the floating snowballs all around and they dropped harmlessly into the snow.

Laughter rang from somewhere behind him while Kylo wiped the cold sludge from his chin and neck.

This war wasn't over yet.

It was just beginning.

A devilish smirk tugged at the corner of his lips.

 _Time for a demonstration of strength_.

One quick look around told him that Hux was hidden somewhere, probably preparing his next plan of attack. He crouched down and quickly loaded up on munition. A moment to gather his thoughts and he was ready, looking for Hux.

He found him halfway between the ramp and the other wing, wiping the snow from his pants. The second Hux spotted him he readied yet another snowball, his eyes narrowing. Kylo knew it was his smug grin that put him off.

Just what he needed.

Piece by piece his little white missiles appeared next to him, floating out from behind his back to hover next to him in the air. At least a dozen at once.

And Hux' face fell, his eyes wide, flicking to either side to gauge his chances of escape. "Damn!"

Kylo merely grinned and shrugged. And let them loose, all at once.

Hux turned and ran for the cover of the wing. A useless endeavor. He made it barely two steps before the first cold missiles smacked him in the back. Dull thudding accompanied each and every hit: against his legs, his shoulders, the back of his head. Three of them swerved around him in a circle, wide enough for Hux to spot them. He threw his arms up in a desperate attempt to shield his face, but Kylo quickly changed their course. The first dived right underneath his raised arms and crashed into his face. He spluttered, stumbled. _Smack! Smack!_ Again into his face.

Hux went down.

Kylo uttered a triumphant laugh and – just for good measure – let the last remaining two snowballs rain down on Hux as well.

"What? Couldn't handle a bit of superior fire power? What did you say? I win? I would've never guessed?"

A second.

Another second.

There should've come a biting remark by now.

 _Come on, you're never_ that _sore of a loser._

"Hux?"

But it wasn't just the lack of answer, Hux was still lying on the ground. Completely motionless.

"Come on Hux, that was only snow."

Surprisingly compact snow that turned out quite hard on impact, but not _that_ hard. Right?

Still, no reaction. No movement. Nothing.

"Hux?"

He couldn't help the soft twinges of unease in his stomach. Carefully he stepped closer, his steps getting longer and quicker with every second that passed, with every moment that his lover remained an unmoving heap in the snow. The remnants of snowballs clung to his coat and the cowl.

Kylo knelt down next to him. Hux was mostly lying on his front, his face almost completely buried in the snow, his visible hand limp beside his face. His skin looked pale and sick in the wan green light.

"Hux?" He grabbed his shoulder and pulled him onto his side and was surrounded by icy, wild coldness all of a sudden. The sound of hysterical laughter rang in his ears, mocking him.

Delighting him.

It was a sound so free of constraints, a sound so reminiscent of childish joy that it was impossible to resist it.

"You're not the only one who's not beneath resorting to cheap tricks."

Kylo wiped the half molten sludge from his face, the gesture played for dramatics, full of overly slow movements and big grimaces. Hux was sitting right in front of him, absolutely pleased with himself. And he looked gorgeous, all flushed and with snow sticking to the edges of the cowl and drops of water clinging to his lashes and eyebrows and that radiant energy, that pure _life_ radiating from his eyes--

With one swift motion he launched himself at Hux, pushed him back into the pliant snow and claimed those delicious lips. He laughed and kissed him, on and on. Part of him tried to remember the last time any of them had felt this silly and happy and _carefree_ , but failed, too overwhelmed and engrossed by the intoxicating rush of unadulterated delight.

Simply put:

 _Fun_.

  


***

  


"To be honest-- I would've never guessed that a snowball fight is what you understand by fun," Kylo admitted, taking a sip of pleasantly warm tea.

Even high on endorphins and silliness and delicious kisses they'd felt the cold at some point. Still on the planet, but back on the ship, they'd hopped into the tiny sonic shower – one after the other – and warmed themselves now with a cup of tarine tea. They sat on a long bench in the back part of the shuttle, clad in a fresh set of clothes.

"Come to think of it," he mused further while pulling his feet up the bench and putting his cup down on the floor. Hux raised his arm with an inviting smile before he even had to ask. His head found its usual spot on his lover's thigh with ease. Still, he wiggled around a bit until – like expected and secretly intended – Hux put his arm down again and rested it loosely over Kylo's chest to keep him from fidgeting.

He smiled. And Hux' answering grin told him, that the other knew just too well, that his wiggling had been on purpose.

"You were saying?"

Kylo looked up at Hux, at his relaxed features that always seemed softer from this angle. "I would've thought more of something like-- giving big speeches or ordering subordinates around." Hux raised a quizzical eyebrow at him and took a few sips of his tea. Kylo waited until he was done and put his cup down next to him. "Or maybe sex with me?" He waggled suggestively with his eyebrows.

And got exactly what he'd been aiming for: a half amused, half disbelieving chuckle. And a nudge to his head, which wasn't quite as expected. "You're ego truly knows no bounds, huh?"

Kylo grinned. That big goofy grin that his muscles had almost forgotten how to do until Hux had somehow coaxed it back to life without even trying. "Nope. None at all." He leaned a bit closer and moved one hand from his belly to rest it on top of Hux' hand. "But seriously. Why this? And why here? Wherever we actually are."

“The ‘where’ is not important here,” Hux explained, his gaze fixed on something only he could see. And that made no sense to Kylo at all. Wasn’t this about the importance of places as well? “It’s not a specific place that mattered to me. Just- just the snow and the cold. If that makes any sense.”

“I guess it does.”

Hux turned back towards him. This unusual softness still taking the edges from his sharp features. Kylo felt the movement more than he saw it, but a moment later long slender fingers were in his hair, stroking it, combing through different strands and deftly scratching against his scalp.

He almost purred. At least his eyes closed at the pleasant sensations and a soft, appreciative hum escaped his lips. Maybe it actually was a purr after all.

“It’s not just the snowball fight. Don’t forget about the lightsaber training.”

“So, a combination of present day fun and something from the past, I guess?”

“So to speak, yeah. After leaving Arkanis we mostly lived on ships. There were a few periods we spent planetside, depending where my father was stationed at the time and for what purpose. It was never for longer than a few months. We were on this one planet once, I don’t remember its name. It was winter and there was snow everywhere.” Hux puffed softly, his stomach twitching next to Kylo’s face at the sudden constriction of muscles. “I had never seen snow before. You’ve seen Arkanis. I guess you can imagine why. The climate there’s pretty stable. No such things as seasons.”

Kylo couldn’t help the chuckle. No, he seriously couldn’t imagine Arkanis under a shining white layer of snow. The second he tried the snow turned to sludge and got stained by brown mud.

“How old were you?”

“Not sure. Maybe twelve?”

He could almost see him. A thin red-headed boy with freckles on his cheeks, his green eyes big and his lips pulling into a marveling smile as his fingertips graced the topmost layer of freshly fallen snow for the first time. He liked that image.

“My father was determined to make a worthy officer of the First Order out of me, so, wherever he was stationed he took it upon himself to find a junior officer to hire as some sort of personal trainer for me. To ‘toughen me up’.”

A low growl rumbled through his chest. He _really_ didn’t like the guy.

Hux’ hand on his chest started rubbing in soothing circles. Otherwise he didn’t acknowledge his reaction and simply went on.

“He’d found this guy. His name was Corran. He was in his early twenties and he was everything I wasn’t. Tall and broad and strong and well-built. And he took his job pretty seriously. We’d trained twice already, though inside due to the constant snowstorms. It had been hard and intense and each time I’d been sore for days. But then the storm had cleared and my father had insisted that we go outside.

“I really, _really_ didn’t want to. It looked freezing outside and the thought of running laps through almost knee-deep snow while icy air cut right through my lungs didn’t held much appeal for me. Not that I had a say in it. A part of me hated those exercises. It didn’t matter how much effort I put in, it was never enough anyway. I was still gangly and too thin, no muscles anywhere in sight. But that other part of me looked forward to the challenge. And even if I didn’t gain any muscles I got faster and more flexible and it certainly built stamina.”

“Yeah, you just can’t resist a challenge, huh?” Kylo opened his eyes and winked up at Hux who shook his head in mock-exasperation. “I don’t think I can imagine you all beefy and jacked. It would look just- _wrong_.”

That hand on his chest stopped its ministrations and slapped against him instead. The other hand pulled back from his hair. “Thank you very much.” He sounded miffed.

Kylo raised an eyebrow. “Come on, brute force just wouldn’t suit you. This,” he lifted his left arm and squeezed it between Hux’ back and the backrest until his fingers could curl around his lover’s side possessively, “is perfect the way it is. Lean and nimble, the body just as lightning-quick as the mind. Such a deliciously dangerous combination. So no, I don’t want you all beefy.” He looked up and caught Hux’ gaze, just as he squeezed his hand and nestled his face closer with a wicked grin. “I like my agile little beast.”

Hux stared down at him, eyes narrowed. “Did you just call me-” A very smug smirk tugged more and more at his lips, “- deliciously dangerous?” Hux sucked one side of his bottom lip into his mouth, bit down and buried his hand back into Kylo’s hair. “I like the sound of that!”

“Don’t let it get to your delightfully twisted head. But I think I interrupted you...”

“That you did. Any chance you remember where I was? And-- it’s actually quite uncomfortable to sit with your arm at my back.”

“Sorry.” He pulled his arm back and placed it on top of Hux’ arm on his chest, lazily trailing the length of his fingers with his fingertips. “Better?”

Hux nodded.

“Liking and hating those exercises. That’s where you left off.”

“Yeah, right.” After staring for another few seconds at their joined hands, clearly distracted by the gentle caresses, Hux finally pulled himself together again. “Like I was saying, before you so rudely barged in on my story, we went outside. I didn’t know that snow crunched when it got compressed. And I didn’t expect it to be this slippery. For minutes everything is fine and then you do one wrong step and you slip and either embarrass yourself by falling or embarrass yourself even more by trying to prevent yourself from falling. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to spending more time than necessary outside. Especially since trudging through knee-high snow was far more exhausting than I thought possible.”

“You didn’t like it?”

Hux shook his head. “No.”

Kylo mimicked the gesture in fond exasperation. “Every child loves snow. Well, every one but you it seems.”

“Not at first,” Hux conceded. “Corran led me away from the compound until we were out of sight. So I was prepared to get worked hard and run until my lungs would be burning from the icy air. Instead the guy throws a snowball at me. I didn’t understand. Neither what he was doing, nor why. And Corran laughed and said, he’d thought I needed some fun. A moment to relax and enjoy myself, away from my father’s eyes. I was so perplexed his next ball caught me right in the chest. _Come on, you can do better than that. Fight! Forget about boring exercises for a moment and just have some fun! And if it makes you feel any better, this can be just as demanding as training._

“It took me a while to figure out that he actually meant it. That this wasn’t an elaborate scheme to do a number on me or a test of my father. He was surprisingly patient. But in the end we _did_ engage in a snowball fight. An epic one. It lasted for ages and we were both using all kinds of tactics and cheap tricks, everything we could think of to outsmart the other and get the upper hand. We were soaked by the end of it. And utterly exhausted.“

Kylo smiled. He liked this story. Liked to imagine that little red-headed boy scheming his next attack while dodging snowballs, laughing and screaming the whole time like only children could. And he liked that soft smile those memories painted on his lover’s face.

“I-- I don’t think I even knew the meaning of the word ‘fun’ until that day. I’ve never laughed so much before in my life. Or after. Until I met you, that is.”

Their gazes met and for a moment Kylo wasn’t sure if he still remembered how to breathe. There was so much open admiration and wonder and love in those beautiful green eyes, their gaze like a caress, a kiss, just far more intense, and something warm exploded in his chest. So warm it almost burned him and yet he wanted even more of it.

“I love you, too,” he finally whispered.

  


***

  


Back in their own quarters on the Finalizer Hux rolled his shoulders, grimacing the whole time. “I’m going to be sore all over tomorrow. That lightsaber duel was maybe a bit more challenging than expected.”

Kylo headed into the bedroom, but not without throwing a smug grin over his shoulder. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

A disgruntled grumbling sounded behind him. “Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s my own fault.”

He chuckled quietly while he threw his things into the corner – he knew Hux hated it when he left his things all over the place or on the floor, but he was too lazy and pleasantly exhausted to care – and pulled off his outer layer of clothes.

When he turned back Hux stood in the open door, without his coat and thick sweater. But with a box in his hand. A box filled with six more colorful bags. And an overwhelming reluctance filled him all of a sudden. It was the wistful expression on his lover’s face, though, that tipped the balance and decided for him.

“This day is about fun and it’s not over yet, so why don’t we wait with that until tomorrow, hm?” He had no idea what else was waiting for him in those bags, no idea if it were more things like today – lighthearted and interesting and fun – or more things like that first time – emotionally draining to put it mildly. Whatever was waiting, he didn’t want it to spoil this wonderful day.

Hux’ little smile told him that it was the right decision. He left, putting the box away again and when he came back in he rubbed at his neck and shoulder, flinching and hissing the whole time.

Kylo sighed. Fondly. “Alright, get rid of that shirt and then hop onto the bed.” He concentrated and the drawer of the nightstand opened. A small bottle jumped out of it, sadly almost empty already. The massage oil flew right into his waiting hand. “Let me take care of you. You definitely deserve it. You fought like a wild nexu today.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Hux eyed him skeptically while he slipped out of his shirt.

“Have you ever seen an nexu fight?”

“Not really?”

“Then we definitely need to change that!”

And finally that cheeky grin was back. “So it’s a good thing then?”

“They’re scary, deadly and relentless, so,” he rolled his eyes, but with a smile, “yeah, it’s a good thing.” With a quick move he lunged forward and slapped his flat hand against Hux’ ass. “Come on! Do you want to stand there all night? Get moving!”

  


***

  


When they both stared at the tiny slip of paper the next morning, Kylo was grateful he hadn’t opened it the night before. Dread crept into his chest, sitting there, taking up room that he needed to breath. He couldn’t even say if it was Hux’ or his own.

And all because of two simple words:

 _Biggest fear_.

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like how this chapter turned out. Their interaction when they talk while lounging in the ship or when they come back to their quarters on the Finalizer was really cute and lighthearted and I enjoyed writing it.  
> Also: I quite like the nexu-comparison ;D
> 
> What do you think?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't take long for Kylo to figure out that THIS part of the Cennadan Fae will be the hardest one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the carefree atmosphere of last chapter. If so: keep it in mind and remember it, for this is were things change...

 

Groaning with frustration he let himself fall backwards onto his bed, arms outstretched. The mattress wobbled a few times beneath him, a perfect reflection of his useless to and fro at his search for answers.

The information from one of his knights – admittedly just a vague rumor – about a Skywalker sighting on Dantoine had proven just that: a rumor. With no substantiality behind it. Nothing but a pointless trip across space. One that had needlessly taken him away from Hux barely an hour after they’d revealed the next aspect of the Cennadan Fae.

Apart from that there’d been no word from any of his contacts so far, neither on Skywalker nor on Hux’ family.

He’d tried getting some background information regarding Brendol Hux, but it had all been strictly about his career, barely a note on his wife. As if he’d find anything about the kitchen worker he got pregnant in his personal file. Getting any kind of records on Arkanis from before the Republic’s siege proofed to be difficult, but he’d keep trying.

He’d even tried reaching out with the Force through meditation, but without any kind of guidance it was a fruitless endeavor. He couldn’t even detect any kind of hint or vague feeling on Skywalker who was strong with the Force _and_ who he knew. He was more familiar with the feel of that traitor’s mind than he would’ve liked and still, no matter how wide he opened his mind, he couldn’t get even a glimpse of his whereabouts. So how should he find two women and a thirty year old person that he knew nothing about?

And, to be fair – or honest with himself – he’d never been all that good at this reaching out over great distances with the Force thing. His talents manifested in more focused ways, like reaching into and manipulating minds.

Anyway, he’d wasted three whole days for nothing and to make things worse Hux had been gone when he came back. Left for Starkiller Base to oversee the final adjustments and the most important moment of the whole ‘near completion’ phase: the charging test-run.

He’d never really cared all that much for the superweapon. Sure, it was a powerful tool when it came to intimidation, but he’d never been a friend of long range weapons. He preferred to see his enemy when he struck them down. And the prospect of billions of lives extinguished all at once was-- unsettling to say the least. Something _that_ big would undoubtedly ripple through the Force and he wasn’t keen on experiencing that. Starkiller Base was Hux’ baby though and Hux had made sure to be personally present at every important step of the way. And testing the mechanism that siphoned the energy of the system’s sun was a _very_ important step.

Part of him wanted the test-run to fail. The part that wished to never see this weapon in action. The part he tried so very hard to keep silent, hidden in the dark shadows of his mind.

No, he would hope for a success instead. The Supreme Leader wouldn’t be pleased with further delays.

_Just as he won’t be please if you don’t find Skywalker!_

  


***

  


“ _It worked, Kylo. Even better than expected. The machine was barely active for five seconds but the energy amount harvested exceeded our expectations. Given these numbers we might even be able to charge it twice, maybe even three times. You should’ve seen it! Like lava flowing through space. It was beautiful! Magnificent!”_

Even with the bluish hue of the hologram he could see the sparkle in his lover’s eyes. There was no doubt about Hux’ good mood.

“Sounds great.” He hoped his smile looked convincing in holographic form.

The frown on the small version of Hux that currently floated above his hand while he paced his quarters spoke a clear no to that. _“And you sound_ _bothered. Everything okay?”_

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“ _You’re a terrible liar!”_

He sighed. “It’s just-- I’m supposed to be looking for Skywalker, instead I’m being harassed with questions about fuel supplier contracts and inspections and just one meeting after another and _dealing with training rotations and arrogant department heads was not in my job description!_ ”

Hux just stared at him for a moment, then shook his head and threw his arms up in exasperation. _“Unbelievable! I’m telling you that the greatest invention since the hyperdrive actually_ works _and you’re complaining about having to do my job for a few days? Which is actually your job as well. Co-commander, remember?”_ Suddenly the hologram stilled and Hux frowned again, confused. _“Wait, why_ are _you doing my job?_ _I gave command as well as specific instructions to Captain Peavey.”_

“We were aiding the Prevalence during a Resistance attack. It was a battle situation. I outrank Peavey, so I took charge. They were squashed easily enough, but Peavey got a nasty blow to the head.” He ran his hand through his hair with a sigh.

Hux chuckled. _“And now you’re stuck in position as commander and actually have to deal with the job instead of just the title. I’m sorry, but if you’re looking for pity you won’t_ _get if from me_ _.”_

“Haha, very funny. Just-” His comlink beeped. _Again_. He groaned and threw his head back, his hands balled into fists. What did they want this time? He focused back on the hologram, tired and frustrated and furious with so much incompetence all at once. “Just get back here before I kill someone.”

“ _Give me 24 hours, 30 at most. Think you can manage to keep my ship in one piece till then?”_

“Just get here!” He couldn’t wait to get rid of all this inconsequential nonsense and focus on the important things again. The things that actually mattered to him. Like Starkiller mattered to Hux. This time it was a real smile that graced his lips. “And Hux, congratulations on the test run!”

Hux grinned back, having lost none of his victorious glow over the time of their conversation. _“I have to go now. But Kylo- talk to Mitaka. He’s got a talent for taming chaos._ _See you tomorrow.”_ And the projection vanished.

  


***

  


Sweat was running down his back, right between his shoulder blades. Kylo ignored it, just as he ignored the burning protest of his muscles. He threw himself into yet another set of combat moves, with determination more than real energy. He whirled around, his foot slipped on his own sweat on the floor and he threw his arms up in a desperate attempt to gain his balance again. His sweat-soaked hair swung around his head at his abrupt stop, one strand slapping right into his left eye.

“Ow! Fuck!”

He peeled the hair away and rubbed his burning eye. At least he hadn’t fallen down, but that was pretty much all there was for it. With his hands on his knees he just stood there for a few minutes, panting.

“This has to stop!”

Slower than usual he got up and into the gym’s shower, finally able to relax within the powerful vibrations of the sonic now that he’d finally made a decision. He had no way to speed up the search for Skywalker, had exhausted every last resource, every last idea, but he could do something about this damn tension that was driving him crazy.

Hux’ elation regarding Starkiller Base had been a delight, but it had all too soon given way to a strange gloomy mood which had only gotten worse since then. It hadn’t been hard to figure out what had been going on, not since he’d already expected something like this the moment he’d drawn the words ‘biggest fear’ out of that little bag. With every day the knowledge of what was to come weighed heavier on them, surrounded them like a shadow that sucked every last bit of light out of them – figuratively speaking.

Hux’ mental barriers were up again – they were most of the time, but now they seemed fortified. And behind them that all too familiar dark cloud was back. He knew without a doubt that _this_ part of the custom was the one that Hux dreaded, the one that had added the most to his hesitation and doubt with this whole thing. And _that_ in and off itself put Kylo on edge.

They barely talked with each other and when they did it mostly ended with biting comments that they both regretted soon after but didn’t address. So nowadays he fled to the gym, to avoid the toxic atmosphere in their quarters and the constant pressure of that shadow that suffocated him. And through it all he couldn’t help but wonder-- did Hux dread this because this fear of his was so horrible that he was scared of facing it? Or was it because he was scared of being seen as lesser or weak because of it? Or was it the actual _sharing_ part that made him so nervous?

But he couldn’t take this a moment longer. He wanted to get this over with. Wanted to call the whole thing off just to go back to the way things used to be. Anything, just-- not this doomsday mood. It was driving him crazy.

Back in his usual clothes he strode towards Hux’ quarters. He wasn’t sure what to say, just that the topic needed being addressed. Still thinking about his words he almost ran right into Hux who just left his quarters, that tight-lipped expression from those last days still glued to his face.

“There you are. Good. Tomorrow morning, 0700, your shuttle. This-” Hux’ eyes darted along the corridor, which was empty. “I need to get this over with.” He looked up, his eyes as always searching his mask for a sign where to focus on. His next words were spoken so low Kylo barely got them at all. “Don’t wait for me tonight. I’ve got some urgent work to finish on the bridge.”

And then he was off. Leaving Kylo in the middle of the hallway with all the wind suddenly taken out of his sails.

He barely got any sleep that night.

Hux never came back to bed at all.

  


***

  


When he’d said ‘this has to end’ he’d meant it. So when the atmosphere in the shuttle turned just as gloomy and tense right after they started, it was only the knowledge that this would be over soon that stopped him from lashing out in desperate frustration. Instead he gave his best to ignore it. For now.

“So, where are we headed?”

“Sladovis.”

He believed he’d heard that name before somewhere, but wasn’t sure. A planet within the Unknown Region, but that’s all he did recall. Okay, maybe he needed to find another topic.

“You said this custom is derived from an ancient ritual. What kind of ritual was it?” He was truly curious, but mostly it was just another way to hopefully distract Hux.

There was a heavy sigh next to him, then Hux activated the autopilot and leaned back. He rubbed the bridge of his nose with his gloved fingers, clearly weary. “It originates in the early clan culture of Arkanis. The clans used it prior to dealings with foreign clans. Any kind of negotiations were preceded by this ritual. They thought to negotiate wisely you need to know your negotiation partner, to understand where he’s coming from and why he’s doing what he’s doing. The ritual forced both sides to show their character.”

“Nice idea, but not really practical. It leaves no possibility for quick actions. And of course you could always lie in the ritual,” he mused.

Hux shrugged. “There has to be a reason why the clan system died out and their rituals with them. Well, most of them.”

And for a while his little trick worked. Hux talked, not with his usual enthusiasm when he explained something, but at least he was distracted enough to talk instead of brood. It didn’t work for long, though. The closer they got to their destination, the more the nervous tension rose within the shuttle and soon he didn’t feel the wish to talk himself.

Hux’ biggest fear.

Part of him wondered what that might be. Being weak maybe? And what had that fear to do with this planet? But mostly he just wanted this to be over. He wanted the Hux from the snowball fight back.

They jumped out of hyperspace. For a moment Hux did nothing but stare at the system in front of them and the controls beneath his hands before he finally activated the sublight engine and steered them towards the third planet. Bluish green dominated most of the world, interspersed with flecks of gray and purple. They weren’t alone. Lots of other ships came and went, a clear sign of a big space port.

They slowed down.

“Kylo, I-- I need you to promise me something.”

He startled, the first words in over an hour both too loud and unexpected. And nervous. “Sure. What?”

“This-” Hux visibly gulped. “I’ve never told anyone about this and if I do this, if-- it’s the hardest part of all of this-- sharing _this_ \-- you won’t like what you’re going to hear and- I need you to promise me you won’t lose it! I- I can’t- I can’t do this _and_ deal with one of your outbursts. Not _here_.”

Now _that_ wasn’t alarming at all. Hux was stumbling again, twitchy and definitely afraid. And the mere fact that he felt it necessary to say anything like this scared Kylo. Of course he’ll hate whatever he’ll learn down there. Whatever could turn his beautiful, intimidating and strong Hux into _this_ _\--_ he _had_ to hate it. And somehow he suddenly wished they were back on the Finalizer, far away from all of this.

But this was Hux and Hux was determined to go through with this whole thing, so he’d go with him. Of course. But this time Hux _needed_ him, not just as a counterpart for the custom, not just as a listener, he _needed_ him to stay calm and Kylo really didn’t want to disappoint him. Didn’t want to put his lover in even more distress than he already was.

And even though he knew that this would be far from easy, the words left his lips anyway. “I promise!”

  


***

  


Hux flew them to a public hangar near the central parts of the capital. The city was bigger than expected and even from their quick fly over the difference between the central and outer parts were quite obvious. Pompous designs and big flashy building in the center, small, bedraggled buildings at the outskirts. A city like so many other in this galaxy: the rich ruled over a vast amount of poor people that they cared nothing about.

He followed Hux through the streets, which wasn’t an easy feat given the myriads of people. Most of them humans – did there even exist a native species? – but also all kinds of different species, like in every other place of the galaxy that thrived on commerce. The usual bustle of minds and emotions, the very life of it all thrumming in the Force. And yet there was an underlying aura of resignation, sometimes even a flicker of hopelessness or sadness nudging at his senses.

It didn’t take long to figure out. People who followed others, always a step behind, or drove the speeders of posh looking natives. Those carrying bags or conversing with droids or hurrying to open doors. People of all kinds of species. The only thing they had in common was a round symbol at the side of their necks. Dark red or black against skin, a design of entwined lines.

Slaves.

He balled his hands into fists. Places that condoned slavery always set him on edge. He couldn’t even tell if it came from all the teachings of his mother about morals and rights that were still there somewhere in his mind or if it issued from the knowledge he’d gained about his roots after he dug deeper. The knowledge that his grandfather had been born into slavery and bought off by some Jedi as if he’d been a nice souvenir to bring back home from a journey.

“This way.” Hux grabbed his elbow and pulled him in the direction of a hotel. The reception area was pretentious, at least if you let it blind you. The metals were dull, carpets time-worn and decorations old.

Hux got them a room with his usual air of authority and superior attitude that fitted this place. Similar to new young recruits on the Finalizer the personnel went out of their way to accommodate his wishes since his tone alone was a sign that he was someone important that one better not crossed. That or it was his uniform, although so far no one had shown any interest in it apart from a few cursory glances.

They went upstairs and into their room – same here, everything a bit worn, but played for fanciness all the same. Ugly as hell and the smell of some fruity flavored air freshener too prominent, but at least it was clean. Hux shut and locked the door, pulled a small device out of the pockets of his pants – a scamming device in case of hidden bugs or cameras – and activated it.

And with that action his false bravado started to crumble. His shoulders sagged and he licked his lips as he looked around the room as if unsure what to do next.

“This’ll do,” he said, running a hand through his hair, something he never did deliberately after styling it. “It’s not right, but- no, we can’t risk going to a guesthouse in the outskirts. It’s too risky to let one’s guard down there.”

Kylo wasn’t even sure if Hux spoke to him or to himself. “So this is not _the_ place.” Hux turned to look at him and shook his head. “This hotel is a stand-in for this whole city.” His gaze flickered off again to the windows and the busy bustling outside. Just when Kylo thought about saying something Hux grabbed the curtains and pulled them close, the motion so sudden and sharp the fabric protested with a desperate sound.

Apart from that Hux didn’t move. He still just stood there, stiff and clearly uncomfortable, staring blindly at the curtains, fighting with himself. His hands were balled into fists and yet they still trembled slightly.

“You don’t have to do this.”

It’s out before he could even think about it. But it needed saying. And it’s almost too painful to see his lover like this, so-- _afraid_.

Hux said nothing, just turned and looked at him, begging him with his eyes. He shook his head.

The message was clear, even though he didn’t like it: _don’t stop me_.

But that second part of the message was just as clear, at least to Kylo: _help me_.

And that he would.

With slow movements he opened the broad belt that held his cloak together and put it on a chair in the corner, together with his cloak itself. The dark, ominous cloud behind the wall in his lover’s mind cast shadows across the atmosphere in the room, just as heavy and unpleasant as the air freshener’s smell. He pulled his boots off, then he climbed onto the bed and sat back against the headrest.

He patted the space next to him. At any other moment and in any other situation he would feel ridiculous doing this, but not right now. He smiled invitingly, even though he didn’t feel like smiling at all, and gave a small nod of his head. “Come here.”

Hux’ lips twitched into a tiny, grateful smile, but only for a second, then it was gone again. Still tense all over he stepped towards the bed, slowly, every step measured. He sat down at the edge and pulled his boots off. When he crawled onto the big mattress to sit right next to him his face was carefully blank. Just his eyes betrayed his nervousness. His unease. And his disgust at his own reaction.

Kylo reached over, closed his arm around his lover who was stiff with tension and pulled him close. Hux rarely allowed such open displays of protectiveness, but this time he gave in easily and leaned against him, tense. And trembling softly. Kylo could feel it now that he held him close. And suddenly it’s just like with that horrible nightmare back then: he’s not sure if he wanted to know at all what could cause a reaction like this in the strong-willed and proud man he knew.

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, that wasn't nice.  
> But hey, what's life without some unnecessary suspense? ;)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo learns what true helpnessless feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter:  
> \- threat of rape (the victim is still a teenager)  
> \- graphic depiction of violence

 

“Have you ever sat down and thought about what you feared the most? I mean, what really, actually terrifies you?” Hux’ voice sounded strange, void of emotion, but not the cold kind he usually displayed on the bridge of his ship. This sounded eerily flat.

The answer was simple. Yes, he had. During his training and again a few days ago during meditation since the topic wouldn’t let him go ever since that dreadful slip of paper. But that wasn’t what Hux needed to hear right now.

“No, not really.”

Hux huffed. “You suddenly realize that those things are hard to put into words. It’s not just heights or critters or the dark. It’s concepts mostly and-” He hesitated, took a shaky breath. “It’s being at someone else’s mercy. I can’t-- being utterly helpless to- to change one’s own situation, it’s--” His voice broke and his stuttering found an end as he clicked his teeth together with finality. And frustration. Kylo didn’t hesitate and held his trembling body a bit tighter.

That didn’t come completely unexpected and it explained Hux’ need to be in control all the time. And Kylo could sympathize. It hadn’t been often that he’d felt like that and it’s certainly not a nice feeling, but so far his own experiences had shown him that most of the time one is never _truly_ helpless and that one didn’t need to be in control to _not_ be at someone else’s mercy. Although unpleasant, those concepts didn’t held the same power over him as they clearly did over Hux. He didn’t know where this fear came from, but it also explained why Hux was so very reluctant to put his trust in people. To him this would possibly translate into ‘giving oneself up into someone else’s mercy’. To actively put oneself into a vulnerable position.

And yet that was exactly what this whole Cennadan Fae custom was all about: putting one’s innermost secrets and thoughts out there at someone else’s mercy.

He gulped. He finally began to understand how hard this _really_ was for Hux. All of this. But why – _why_ – would he be so adamant about this then? Why feel the need to do it? To prove something? Some kind of shock treatment?

His musings got interrupted, though, as Hux continued, this time with an almost clinical detachment, as if he weren’t recounting parts of his own life but those of someone else.

“I was a cadet and sent to accompany Captain Ferndike on a mission to Sladovis to observe and learn in the field. Mostly in regard to the finesse of politics and the finer art of conversation and negotiation at court, meaning: lying through one’s teeth with a polite smile on your face and bargaining through a series of expertly veiled threats, because that was exactly what it came down to with the leading families here. But they had money and zersium ore in abundance, so the Order needed them as partners.

“Turned out Ferndike wasn’t as clever as he liked to believe. It was obvious that he was falling into a trap of theirs, a loophole in their conditions. I tried to get the captain’s attention to point it out to him, but he simply got angry at the interruption. I think I was fourteen and I knew speaking up would get me into trouble, but _not_ speaking up was getting the whole First Order into trouble. That and-- I thought if I prevented something big like this my father would maybe even be proud for once. So I spoke up, tried to reason with the captain and steer him away from making a big mistake without alerting the representatives of the ruling family.

“Well, it didn’t work out. The captain was furious that a kid butted in like that. And the representatives caught on and voiced their doubts on the intelligence of the First Order if it lets mere boys undermine the authority of their personnel and meddle with affairs far above their limited understanding. God, I hated that asshole.”

Kylo could imagine. Not being taken seriously, that was something he _could_ relate to. And it was still one of the easiest ways to rattle both their cages. Although their reactions usually tended to be polar opposites.

Nevertheless, that had been the first sentence since his story began that Hux had shown any emotion at.

And it had obviously been enough to form cracks in the detached shell he’d been hiding behind.

“They threw me out! Out of the whole damn building!” he huffed, still pissed, even two decades later.

Kylo couldn’t help the smile. And even though he knew that Hux couldn’t see him he still hid his smile between stiff red hair. He could practically see it right in front of him, the whole thing so typically Hux. A gangly teenager with red hair, tamed with products, pristine in a cadet’s uniform, pacing in front of big, important looking doors, face red, fists balled and _fuming_.

“I was pacing, cursing that idiot all the way to Mustafar when I felt a sudden pain at my neck. Next thing I knew I was waking up lying on the ground with my hands and feet bound and a blindfold over my eyes.”

The smile froze on his lips. It was as if that smile had been the only thing left fighting off the gloomy atmosphere of the room – this whole trip – but now with it gone the unease and dread engulfed him like a thick inescapable fog.

“I guess they saw the uniform and thought they could make easy money, blackmailing the First Order and betting their shirts on there being proud parents somewhere who want their son back. They made a holo of me, threatened me with bodily harm and demanded ransom. They sent it to the High Family as well as our ship in orbit. I wasn’t afraid. I was far too mad at myself for being so stupid and careless and I was sure that the Order would easily find the source of the signal and send a platoon of stormtroopers down to show them what happened to idiots who thought they could blackmail the First Order.”

Hux paused for a moment. Kylo could feel his chest expand as he took a steadying breath.

“Turned out the idiot was me. The deadline passed and no one answered their demands. No reaction. Nothing. It got them really pissed. They ripped the blindfold off in front of the holocamera and said that maybe they’d not given a good enough incentive. This time they didn’t just threaten, they used an energy prod. I- I’ve never felt a pain like that before. You just can’t escape it.”

Kylo ground his teeth.

_Breathe! Don’t interrupt! Let him get this off in his own pace! Just breathe. Breathe. You promised him. You promised!_

“I knew I needed to get out of there somehow. My feet were untied by then, but they never left me alone. I tried twice. I almost got to the window the second time. They-” Hux laughed, but it was an ugly sound. Brittle and bitter. “They weren’t amused and they made sure that I knew.”

A shiver ran through Hux’ body before he calmed down again. Not so the dark turmoil beneath his mental walls, though. If anything, that got even worse.

He wanted to press him even closer. To rub a hand along his arm, encouraging him, affirming that he wasn’t alone and not back there. Hux was so stiff in his embrace. It really unnerved him. But something stalled his hand, something he couldn’t name. He only knew he didn’t like that feeling.

“On the second day they got antsy.” Again Hux paused, took a shaky breath, only this time it did nothing to settle him. “They-- they taunted--” His voice broke and another shiver ran through his body. “They--” He tried again but his voice refused him.

Kylo couldn’t bear seeing his strong and powerful Hux like this. Couldn’t bear see the man he loved in so much fear and pain. He wanted to just take him in his arms and leave this whole fucking planet behind. Instead he leaned a bit closer, knowing full well that the only way out of this was by pressing on forward, and whispered softly: “You could show me if that makes it easier.”

For a moment it’s eerily quiet, then Hux moved, leaning his head back a bit, just enough so he could glance up at Kylo. There was pure horror in his eyes. Hux didn’t want him to _see_. Not. At. All. He tried talking again, tried voicing the next part of the story, but couldn’t get a word out. Frustrated and embarrassed he looked away. His teeth were clenched, the muscles at his temples working from the sheer force of it.

And then he heard it in his mind. Pressed. Quiet. Reluctant, but determined.

_Do it!_

It felt wrong like this, but it was the easiest way to get this over with quickly. He repositioned himself around Hux, stroked his hair back with the hand that was wrapped around his shoulder and pushed him gently until Hux’ face came to rest against his neck, their skin touching. He left his hand on his lover’s head, cupping the side of it as a parent would to soothe a child. The moment he nudged against Hux’ mind the mental wall crumbled as if that small act had been all it took to unhinge what remained of the ginger’s iron control. A wild storm roared all around him, tearing at him. Blinding him. It was familiar. The same horrible, overwhelming mix of terror and panic and pain that he’d felt back then when Hux’ had woken up screaming. And he knew without a doubt, that whatever he was about to learn had been the reason for that scream. And the dream.

Dimly he’s aware that Hux gave a single twitch in his embrace, gasping. Long fingers pressed against his chest, clawing at him, clutching his tunic like a life line.

He clenched his teeth and braced himself against the onslaught. And against the wish to flee, the instinct to protect himself from getting overwhelmed. Instead he pushed on, right through the storm, as gentle as he could. Being right in the middle of it, he noticed that there was more to it than it seemed from the outside. There was shame as well, barely visible from the outside where pain and panic reigned, but prominent and vicious on the inside of the storm.

And then he’s through, all of a sudden. And tumbled right into the memory itself, at the forefront of Hux’ mind for who knew how long.

The colors were vivid, everything was sharp and harsh. A shabby room, small, sparsely furnished with a greasy looking couch and a cabinet with a crooked door. Paint was coming off the walls in flakes and dust and dirt clung to every part of the floor that wasn’t regularly walked on. And it stank of stale alcohol and unwashed bodies. It was the room Hux had been held in, seen the way Hux had seen it.

Right now, reliving that memory, Kylo wasn’t _watching_ , not like an observer would, he _was_ Hux, was in his position, saw what he’d seen. Felt what he’d felt. And just like that the memory engulfed him, took him off and swept him away, wherever it may lead.

_His whole body was throbbing with dull pain, the remnants of spasming muscles, forced to contract to their very limits by the piercing fire of electricity. The left side of his face felt tender and there was the faint memory of the taste of blood in his mouth, which was far better than the disgusting taste of the gag – something he’d earned for trying to stir his captors up against each other. It had almost worked. Now he couldn’t even scream insults at them anymore. At least his arms were bound at his front now, but his shoulders still hurt from being pulled this way then that for over a day now. Hunger was gnawing at his stomach and he felt filthy without being able to wash up, let alone for simply being in this room, surrounded by these men._

_All three of them were in the room right now, towering above him, taunting him with the fact that so far no one had reacted to their demands. No one had come to pay for him to get him back. They jeered at him for being too insignificant and unimportant, that he was probably a terrible cadet and that they were glad to be rid of him. Their mocking turned more and more aggressive the more they blamed him for their failure to get any money out of this._

_He was furious. But the longer it went on the deeper their taunts cut into him. And his own doubts roared within him, ignited anew. Would nobody come for him? Had they decided that one lousy cadet wasn’t worth the effort? No matter how hard he tried to deny it, that thought frightened him._

“ _Maybe we should send the holo to your parents instead. Surely they would give anything to get their precious boy back, right?” said a twi’lek with light purple skin and creepy black eyes._

_He shot a dark glare back, which made Creepy Eyes laugh._

“ _Or maybe not, little shit that you are. They probably sit on that ship of yours up there and think ‘good riddance!’”_

_Those words hit far too close to home._

_Creepy Eyes laughed again and he knew that his face had given away something. “Oh deer. They really are up there, aren’t they?”_

_A broad, bald guy stepped closer, the dim light in the room reflecting off some metal teeth in his ugly smirk. And off the old fashioned, almost droid-like prosthetic that was his left hand. “Then we should send them a clearer message.” Suddenly there was a knife in his flesh-and-blood hand. “Let’s cut of his finger and send them that. Or his whole hand, for all I care. As long as I_ get some fuckin’ money out of this brat _.”_

_A thin guy with dirty blond hair put his hand on the knife and pushed it down again. There was a cruel glint in his iron blue eyes. “Why bother?” An ugly grin. “Look at him. That pale skin, that fiery hair- forget about the ransom. It’ll be a piece of cake making money out of this one. Just look at that mouth of his!”_

_His gaze jumped from one of them to the next. He didn’t like where this was going. Not one bit. He needed to think, to find a way out of this, but his body betrayed him. His heart was speeding up, his hands getting sweaty and the adrenaline, that started pumping through his veins made him twitchy and restless and_ didn’t let him think _._

_Creepy Eyes looked him over as if inspecting a piece of meat. Which was exactly what he was doing in the end. “He’s too skinny. Too defiant. We’ll never get a good price for him.”_

_Droid-Hand shrugged. “Some like them better when they’re struggling.” He smirked again and his teeth blinked. “I know I do.”_

_Creepy Eyes snorted. “Why am I not surprised?” He tapped a finger against his lips, all the while staring at him, something malicious glinting in those black orbs. Predatory. Lecherous. “I bet his ass is tight as hell.”_

_Droid-Hand’s lips pulled back again, leering, as he swirled the knife and put it back from wherever it had came from. “It would be irresponsible not to test the merchandise first. Right?”_

_All hope of thinking clearly was gone the moment both of them moved toward him. Even without their words, their intentions were written quite clearly on their faces. Panic gripped him and he scrambled back, just away, until he reached the corner._

“ _Wait!” It was Blondie._

“ _What for?”_

_A wicked grin. “He needs to learn his new status first.”_

_He had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but they all laughed and then Creepy Eyes and Droid-Hand were on him again. He kicked at them with all his might, jabbed his bound and balled hands into soft flesh. He threw his head back and butted it against Droid-Hand, hitting his chin. The bald man grunted, but didn’t let go. His vision was swimming for a moment, his head throbbing with the impact, but he never stopped fighting. Kicking. Hitting. Even scratching when nothing else worked._

_All to no avail. They overpowered him easily enough. He’s too thin, too weak to fight them off. Even with his hands at his disposal he wouldn’t have had a chance._

_They grabbed him, subdued him, held him in place, their hands wandering._

_He’s scared and disgusted, wanted them off of him, but he’d done everything he could. He was helpless, utterly helpless and alone. The Order wouldn’t come. His father certainly wouldn’t, couldn’t bother to waste money or resources on his useless runt. He knew what they would do to him. And it scared him. No, more than that: it terrified him._

_To his absolute horror he started crying._

_That’s when the door opened again and Blondie came back, a red glowing piece of metal on a long stick in his hand. A branding iron. And he knew the round symbol at its end: the sign of slaves._

_His heart stuttered to a halt before it burst into frantic impetuosity. He screamed, muffled by the gag, but in this very moment he learned a new and important lesson: he had never known true terror before in his life._

_It mobilized strength he didn’t know he even possessed. He struggled against the hold of his captors, wiggled and kicked and used his whole body to swing against them, to unbalance them. But every hand he dislodged was quickly grabbing at another part of him._

_He lost again._

_And tears were streaming down his face as he was manhandled against the back of the couch, his body bent over the backrest, pushed down by a cold prosthetic hand against his shoulder. Their bodies were too close, parts of them rubbing against his ass that he didn’t want to think about. And he couldn’t do anything about it. Couldn’t even beg, not with the gag in his mouth._

_Then they moved and another body pressed against his, even closer. He could feel the hardness against his ass as someone leaned over him, covering his whole backside with their body. Something was glowing to his right and another feeble sob soaked his gag. A hand closed around his jaw, the grip bruising, and pushed his head to the right, far enough that he could see Blondie out of the corner of his eyes. But his gaze fell instantly back onto the glowing metal that hovered far too close. The heat taunted his face with the promise of an even greater horror._

_An index finger moved, stroked across his trembling lips and Blondie spoke in a soothing tone, the ultimate mockery: “No need to cry, boy. It’s for the best to know your place.” The finger never stopped caressing his lips and Blondie leaned closer, his rough beard scratching against his cheek. “I bet that mouth will look amazing around my cock!”_

_The hand let him go all of a sudden, only to hook into the waistband of his pants. There was a sharp yank and hands held his shoulders down and the glowing metal was gone. He couldn’t see it anymore._ He couldn’t see it anymore _. And his panic spiked even higher. His lungs were too tight, he couldn’t breathe. The gag was suffocating and he couldn’t see, couldn’t move and the hand was still yanking at his pants. They were tighter on his slim hips and the material sturdier than Blondie had expected, he couldn’t get them over his ass, just halfway down._

 _But before he had the chance to feel any kind of hope – or truly realize that they wanted to brand the symbol of a slave on his_ ass _– someone pulled his shirt up and…_

_Heat._

_Then pain exploded. Burned through his flesh. Seared through his very being._

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't been nice to Hux in this one. And it still gets worse before it can get better, so, be warned!  
> I hope you don't hate me already... *bites nails* ;)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keeping his promise of staying calm is far from easy after what Hux had just shared with him.  
> And then it gets even worse...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This probably needs a warning for emotional abuse.

 

Kylo was kicked out of Hux’ mind by the sheer amount of pain. His head smacked against the wall, but it didn’t even register. Not with the memory of _that_ kind of agony. Not with the earth shattering scream still ringing in his mind.

He’s shaking. And gasping for breath.

Something was moving, struggling against him, pushing his arms away and only when he felt the loss of contact did he realize where he was again. Where and with whom. And why.

Hux scrambled to his feet, one hand in front of his mouth as he hurried through the room, slipping on socked feet. The second he reached the fresher he practically collapsed in front of the toilet and vomited.

Kylo couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, _couldn’t think_. He’s frozen in horror, unable to shake the pain, the panic, the utter helplessness that kept him paralyzed. His mind was all over the place, jumping from one thing to the next, from big things to small things, without order, without significance.

The flashing of metal teeth.

Hux’ inability to speak. _Do it!_

Hands roaming his body.

The smell of unwashed bodies.

Some like them better when they’re struggling.

The feeling of tears on his face.

The indescribable pain, so very very low on his back it was almost on his ass. Almost.

_The scar! The scar on his back! Oh my God, that’s why!_

And his horror turned to rage. His blood boiling all of a sudden, burning away the paralysis, filling each and every limb with the need to move, to squash, to slash, _to kill_. He’d make them pay. A hundred times over! He’d bring them close to death again and again, breaking their minds apart while maiming their bodies while he made sure that they’d feel every single second of it. He would repay that pain they brought on _his_ Hux!!!

_Breathe!_

_BREATHE!!!_

He shook his head. Blinked. There was something nagging at his mind, breaking through the fury and scratching.

_BREATHE!_

_You promised. You promised._

_JUST BREATHE!_

As soon as the ringing in his ears died down he heard the sound of desperate dry heaving.

_HUX!!!_

He’s up in an instant, his legs unusually unsteady as he hurried to the fresher.

Hux was a mess. Deathly pale and shaking, clutching at the toilet to keep himself upright. His harsh breaths rasped loudly in the small room as he tried to fight off another gagging spell. The acrid smell of bile hung in the air, just as thick and penetrating as the embarrassment that came off of Hux in waves. He was utterly unguarded right now, his mind completely open and vulnerable.

And void of anything but shame and disgust.

Kylo knelt down next to him and put a hand on his back. Hux flinched away. The spike of fear was purely instinctual, but it still hurt. He pulled his hand back and got up again. He flushed, to get rid of the source of the smell, and searched the room for a glass that he then filled with water and gave to Hux. While Hux rinsed his mouth, Kylo reached a hand out towards the room to summon his cloak, but his mind was far too rattled to concentrate properly to use the Force in a controlled and specific way. So he got up and fetched it the old-fashioned way.

Kneeling down again he licked his lips, suddenly uncertain what to do. This was way out of his comfort zone. Well, this was probably well out of anyone’s comfort zone. Then the images and feelings from that memory flashed through his mind again and…

_BREATHE!_

He swallowed.

“Hux.” His voice was low, he didn’t want to startle him again. “You’re shaking. Can I-” He lifted the cloak a bit and Hux stared at him out of tired, uncomprehending eyes, before he finally nodded. Kylo draped the dark material around Hux’ shaking form, careful not to touch him. Trembling hands sneaked up and grabbed the lapels, then he shifted and sagged against the wall. His face was glistening with sweat and he looked utterly exhausted. He pulled the cloak closer around his frame and buried his nose into it, inhaling deeply, his eyes closed.

_BREATHE!_

The urge to apologize was overwhelming, to tell him that he was sorry, for what happened to him, for being the reason he’d dragged all that up again. But Kylo knew that Hux wouldn’t want that. He hated any kind of pity – or anything that he saw as pity anyway. So instead he sat down as well and leaned against the wall next to Hux, every motion slow and deliberate. When he’s finished he sat close but not close enough to be threatening.

The memory of hands roaming his body came unbidden. Of fingers on his lips, of clothed erections pressing against his ass and thighs.

_BREATHE!_

No, he wouldn’t touch Hux unless he wanted to.

He caught Hux’ gaze as soon as he opened his eyes again and slowly raised his arm. It’s not threatening, just an invitation. He smiled when Hux didn’t hesitate, but slid over and molded himself against Kylo’s chest, safe in his embrace.

Hux nudged his head closer and inhaled his scent. He liked that scent, it was clearly there on the surface of his thoughts. It calmed him, made him feel safe and more like himself again. Kylo almost smiled at that, if said calm hadn’t shattered that exact moment as the word ‘pathetic’ began flying through his lover’s mind. From one moment to the next Hux was miserable again and deeply ashamed.

_BREATHE!_

_There is no shame in seeking comfort. There is no reason to be ashamed at all. You were just a child. You couldn’t do anything…_

He wanted to say all of that, but the words died on his tongue. That was exactly the problem: he hadn’t been able to do anything about it.

But it hadn’t been his fault. Nothing of this should have happened. Force, he just wanted to make him forget, to erase it all, every horrible thing he’d just seen. Every horrible thing that had ever happened to him. But he couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t.

_BREATHE!_

And certainly he didn’t want to stir it up again. Ever.

But he needed to know. He just- he _needed_ to know!

“Did-- did they--” His throat closed up, his voice barely more than a croak. He couldn’t bring himself to say it. Couldn’t even bear to _think_ about it. What these men had planned to do to his Hux--

_BREATHE!!!_

The red hair against him was moving slightly, Hux’ face rubbing minutely against his chest, but he couldn’t tell if it was a shake or a nod and his pulse jumped up a notch, suddenly horribly afraid of the answer.

Before the toneless reply reached his ears he could see it in Hux’ mind as well: no.

His relief was so palpable, so all-consuming, he nearly cried. He sagged a bit, releasing a whoosh of air through his nose that was far too loud in the quiet and his hands closed instinctively a bit tighter around Hux’ cloak-wrapped body.

They didn’t do the unspeakable.

And another memory popped up out of the blue, one of his own. Hux in front of him with that sexy translucent underwear from the calendar, kneeling before him with that strange slave-play notion, submissive and afraid. He gasped in shock. All of this here explained just about _everything_. The unease and fear, the misery and the betrayal he’d felt from Hux that day even before anything had truly started.

Kylo felt sick. He should’ve realized it sooner. Should’ve stopped it sooner. Should’ve asked. Should’ve…

_Did he really think I would’ve liked the idea of him as a pleasure slave? Why?_

_BREATHE!_

_BREATHE!!!_

His stomach churned. But he tried to calm himself down, to quell the roaring rage in his blood and the disgust and shock that tried to make him gag. This was about Hux! _He_ was important here and right now he was still leaning limply against him, his mind a mess of emotions, although shame still overruled everything else.

Shame and humiliation.

Kylo could understand the fear and panic and the need for being in control, after _that_ it all made perfect sense, but why was Hux so ashamed? Because Kylo had seen this now? Doesn’t his stupid little ginger still not know him better than that? That he would never see him as weak because of this?

If anything his respect and admiration had grown for his strength in overcoming this.

So why???

_BREATHE!_

He leaned his head down a bit until his lips touched his lover’s brow, right at his hairline. “If you want us to leave, just say the word.”

A strange, watery laugh sounded from his chest. “That- that wasn’t all of it.”

And Kylo forgot how to breathe. How could this not be all? How could there possibly be _more_???

_No, please! I don’t want…_

“I was- I was in agony and they started arguing who-” Hux took a deep breath, then went on. He sounded eerily calm now, impassive, but it was all forced, Kylo could tell. “Who would be allowed to have me first. Then there was a loud noise and stomping and shouting, something exploded and a small group of soldiers was storming the room all of a sudden. Together with my father.”

So his father had come after all. If only too late. Or just in time to prevent worse.

Kylo could feel Hux’ resolve crumbling under a renewed surge of shame, coupled with anger. He shook his head, clearly frustrated with himself. “I can’t- not this. Can- can you just look at it?”

He really didn’t want to.

“Of course.”

He steadied himself, took a deep breath and closed his eyes, his lips still against Hux’ brow. This time he sank into his lover’s mind with ease, the memory already waiting for him. For a short moment he wondered if Hux would’ve still asked this of him if he knew that he didn’t just _see_ the memory, but _feel_ it? No, he wouldn’t. Never. And that’s why he could never know, it would only hurt him further.

_Kylo was back again. In that room. Only now he was on the floor behind the couch, writhing and crying in pain. The waistband had slipped back up. He couldn’t tell if the fabric against the wound made it worse or if it was just as excruciating without. It just hurt so damn much and he didn’t dare touch anything even close to that area, not that he could with his hands still bound._

_He could barely see anything around him. Everything was blurry and distorted as the tears kept coming and coming. But he’d heard the shouts, had seen the shapes of bodies drop and they didn’t move after that. His attackers were dead, he was sure of it._

“ _Oh for crying out loud, stop that pathetic wailing already! And get up!” He knew that voice immediately and without a doubt and it made no sense at all that his father_ _out of all people_ _would be here all_ _of a sudden. But he was. And his tone spoke volumes. He was annoyed. And very, very displeased._

 _He tried to stop. He really did. But his whole middle was raw and on fire and it_ hurt so much _. Still, he bit down on the disgusting gag. At least it muffled his cries. Turned them into occasional hiccups instead._

“ _I said:_ get up _! And pull it together already, this is embarrassing!”_

_And then a hand closed hard around his upper arm and pulled him up with force. At the barest movement he screamed. His legs buckled. The hand pulled, shook him, that dark voice was hissing something, but it didn’t register. Nothing did, but the searing pain. And then the pull was gone and he flopped to the ground again, crying, twitching, contorting. But nothing brought him any kind of relief._

_His father shouted something, more stomping, then it was quiet, the soldiers gone and when he finally managed to blink his eyes open again his father was kneeling next to him, a medkit at the ready besides him. His gag got ripped off and his shirt was pulled up. His father’s gloved fingers trailed across his skin, swiftly checking his back over, his touch neither gentle nor caring. The moment their pressure got too close to his waistband he cried out and flinched away, but those hands grabbed him and held him in place. And then they simply tugged his pants down as far as they would go. The fabric, sticking to the wound, pulled away and for a moment the world became dim around him and even his scream got stuck in his throat as his lungs just forgot how to breathe anymore._

_He was being moved. This way than that, the touches quick and efficient and angry. Something tugged at his hands. He barely noticed anything but the roaring pain and his spasming chest. When the movements finally stopped and he managed to gasp again, his pants were open and down below his ass._

_His father’s face was suddenly right in front of him, pissed and disappointed, but he couldn’t stop the whimpering this time. Or the tears. He just wanted the pain to stop._ Please _!_

“ _That’s what you get, when you don’t do as you’re told, Armitage! Maybe this’ll teach you!”_

Please! I’m sorry! Please!

_The only thing that came out was a pathetic sob, though. He saw his father rummage through the medkit, saw something that looked like a bacta patch and then it connected with his wound and he startled and his whole body tensed. His hands reached instinctively towards the pain – they’re free again – but they got batted away. It took him a moment until the soothing cold registered. Sobs wrecked him for real this time, too great even that small relief, and he went completely limp._

“ _The sign of a slave. Really? One might think that’s something to fight tooth and nail to avoid. But not you, of course. Disobeying orders, letting yourself get kidnapped and marked. And crying like a little girl. That’s low, even by your standards.”_

 _His father was back in his face again, the disdain from his voice even clearer in his face. “Enjoy that patch as long as it lasts. It’ll be the only one you’ll see. You deserve that scar! As a reminder for what happens when you disobey your orders. And Armitage. Never,_ never _, shame me like this again!”_

Kylo pulled back abruptly. He couldn’t take any more.

That BASTARD!!!

_BREATHE!!!!_

_BREATHE!!!_

SICK, TWISTED, COLD-HEARTED BASTARD!!!

_BREATHE!!!_

How could anyone do this to a kid? Let alone one’s _own son_???

_BREATHE!!!_

This was a whole new level of cruelty. The words alone. But refusing him proper treatment? Not even offering a painkiller?

_BREATHE!!!_

His hand grabbed Hux tighter, tugged him even closer. Only this time it wasn’t so much for Hux’ sake, but for his own. To reassure himself that the ginger was still there. Still okay. The sudden need to protect was overwhelming. There was no palpable threat, nothing he _could do_ and yet every cell in his body screamed at him to do something and protect the man he loved.

The shame was still there, radiating off of Hux, but his anger gathered more and more strength.

Kylo could only imagine the horrible shame of growing into manhood with _that_ mark on your body. On a teenager, proud and yet so full of self-doubt, trying to understand himself and his place in the world. Discovering the pleasure of intimacy. All of that overshadowed by that horrible stain. The humiliation on the communal showers. The mocking. The even greater humiliation at first experiences with sex. No, Hux would’ve found a way to hide it. To keep his pride intact. And yet he would’ve known the whole time. Would’ve feared discovery the whole time.

_BREATHE!!!_

But it was gone now. The slave mark. Only a relatively plain scar remained.

His brain was sluggish, too overwhelmed by everything, and yet still jumping frantically from one thought to the next. Too fast and too slow all in once. It was unnerving and irritating. And yet he managed to put the pieces together anyway.

“You got rid of it as soon as he died.” It’s a statement not a question.

His fingers twitched as he remembered that Brendol Hux was dead. Died of some sudden illness. That bastard had gotten off way too easy.

_BREATHE!!!_

Hux nodded against him. “I cut the whole thing off myself. With a vibroblade.” He huffed a humorless laugh, but at least it didn’t sound as self-deprecating and scary as the last one. “I couldn’t go to the infirmary with _that_ now, could I? I put a bacta patch on it and grit my teeth against the pain, which was nothing against-- you know.” Somewhere along the line a bit of the old Hux had crept back into his voice and his mind. The steely determination that had accompanied that action. The loathing of his father and his pride that had led his hand as he’d cut that stain off of his own skin.

“It wouldn’t stop bleeding, though. No matter what I tried. I was getting a bit light-headed after a while. And desperate, to be honest. I- I wasn’t thinking straight. So stupid.” Hux bit the words out. The fire in his tone so much better than the flat, emotionless one from before, even if his anger was directed at himself. “Phasma found me. I’d been supposed to oversee a new group of kids for the trooper program and didn’t show. She-” Hux chuckled. A real one. Hearing the humor in it was odd and strangely inappropriate to their whole situation and yet it was the most precious sound Kylo had ever heard. “She was furious with my stupidity. Berated me for not asking for her help.”

The memory brought an aura of peace to Hux’ agitated mind. It soothed the hurts and eased the shame. Like a balm.

Kylo wished it would work on his own mind, too.

“She sent for a med droid and forced me to keep still while it worked on me. Afterwards she deleted the droid’s memory core. I should’ve thought of that sooner.”

He didn’t know Phasma well, but now he wished he would. He knew the tall woman and Hux shared a past, that Hux confided in her. Trusted her. Now he knew a tiny part of the why and he longed to know it all. That small snippet was enough, though, to open his eyes to a whole new appreciation for the confident head of the stormtroopers.

He was so very grateful to know that there had been at least someone in Hux’ life who’d looked out for him, if his own father--

_BREATHE!_

A friend whom he could trust.

“I would’ve liked to see that.”

Hux leaned back to look up at him, a confused frown on his face. And maybe a tad suspicious. “The droid working on me? Why?”

Kylo tried for a tiny smile. It felt strange, as if he hadn’t used those muscles in decades. “No, not that. Phasma telling you off. I just- no, I just can’t picture it.”

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I don't like Brendol... but I think I managed to bring that across ;)  
> I'm still amazed that Kylo was surprisingly compliant in staying calm, I would've expected him to fight me tooth and nail while writing this chapter... he didn't though and I'm quite happy for it. Hux definitely needed him to be his rock in this one.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo just can't comprehend what Hux had revealed about his past. Keeping his calm is killing him from the inside, but he'd promised.  
> He'd promised!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be warned again for more 'graphic depiction of violence' in this chapter.
> 
> I don't know what's going on right now, but my eyes really hurt for some days now and looking at a screen only makes it worse. So, in case it should take longer to upload the next chapter it's because I really can't stand looking at the screen. I'm trying to see a doctor these next days... (it's sooo annoying, no pc, no tv, no mobile, even reading a book hurts... argh...)   
> I just wanted to give you a heads up. And apologize in advance.

 

When they finally left a good while later Hux was composed again, every bit the strict looking general that had entered the hotel. But he was quiet on the flight back, distant and deep in thought.

Kylo was glad for it and hated it all the same. He longed for their easy banter or any kind of conversation. Anything to keep him distracted. And yet he knew he wouldn’t have been able to focus on it, his mind too fractured and agitated as it frantically tried to process everything he’d learned. It churned in him, boiled in him.

_BREATHE!_

By the time they finally touched down in the hangar of the Finalizer Hux eyed him with that strange, unreadable gaze. Kylo simply waited till Hux moved and then followed him to his quarters. It was late evening on the ship and they both started their usual routine before they went to bed.

He went through the motions on autopilot, found himself either staring at the mirror in the fresher and wondering how long he’d already been standing there or his mind took him back into Hux’ past, again and again, playing the whole horror show on repeat, but not in order. It was all flashes, out of context, some melting into the other, distorting the already horrible memories into something even more grotesque.

When he left the fresher Hux was looking at him again, that tiny frown on his face, as if he’d said his name before and hadn’t gotten an answer. Maybe he had?

“Sleep?” It’s all that came over his lips. It sounded feeble.

Hux nodded. “It was a long day.” Something about his voice was off, but he couldn’t put a finger on it. Couldn’t concentrate enough.

 _Of course something’s off. He showed you_ that _! He has every right to be a bit-- off._

They climbed into bed, Hux close against him. He held his lover tight and watched him – in the very dim lighting that he just couldn’t bring himself to shut off – fall into an exhausted sleep. He’d seemed calmer now than before, but he wasn’t sure, couldn’t really tell. His own mind in too much turmoil to focus on Hux’ mind as well.

He watched, tried to breathe in the same rhythm as the sleeping redhead in his arms. And shook his head.

_BREATHE!_

Carefully he extricated himself from underneath Hux and the blanket, put his clothes back on and with one last lingering look on the sleeping form of his lover he left.

His feet carried him on, he did not know where. His very blood was thrumming with the need to move, to leave. To _do something_. Restless energy gnawed at him, frayed his nerves, bristled in the very air around him. His hands twitched, stretched, balled to fists. A group of patrolling stormtroopers marched around a corner, saw him, stopped and quickly hurried out of his way.

He had no idea how long he’d been prowling the corridors of the ship before he found himself in an empty cell block. No idea how he’d gotten there. He only knew that he needed to go on and that he needed to do it _now_.So he did, stepped into an empty cell at random and locked the door behind him with his security code.

Energy crackled in the air, hot and ominous.

He couldn’t hold it in a moment longer.

It all burst out of him, the explosive mix of boiling rage and frustration and hatred and paralyzing helplessness, all at once, just broke free in a terrible, inhuman scream. Metal was groaning. Something above him burst and a shower of glowing sparks reigned down on him. Eerie red light filled the room with flickering shadows, a crackling hum was in the air and his lightsaber in his hands all of a sudden.

He didn’t think at all. He just slashed at anything in his vicinity.

Seeing only their faces in his mind. The dark and creepy eyes of the purple-skinned twi’lek; the flashing metal teeth within the bald guys smirk; the cruel glint in the eyes of Blondie. And above all else: the pretentious, disappointed visage of Brendol Hux.

Hux’ screams and sobs echoed through his mind again. And he saw red. Absolutely and utterly red.

In his mind, he was towering above them, was drawing on every last ounce of that horrible fear and crippling helplessness that Hux had felt, ready to make them feel the same. And worse. He imagined closing the Force around their necks, imagined squeezing and feasting on the fear in their eyes, on the sounds of their choking. He imagined holding them immobile while burning out the twi’leks creepy eyes with the crossguard of his lightsaber, careful to not kill him in the process. Not yet. He imagined moving Droid-Hand into position, legs spread wide, imagined the panic in his eyes as he brought his lightsaber closer and closer and closer until it slowly, very slowly burned itself right into that motherfucker’s junk. He imagined pushing Blondie onto the ground and ripping his pants down. Imagined him whimpering through his gag as he placed the hilt of his saber at his entrance, playing with his fear a little bit longer. Imagined the satisfaction at the shriek and following last gasp before the body went completely limp after igniting his lightsaber right into his entrails.

_For Hux!_

He’s dimly aware that the violent roars around him had turned into hoarse panting. His shoulders ached from the strain of too much tension and his hand was burning from the continued closeness to the heat of his weapon.

None of that meant anything to him.

Because within his mind, between the ugly sobbing and the screaming and the pathetic wriggling creatures on the ground, there’s still one man left standing. The one he loathed with every single fiber of his being: Brendol Hux! Even in his own mind the man had the audacity to look smug. For now.

It’s the shame that fueled him now. Hux’ shame and humiliation that his father should’ve ease instead of nurtured. And he would make him pay for that. Again and again.

In his mind Brendol’s grin finally fled his broad and bearded face as he felt himself immobilized by the Force. He imagined stripping the man naked, taking his pride away in form of his uniform. He imagined taunting him, mocking his flabby belly, his tiny balls. Imagined marking his pale skin with burns, writing the man’s sins into his very flesh with the tip of his lightsaber. Weak. Pathetic. Cruel. Monster. Over and over until Brendol was crying and writhing in pain, snot and spit dribbling into his beard as he begged for mercy like the coward that he was. He imagined choking him. Imagined cutting him up into tiny little pieces. Imagined cracking every single bone in his body at once by crushing him with the Force.

_For Hux!_

“Kylo?”

He whirled around. Lightsaber crackling, hand raised, ready to slash, to choke, to kill.

It’s Hux in the doorway. Tall, slim frame. Red hair.

It’s Hux!

Startled he took a step back, paused, his gaze glued onto the man in front of him, unable to put his presence into any context at all. His breaths rasped through his throat, painful and loud and his chest was heaving worse than after a heavy training session. The rage was still churning through his guts, still too hot in his blood, and yet the heated energy, the restless thrumming was gone, leaving him untethered. And unhinged.

“Kylo?”

His focus snapped back to the man in the doorway, the fuzzy image of a man. Still, it was Hux. No doubt.

“How did you find me?” He sounded dumbfounded, even to his own ears. And so very, very hoarse that it hurt just as much to hear than to speak.

“It wasn’t exactly hard.”

“You should be sleeping.”

It’s surreal. All of this. His mind just couldn’t take any more, it stopped working properly a while ago. It was all too much. He couldn’t look at Hux anymore, let his eyes drift away instead. And noticed the state of the room for the first time.

It was completely trashed. The smell of burning metal and insulation filled the air. Deep gorges were carved into the walls, edges still smoldering, cables tumbling out of the walls, some kind of liquid leaking out of another. Sparks were still raining down from the ceiling and something crunched beneath his boots.

He simply blinked at it all. And panted. He looked up again, helpless and confused in a way he couldn’t explain.

“You should be sleeping,” he said again, without knowing why.

“You were screaming for me. In my head.”

_What? No! Nonononono!_

Those words were like a wake-up call. Dowsing him in icy water. Had he projected--? Without knowing? But- no, he never wanted--

Then Hux was suddenly right in front of him – when had _that_ happened? – far too close, but totally unafraid of him as always. He’s in his uniform, but his hair was loose. Hux put a hand on his arm, his gaze never leaving his. The hand trailed down, over his burning hand and along the hilt of his lightsaber. A soft click and the red blade deactivated, the quiet after the constant crackling was deafening. Hux pulled the weapon free of his grasp and let it tumble to the floor.

Hux’ hands were cupping his face now. Just his hands, no gloves. And his thumbs were brushing across his cheeks. A touch so soft, he could barely comprehend it with all the pain and rage and hatred filling his mind. It was confusing. And strange. Slippery. Like the touches they shared in the shower, when his face was wet with--

A flash of clarity hit him.

He was crying.

And from one heartbeat to the next all that fire and rage just evaporated, turned into smoke that his body couldn’t hold in anymore. The one thing that had kept him going, suddenly gone. His legs buckled. There was nothing protecting him anymore from the sorrow and the horrible weight of failure. Hux’ hands were on his shoulders, guiding his fall, never letting him go.

_How can you even stand being in the same room as me???_

Everything hurt, inside and out, sore from _too much_. Raw.

The warm hands were still there. One at his shoulder, one gently cupping his cheek. He blinked and Hux was right there, kneeling on the floor in front of him and it’s too much. More tears spilled from his eyes, he couldn’t keep them in, couldn’t make them stop. They just broke free in violent sobs – _pathetic_ – that shook his whole body.

“I’m sorry!”

He’d promised to keep it together. To _not_ react with his usual way of dealing with unwelcome emotions. He’d promised to not snap, to not be a burden to Hux when he needed strength and someone to rely on. He’d promised and where was he now?

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

_Yes, there is! There is!_

Hux had relived his own personal hell for him. He shouldn’t be the one kneeling amidst chaos and destruction, comforting _him_.

“I promised you-” He could barely make his voice work. How was he supposed to make Hux understand?

“Yes, you did.” The hand on his cheek stroked down until it was underneath his chin, where it guided his head up with gentle pressure until they were level, but he kept his gaze on the ground. “And you kept your promise, Kylo! I don’t know how, but you kept it together this whole time and you were there for me on that planet. You let me set the rules, the pace, and you were _there_. Like you promised.”

_What?_

And he looked up, _had_ to look up at Hux. His sight was blurry. Irritated and embarrassed he wiped the back of his hand over his eyes, the motion quick and impatient. Hux was still there, just gazing back at him, so calm and relaxed it caught him totally off-guard. There was a small smile playing across the corners of Hux’ mouth, adding to that strange _something_ in his eyes. Fond and yet more, different-- was that pride?

Kylo didn’t understand.

“Would you’ve really done it?”

Kylo licked his lips, confused by the intensity of that gaze. It was almost uncomfortable, yet he just couldn’t look away.

“What? Would I’ve done what?” Nothing of this made sense. Or was it just him who couldn’t follow?

Hux was tightening his grip on Kylo’s hand – when had that happened? “Killing them.” And after a short pause. “Killing my father.”

Kylo just blinked. “You’ve seen that, too?”

Hux nodded.

Great! He must’ve projected far more than expected. Far more than he’d ever wanted to share. Through half the ship. And completely involuntarily. By accident. Something like that shouldn’t happen. That was unacceptable.

But Hux grinned, that devilish little grin. The dangerous one. And it still was, yet it also seemed strangely fond. “You’ve got a dark and twisted mind! But-” Hux sobered up in an instant. “As much as I enjoyed your show of raw brutality-- I- I never wanted you to hurt like this! I’m sorry, Kylo, I-”

“No! Don’t apologize!” He couldn’t comprehend much at the moment, but _this_ he could. “Never! Not for this! Not for sharing a part of you. And _certainly_ not for those sons of bitches!”

Hux only stared back at him, his mouth slightly ajar, as if he were seeing him for the first time. His eyes roaming over his whole face, as if there was something new there. New and fascinating. It made him uncomfortable and he had to drop his gaze, suddenly overly aware of his puffy eyes and the stiffness of drying tears on his cheeks. The thumb at his chin gently nudged him.

_Please look at me!_

The words hung in the air. Unspoken and yet so very compelling.

There was wonder in the ginger’s eyes. Something so very astounded and new and warm and afraid. Kylo had never seen it before, had never felt that mix of awe and serenity from the other.

“All of this,” Hux’ gaze flickered to the side for a second, indicating everything around them, “for me _._ My whole life no one has ever cared-- not like this. _Never_ like this. And you just--”

Kylo raised his hand and closed it around the arm that held his chin, not to pull it away, just to grab onto something of Hux. “Then they were all idiots and didn’t deserve you!”

Hux leaned forward and captured his lips with his own. It was a gentle kiss, almost careful, as if he was afraid Kylo would run away or vanish into thin air any moment. And it was so full of this strange new intensity that it took Kylo’s breath away. He’s breathing heavily when they parted. But Hux stayed close, bringing their foreheads together. It’s intimate, sharing the same air, feeling the other’s breaths ghost over their lips.

It took him a while until he noticed the fumbling and the soft jerking movements. He frowned, but before he could try to make sense of it or even ask, Hux had grabbed his hand already and led it to his belly. His uniform was open, his belt unclasped. Without hesitation his hand was guided underneath it and to Hux’ side where he felt the familiar fabric of the standard issue undershirt. Only it was ruffled, pulled out of the waistband of his slacks. And his hand was pushed underneath where it touched bare skin. Warm and soft and he wanted more of it, if only to feel that this was really real. But even now he wasn’t allowed to let his fingers roam free, to take their fill of those soft planes. Hux steered his hand to his back and then downwards and suddenly Kylo understood.

“Hux?” _Are you sure?_

“There’s no reason to be ashamed. Not with you!”

And then his fingertips dipped beneath the waistband and nudged against the puckered edges of Hux’ scar. His breath hitched, ready to pull back at even the slightest sign of discomfort, but it never came. Hux just leaned against him, his eyes closed, breathing calmly. So he went on, slowly. Carefully. Trailing the edges of the scar. Dancing feather light across the inside. The skin is rougher there.

“There’s no reason to be ashamed,” Kylo repeated. “Period.”

He’s mapping it all, every inch of unfamiliar skin. Committing it to memory like he’d done with every other part of his lover’s body before. When he was done exploring he placed his flat hand over the whole scar, protecting it. Claiming it. A small shiver ran through Hux’ body.

“Thank you.”

Confused by that Kylo leaned back. “What for?”

Hux reached out and pulled a black strand of hair out of his face. “For letting me see-- in here.” And soft fingertips tapped against Kylo’s temple. “I’m sorry for hurting you, but- I don’t regret this, Kylo. I’m glad that you know now.”

“Me, too.”

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All that rage within Kylo just needed an outlet in some form. And since I couldn't let Kylo go on a killing spree since all culprits were already dead - which was probably even worse for Kylo - I had to find something else.  
> I really like how the softness between Hux and Kylo turned out in this one, when they talk at the end and when Hux opens up and lets him touch that scar. 
> 
> What do you think?


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo needs to get something off his chest.  
> Hux really knows his lover.  
> And Kylo shares something of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems my eyes are getting a little bit better. So, here's the next chapter.   
> Something mostly sweet this time after all that drama.

 

Hux had led him back to their quarters and, once they’d climbed into bed again, pulled him close against his chest. Which was right where Kylo still was, hours later, his head on Hux chest, his arm curled around his side, listening to his lover’s steady heartbeat.

Even drained as he’d been – and still was – he’d found no sleep that night. That burning energy inside him might be gone, burnt down to glowing embers that would be easy to reignite, but for now there were no combustible materials left. His mind was just raw and charred. And full of things to think about.

One of them in particular wouldn’t leave him alone. There was something about this whole custom-- he couldn’t put a finger on it, but he also couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it somehow.

_BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._

Even already awake the sudden blaring of Hux’ alarm startled him. His human pillow groaned and blindly threw an arm out to shut the thing off. The groan turned into a sigh. He could feel and hear the exact moment Hux was getting impatient about getting up, gently pushing against him.

“Kylo, I need to-”

“Mmh,” he mumbled his acknowledgement and snuggled a little bit closer against Hux. Just until he heard that familiar irritated huff, though. He kissed the next best part his lips would reach – somewhere on his chest – before he rolled over to let him get up. Hux was the kind of person who got up just as the alarm rang and jumped right into the next day, no matter how much sleep he’d actually gotten. It beat him how anyone could get up without at least ten minutes to accommodate to the feeling of being awake or to the thought of having to leave the coziness of one’s bed.

“Lights, twenty percent.”

“Urgh.” He groaned, bringing his arm up over his eyes, and tried to ignore the dull throbbing at his temples that would probably turn into a full blown headache later on.

Hux rummaged around for a moment, then his steps got closer again and a quick but sweet kiss was pressed against his lips. Kylo smiled. At least until his arm was pulled away from his face.

“Morning-- wow,” Kylo grimaced and blinked up at Hux, who hovered above him, cringing, “did you sleep at all?”

“Not really.”

For a moment he was sure that Hux would say something, but then he changed his mind and went about his usual morning routine, starting with a shower. Kylo gazed after him as he vanished into the fresher. With every step Hux went further away from him a strange urge to stop him arose in his chest.

He shook his head to get rid of it. It didn’t help, but it made his beginning headache worse. With a groan he grabbed Hux’ pillow and pressed it onto his face. The darkness felt good and the familiar smell of his lover soothed his agitated nerves a bit. He only took the pillow away again when he heard the fresher door opening.

The remnants of steam still billowed out as he looked up. Hux was in front of the mirror, just a towel around his hips, spreading delipatory cream onto the lower half of his face.

Kylo couldn’t tell which part of this absolutely routinely sight put him on edge, but _this wasn’t right_. He should _do_ something. And so he blurted out the first thought in his mind.

“I never thought this Arkanisian custom thing would be so-- personal.”

And he regretted not thinking his words through the second they left his mouth.

Hux startled visibly, then tensed. For a brief second their gazes met in the mirror, but Hux looked away again immediately, rinsing his hands very deliberately. “If you don’t want to continue- I understand--”

Kylo winced. Hux might try to hide how this hurt him, but Kylo heard it anyway. He knew him too well not to. He sat up quickly, desperate to get this right again.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just-- I guess I didn’t expect it to be like-- _this_. What you’ve shown me-- even thinking about some of those things hurts and-”

Hux shoulders sagged. By now he avoided looking into the mirror altogether. “This is not what you signed up for. I get it.”

Alarm bells started ringing in his head. He didn’t like this tone of voice. At all. He was out of the bed in an instant, ignoring the slight bout of vertigo that thankfully settled again after three steps. As soon as he reached Hux he turned him around and cupped the back of his head with both hands, so he wouldn’t be able to look away when he leaned down to capture those brilliant green eyes with his own.

“No! Never that! I signed up for this a long time ago, Hux. I want you! All of you. The good and the bad. I just never realized how much pain you keep hidden inside that clever head of yours.”

Hux huffed and dropped his gaze. The white cream on his face made him look even more miserable. “It’s pathetic, I know.”

“Stupid!” He claimed, with vehemence. He called for one of the other towels with the Force and soaked it in the sink. After wringing it out he turned back. “It’s sad and infuriating for I want to hurt someone for doing this to you.” He held out the towel for Hux. “You should probably get rid of the cream before it irritates your skin.”

A bit perplexed Hux grabbed it and started absentmindedly rubbing the depilatory off.

Kylo simply went on. “And it’s amazing. I’ve seen just a glimpse of it, but-- you not just survived, you proved all of those dickheads wrong. You proved _him_ wrong! I think you’re the strongest person I know, Tidge.”

Hux stopped mid-motion, towel halfway to his face to get the last remnants of cream. There’s a touch of red shining on his cheeks and it’s certainly not from irritated skin. His lips were twitching before they pulled into a soft little smile. “I like it when you say that.”

“That you’re strong?” Not the reaction he’d expected, but he could work with that. “I’ll tell you every day, if you want me to. Until you’ll finally believe me.”

Hux looked up, that beautiful little smile still firmly in place. “No. The other thing.”

_Huh?_

What other thing? What did he say? Confused, his mind went through everything again, until the scales finally fell from his eyes. “Tidge?” It had slipped out, without an actual thought behind it. He hadn’t even been aware that that nickname Hux’ mother had used for him had somehow gotten stuck in his subconscious.

Hux nodded. Although that hadn’t been necessary. The warmth and pleasure radiating from his lover gave it away anyway.

Kylo smiled. “I like it, too! Tidge...” He tested the name on his tongue, the feel of it, while he grabbed for that wet towel and rubbed the remnants of white cream off of his lover’s face. It sounded cute. Intimate. Like something that no one apart from himself would ever be allowed to use. But he got off the track here.

“What I meant is, that this whole thing is deeply personal and it feels wrong if you’re the only one opening up like that. You said it’s a custom for couples, yeah? Shouldn’t they share then? Both of them?”

Hux averted his eyes and sucked his lower lip into his mouth, something he’d never ever would do on the bridge. “Usually, yes.”

“Then why?”

“Because you’re an open book, Kylo. You let me in. You shared so much of yourself already. And I didn’t want you to feel as if you had to.”

Kylo rolled his eyes at that, intimately familiar with that kind of reasoning. “You’re an idiot!” _W_ _e both are_.

“Maybe.” Hux merely shrugged, before he put on his smug grin. “But this idiot knows at least half of the things you’d be sharing anyway.”

“Yeah?” Now that’s a pretty big claim, even for Hux, who was surprisingly good at reading people. A claim that Kylo couldn’t just let go. “Proof it!”

Hux grinned, thinking himself victorious already. Every bit of his confidence was obviously back where it belonged – and Kylo relished it. Hux pushed past him back into the bedroom. He followed him and leaned back against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest while he watched the ginger put on his uniform.

“Let’s see- fun. That one is easy. Flying a ship. And not just any kind of flying, I mean the crazy kind of flying that gets normal people killed. Going as fast as possible, executing maneuvers that go against any laws of physics be it within an atmosphere or in the midst of a space battle. Adrenaline running high, feeling all kinds of forces pulling at your body-- you love it.” Hux pointed his raised index finger at him. “And don’t you dare denying it!”

He wasn’t going to. “Alright,” he conceded, “I give you that. But that one was easy, indeed.”

Hux buttoned up his pants and slid into his uniform jacket in one fluid, graceful motion. While closing it and clipping his belt in place he went on, holding Kylo’s gaze. “Your biggest fear is that you’ll never get rid of the light. That you’ll always feel torn between the light and the dark, unable to reach your full potential.”

Kylo gulped. Every word of it was the truth. Although maybe there was another fear lately that had taken a hold of him and it might just be even more powerful than that one: the fear of losing Hux. Still, that didn’t make his lover’s assessment untrue.

“How did you know that?”

Hux sat down to get into his boots, but he looked up at the question. A knowing smile on his face. He never said a word, though, keeping his secrets to himself.

“Okay, point taken.” He had to admit that Hux knew him better than he’d thought – was he really that easy to read? He put on a triumphant grin. “What about my first memory then?”

Hux laughed, halfway into his second boot. “How would I know? I’m not a mind-reader. And I never said I know all your answers.”

Problem was, Kylo wasn’t so sure about that one himself. He absentmindedly watched Hux tame his hair while he sorted through his memories. There were a few that were a possibility, but after a bit of elimination he was pretty sure to have picked the earliest there was. It was nothing world changing like Hux’ first memory. And even if it put a bit of a strange taste in his mouth today, it was still undeniably a happy one.

“Well, it’s nothing special really, just-” A thought struck him. “Do you want to see it?”

Hux turned from his last inspection of his reflection in the mirror, frowning. “See?”

He stepped closer and raised his right hand towards his lover’s temple, not the whole way, just to indicate what he meant. “Yeah. See.” It was only fair to share something this way. After everything.

Hux hesitated. His eyes drifting towards the chronometer, then back to Kylo. Finally he nodded. “Yes. I’d love to see it.” A cheeky grin tugged at his lips. “I want to know how you looked as a kid.”

“Sorry, Tidge,” he grinned back, relishing the surge of delight at using that name again, “that’s not how this works.”

And with those words he touched his fingertips to his lover’s temple and pushed the memory, every clear mental image of it, from his own mind into Hux’ consciousness. This time on purpose instead of projecting involuntarily every one of his thoughts. It’s different with a memory opposed to current thoughts, but he hoped that the process was less intrusive through his active guidance this time.

_Blurry images of shelves and a wardrobe and toys and his bed full of stuffed animals flew past him as he raced through his room, his legs tugged securely underneath his father’s arms as he sat on his shoulders. His hands were held out wide like wings by the big and rough hands of his dad._

“ _And there they came. Four TIE fighters. And they’re shooting at us!”_

_He gasped, completely captivated by the story. As always._

“ _Suddenly there are two more star destroyers and they’re coming right at us. One behind, two in front and-”_

_He didn’t really get all of what his father was saying, just that there were bad guys and they were chasing him and his mom and Chewie and 3PO. He listened with the awed attention only a child could muster, hung onto every word, although he couldn’t comprehend them all, but his father was moving left and right and spinning around, dropping down to his knees while imitating his wild flight as he tried to outrun the bad guys._

_Little Ben squealed as his father shook him right as he said ‘boom’. He giggled when his father imitated a panicked 3PO and he whooped as he was twirled into a sudden spin after standing still for a while._

“ _All of a sudden I had a brilliant idea: I took the ship around in a biiiig spin and landed us right inside a cave on one of the bigger aste-”_

“ _Is_ this _your idea of a bedtime story?”_

_His father stopped abruptly and they both looked up. His mother stood in the open door, looking cross._

“ _How is he supposed to fall asleep with all this excitement, huh? And that story?_ Again _?”_

“ _I like it, mommy!”_

_And just like that his mother’s face lit up in a brilliant smile. She lifted him from his father’s shoulders and put him onto her hips, where he snuggled up to her immediately. “You do, huh?” She chuckled softly and stroked his hair back, before nudging her indexfinger against the tip of his nose. He wriggled his nose and giggled. “Your father, the crazy hero, who saves the day. Yeah, I can see why you like those stories. Who wouldn’t, hm? Just look at him, Peanut.” She turned a bit so they could both see his father standing there, watching them with a soft smile on his face. “All tall and strong and scruffy looking.”_

_His father gasped, opening his mouth in outrage – completely overdoing it._

“ _The perfect hero. But did he ever tell you, that instead of saving us by landing on that asteroid he actually flew us right into the belly of a giant space slug?”_

“ _Really?” he gasped, captivated and yet scared._

_His father shrugged and grinned. “Really, kiddo.” He stepped closer and ruffled Ben’s hair. “But I flew us away again before it could eat us alive. So, in the end, I still saved the day.” His father chuckled, then leaned down and kissed his forehead. “Your mother is right, though. Time for bed.”_

The image faded and Kylo pulled his hand and mind back from Hux, who blinked a few times to get his bearings back. Hux touched his forehead with his fingertips, the exact same spot memory-Han had kissed little Ben. Kylo doubted that his lover was even aware of the gesture.

“Is this how it’s supposed to be? Parents, I mean?”

“More or less, I guess. But Hux,” he made sure to have the other’s full attention, “don’t forget that they screwed up anyway, no matter how good they started.”

It was still churning, though, the tiny bit of insight into a happy childhood, right there underneath the surface. Right behind those green eyes. Kylo could see it. Could feel it. But Hux pulled himself together. Pushed his emotions aside and turned into the stern general, ready to start his day as if nothing had happened. He’d evaluate his emotional state at a later time, when his duties allowed for it.

Sometimes Kylo was envious of that ability.

“Thank you.” Hux kissed him goodbye and left. And came back again a moment later, that dreaded box in his hands. “I’m already late for my shift, so-”

He was painfully aware of the throbbing in his temples again all of a sudden. Something must have shown in his face, for Hux’ expression got a bit strained.

“It’s not all bad and the worst is over anyway. Promise.”

Still a bit reluctant he picked a white bag with little silver dots on it. Somehow it reminded him of his mother. He pulled the little paper out.

_Biggest regret._

He didn’t even know what to say to that, so instead he just looked at Hux, full of reproach. And questions.

Hux sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I should’ve picked the order myself. Well, lets look on the bright side. After that there’s only good stuff left.”

“Promise?” As much as he wanted to learn more about Hux, he could really do with something a little bit less-- heavy and depressing.

Hux put on his cap and grabbed his gloves, the ghost of fondness edged into his features. “Promise.”

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like the pet name Tidge. I don't know why, it just is. It's short and cute and something Hux would never ever allow anyone else to call him.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snoke is pissed and subtle threats are spoken.  
> Hux on the other hand has a really good day - and sees to it that Kylo's day gets better as well ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is not the only one with a little kink ;)

 

“I want results, not excuses!” Though low and not raised the slightest, Snoke’s voice managed to cut as sharp as a vibroblade. An impressive feat for a ten inch tall hologram. “The stirring in the Force gets stronger. It will happen soon. Your time is running out.”

Kylo gritted his teeth in frustration. “I’ve deployed my whole network. Followed every hint, no matter how insignificant and yet there is no trace of Skywalker or the map so far.”

He was just on his way back from yet another fruitless endeavor, when he’d called his master to report. One of his contacts had informed him of a group of resistance spies that had been arrested at one of their weapons factories. One of them was known to have been friends with Skywalker, a fellow pilot. Kylo had left everything behind at once to question the man, but no matter the methods he employed, the man hadn’t seen or heard from Skywalker since his disappearance and knew nothing about his whereabouts or a map. Another dead end.

“Then maybe you should give this task your _full_ attention instead of splitting your focus between it and your precious general.”

Something cold washed through his veins. There’s nothing he could say to his defense. He _had_ been distracted lately. He could’ve left the Finalizer to search and follow the trails himself, but he had chosen not to. Had chosen Hux and his custom as more important. Had trusted in the efficiency of his network and the will of the Force. Now, as every alarm bell rang in his mind and a strange dread made his nerves tingle, he regretted it.

“Do you know why I allow that silly amorous escapade between you two?” Snoke asked, spatting the words out as if they tasted rotten. “Because attachment such as that opens the heart to strong emotions, makes it susceptible to powerful passion. Pain, jealousy, anger, hatred. Fuel to power the darkness within you. Even now I can feel it within you. So much rage and loathing, wasted away on the general’s behalf. _Use it_! Let it fuel your search and _get me that map_!”

The hologram flickered, then it shut off.

Kylo was breathing heavily. The threat still ringing through his mind, hidden in plain sight right between the lines: _I allowed this relationship. I can end it if it_ _turns into a hindrance instead of an asset_ _._

He needed a new plan. He _needed_ to find that map no matter the costs. Probably he should simply turn around and roam the galaxy, trying to detect a hint of Skywalker’s presence in the Force. Or, since that traitor of an unc-- of a teacher had to be somewhere in that section of space that the part of the map they’d uncovered didn’t feature, maybe he should simply turn each and every planet in that area upside down one after the other. It couldn’t be that many, right?

Rubbing his hands over his face, he sighed. No matter urgently he needed to find a solution to his problem, storming off without thinking this through wasn’t a solution. And – thinly veiled threat or not – he _needed_ to see Hux.

The two days between their return from Sladovis and his sudden departure had been-- strained. Something had changed between them. They had both tried to act around the other as they always did, but Hux’ memories of his ordeal and of his father hovered unspoken between them. Not always, sometimes things had actually _been_ back to normal, only for those dreaded memories to jump them out of the blue again, filling the atmosphere around them with poisonous gas.

For him everything about this experience was new. The knowledge he’d gained, experiencing that kind of helplessness, experiencing that level of cruelty from a person who was supposed to protect you, it was hard to come to terms with it. To put it aside and go on. That rage within him that threatened to awaken every time he thought too much about it all wouldn’t let him. But for Hux the whole thing had been old news. Yes, reliving the whole thing had shaken him – that would’ve happened to _anyone_ – but he’d learned to life with it a long time ago. Sure, the experience had played its part into forming his lover into the man he was today, yet it didn’t dictate his life, his every thought. On the contrary, he’d locked it away until now where it couldn’t hurt him. And by pulling it back out into the light, by sharing it, it even seemed as if he’d been able to put it behind him completely.

And that was exactly where they clashed.

Hux wanted everything back to normal, but Kylo didn’t know how. On an intellectual level he knew that Hux was still the same. He knew that Hux was tough and more than able to take care of himself, yet the memories of him shaking in his arms or of the helpless panic of the boy he’d once been, it stoked up this desperate need to _protect_. Of course Hux had picked up on that and _hated_ it.

“ _It’s late. ‘Middle of the night’-late.”_

“ _I need to be familiar with the other general’s operations before the meeting tomorrow.”_

“ _But you also need sleep to-”_

“ _I don’t need coddling!”_

“ _You’re tired, I was just-”_

“ _Get the fuck out of my head!”_

“ _I don’t need to be in your head to see that!”_

Their conversations had turned into shouting matches again, not unlike those they’d shared at the beginning. He didn’t want to argue like that, but Hux had a way of getting under his skin and-

An exhausted sigh escaped him. He regretted half of the things he’d said already. Regretted flaring up so easily.

Regret. _Biggest regret_.

Just another thing looming over him.

He forced his mind back to the console in front of him. A last check confirmed the coordinates of the Ghohaani sector, close to the third planet. He’d forgotten the name already. It held one of the biggest shipyards in this part of the outer rim, produced mostly smaller ships, most of which ended up in the hands of the Resistance: X-wings, A-wings, stuff like that. Hux had planned to ‘convince’ them to stop supplying terrorists.

His command shuttle jumped back to normal space, the Finalizer right in front of him in the distance, its sharp angles in intimidating contrast to the round vulnerability of the bluish-brown planet below. There was another ship above the planet. As he got closer it turned out to be a MC80 star cruiser, part of the Republic fleet. He wondered, if they’d been here all along or if Hux’ ‘friendly convincing’ had the shipyard call for help.

It didn’t matter anyway, as just as he contacted the Finalizer and informed them of his imminent arrival, squadrons of fighters swarmed out of both ships.

A hologram of Hux popped up above his console. “Your impeccable timing for the worst possible moment is truly astounding, Ren.”

“And why’s that? Looks to me as if the show’s just getting started.”

He’s dying to dive right into the fight, but his shuttle, although heavily armed, lacked the maneuverability for a space fight like this one.

“Keep your distance until this is finished!” Hux knew that just as well.

A few X-wings changed course, their corresponding dots on his sensors coming closer. “Too late for that.”

The Hux-hologram turned around to his crew, no doubt, and issued a bunch of orders, clipped and to the point and calm. “Signal Epsilon Squadron to dispatch an escort to Ren’s ship. Concentrate the turbolasers only on those ships that get too close. Get the dorsal cannons online. Thanisson, status report on the operation planetside!” A short pause, then Hux turned back. “An escort is on its way.” Then the hologram shut off.

Four TIE-fighters came rushing his way. “Too slow guys.”

He shot the first X-wing dead on. The other two turned into a challenge after that. So far the shields were holding. He managed to spin the shuttle in a way that had his stomach drop and the metal around him groaning, the following explosion of the second X-wing a satisfying reward. His escort finally arrived and got rid of the last pesky nuisance easily. Although he wanted nothing more than to head into the fight and forget all about maps and regrets and unnecessary arguments, it wasn’t an option. Not with this ship.

Grumbling under his breath he followed Epsilon Squadron who did a good job at getting him to the hangar without further interference. Once on board he hurried to the bridge to get a feeling for what was going on.

The room was bustling with activity. Everyone was at his place, focused and highly concentrated, but quick reports flew through the air all around: the status of engines and weapons, the status of their operation on the planet, damage reports and casualties. The communications officers relayed orders to the squadrons. The image in front of him was one of perfect order and efficiency, even their minds were clear and focused, only the voices filling the room turned it into utter chaos.

And in the midst of it all was Hux, marching across the catwalk in the middle of the bridge towards the transparisteel panel, then focusing back on his men and turned back. His hands were clasped behind his back. His orders quick, cold and efficient. Kylo wasn’t sure how he kept track of everything that went on around him, dozens of reports full of information shouted into the room at once, but Hux did. More than that, he thrived on it. This was _his_ stage. His arena.

Hux turned around all of a sudden, facing a dark-haired female officer, his eyes gleaming with trimph. It took Kylo a second to figure out that the operation on the planet had been a success. Their target had been destroyed.

_Guess the ‘convincing’ part didn’t go as planned_.

“The Republic cruiser is hailing us.”

Hux huffed. “Oh, so now they want to talk. Put them through.”

The second the deep voice filled the room everyone else went quiet, every necessary conversation dampened to whispers. He couldn’t tell if the voice belonged to a man or a woman. Given its strange modulation it was most likely not human anyway.

“This is Captain U’Mi Nuor from the Challenger. You permitted an act of unprovoked aggression and mindless destruction against an unprotected civilian target. The Republic won’t stand for this!”

Hux snorted. “As if your precious senate actually had the balls to openly declare war! Now, be sensible, Captain. You’re outnumbered and outgunned. Your ship won’t stand a chance. Surrender, if you value the lives of your crew!”

There was a pause. Some of the officers turned towards Hux.

The moment Captain Nuor’s voice sounded again, a devilish smile tugged at his lover’s lips. “You’d spare their lives?”

Kylo turned and left again. This fight was as good as over and Hux had things more than under control. He even smiled a bit underneath his helmet on his way back to his own quarters. It had been good, seeing him like this: right in his element; master of the situation.

And the urge to protect sank a little bit closer towards the shadows where it belonged.

  


***

  


It’s late when he finally stepped into Hux’ quarters. He’d lost track of time, meditating on all the places his unc- Skywalker had either taken him or had talked about during his teachings. Anything that might give him a lead where the man had disappeared to.

There was rustling and a few footsteps, then a head with wild orange-red hair peeked through the open door to the bedroom.

“There you are. I was waiting for you.”

Hux stepped into the room, clad only in black boxer briefs and an equally black undershirt, the First Order standard issue underwear. Each movement of his long limbs was precise and deliberate, the grin on his face almost predatory. He was so full of energy he was practically glowing from within, his eyes sparkling. Everything about him screamed ‘victory’.

Faced with that grin and the whole lean length of those slender legs, his worries faded into the background. He was tired of worrying. He put his mask aside and smirked. And it felt good to do so.

“I take it you got your way with Captain Nuor?”

There was something distinctly feline in the way Hux came closer, that grin still firmly in place. “That and more than I could’ve hoped for. The shipyard won’t equip the resistance anymore, I’ve got the brig full of a Republic crew, a lovely captain to have some intense chats with these next days and a bunch of technicians and civilian personnel, who already came to see the benefits of the First Order. Not to speak of a whole ship full of information and droids. They can’t have wiped everything in that short amount of time. And we only lost a minimum of our own pilots.”

Hux removed his belt and pushed the cloak from Kylo’s shoulders before he leaned up to meet him in a passionate kiss. He tasted faintly of alcohol. Spicy. Corellian brandy. His mind wasn’t guarded, neither his pleasure regarding this whole day hidden, nor his lust.

Before he knew it, Kylo had buried his hands in that glorious red hair, free of pomade, just the way he liked it best, and held Hux right there, chasing after that devious tongue with fervor. Before long he had to break the kiss, gasping for breath. His pants felt already too tight.

“I missed you.”

Somehow Kylo got the impression that Hux wasn’t just talking about his three days off-ship.

Hux hands were at his waist, grabbing his tunic and pulling it over his head. “Get the rest off. I’ll be waiting.”

Has it always taken this long to untie his damn boots? “Tell me, Tidge, what got you horny like that? The fact that your own plan succeeded your expectations or the victory itself?” he teased, voice raised so it would be heard clearly in the next room.

“It’s been almost two weeks, Ren,” came the irritated answer. “By this point anything makes me horny.”

As the offending boots finally relented he kicked them off and slid out of his pants along the way. “So greedy. But that’s not it.” It wasn’t hard to piece together, not with what he felt from Hux. His grin got even wider. Oh, this was priceless. “You really get turned on by winning.”

“And you get turned on by red hair.”

Which, objectively speaking, made just as little sense. “Fair point.” With his socks pulled off along the way, hopping one-legged through the room in his underwear – he should probably feel ridiculous, but he didn’t – he finally made it into the bedroom.

Hux was kneeling at the edge of the bed, utterly naked. Every last inch of that deliciously pale skin on display. A black strip of fabric dangled from his hand. A very familiar strip of fabric.

The sight of it stopped him in his tracks. He licked his lips.

“I want you to use it on me.” Hux’ voice was husky as he turned around a bit, away from Kylo, and lifted the hand with the blindfold. The perfect position for someone to tie it around his eyes.

Kylo gulped. It had been a nice and unexpected surprise the first time that Hux had willingly given up control like that back when he’d first pulled it out of his calendar. But now? After everything? His cock twitched at the sight, even more thrilled now than back then, and yet it also left him wary. “Are you sure?”

An exasperated sigh was his answer. Hux’ shoulders sagged and his fingers clenched around the blindfold as anger and frustration flashed through his mind.

_Great, now he’s pissed. Again._

But Hux pushed those emotions away, obviously in too good a mood to stop them from enjoying himself. He got up and right in front of Kylo, placing his hands flat against Kylo’s chest, then kissed him again, gentler this time.

“I wouldn’t ask you otherwise. I trust you, Kylo. I know you won’t hurt me.” Hux took his hand and placed the black fabric in it. The dramassian silk felt almost like cool water against his skin. Hux reached up and stroked his indexfinger along his jaw, from beneath his ears all the way to his chin, where it left with a soft tap and a small smile. “Anyway, it’s exhausting to be in control of everything all the time. But with you I feel like I don’t have to.”

Kylo’s cock twitched again, that token of confidence suddenly even hotter than that red trail of hair beneath his lover’s belly button, or the fiery curls at his groin. He took the blindfold in both hands – slightly trembling hands.

Hux turned away from him, ready to get his sight taken from him. Kylo lifted his hands over his lover’s head and just as he was about to place the fabric over those green eyes Hux looked over his shoulder one last time, throwing him a devilish smirk. “Make me scream. If you can.”

“Is that a challenge?”

  


***

  


He loved those moments when the whole galaxy vanished behind the veil of unimportance, when everything shrank down to just the two of them. No words were needed. The sounds of their slowly calming breaths the only noise in the silence. His whole body felt like warm wax, somewhere between solid and liquid and the smell of sex filled the room. Even the Force was gently singing with the celebration of love and life around them.

If only that moment would never end.

He turned his head slightly on his human pillow and pressed a sloppy kiss against the sticky skin of his lover’s belly, right above his belly button. It tasted salty, a mix of drying cum and sweat. They probably should get up and take a shower.

Later.

He trailed along the flat planes of Hux’ belly with his palm, the motion languid, almost reminiscent. That stomach had once been soft, perfect to bury one’s face in and snuggle against, the only soft spot amongst lean muscles and sharp bones. Not anymore and it’s his own fault. All that lightsaber training that Hux enjoyed more than they’d both had anticipated had hardened his body. Still, he missed his snuggly belly. Well, one last resort was still available, just not when they were lying like this, but he could still snuggle his face against Hux’ delicious little ass.

A grin spread his lips at that mental image. A soft chuckle vibrated through his chest.

“What’s so funny?”

Kylo looked up without moving an inch. Hux head was resting comfortably on one of his arms and the pillow, while his other hand was idly playing with Kylo’s hair. Post-coital contentment had filed away all the hard edges on his face, left by the tension of the last week, leaving him mellow and lazy. Kylo liked that look.

“Turn around.”

Hux frowned. “What? Forget it, I’m not moving.”

He slid his hand to his lover’s side and pinched a random piece of flesh. Hux twitched beneath him.

“Hey,” he exclaimed indignantly. “Now you’re ruining the moment.” The twinkle in his eyes robbed the words of their sting.

“You trained away my favorite snuggle place.” To emphasize he pressed his fingers into Hux’ belly. The muscles beneath the skin hardened against the intrusion, only underlining his point. “I need to find another one. And I happen to know of that amazing spot. Two soft, round globes. Pliable. The perfect-”

Hux interrupted him, his expression stern. “I’m not a pillow, Ren! And you will _not_ bury your face in my ass.”

Kylo stared. Held his breath. Hux stared back. Everything was absolutely quiet and motionless for a second as Kylo fought to keep it together and Hux realized what he’d just said.

It started with a twitch, then it just burst out of them both. Uncontrollable laughter at the sheer ridiculousness – and gross falsehood – of that statement.

It felt so good to laugh like this. Light-hearted and carefree. If only for a moment.

And it felt even better to do so with Hux. Especially after everything.

Somehow this – more than anything else – showed him that nothing had changed. Hux was still the same man. They were still the same. He only knew a little bit more about this fascinating man than he’d known a week ago.

As the last giggles died down he crawled up and flopped down right next to Hux, one hand pressed against his sore belly, the other wiping away the tears.

“I need a shower,” Hux declared, nudging him. “Come on, you’re not sleeping in this bed with dried cum on your cheek!”

“Mmh.” He didn’t want to move.

“Hey, lazy bum, get-”

“Oy!” he rebelled. “Who do you call lazy? _I_ did the whole work back there.”

Hux snorted, then laughed, then left for the fresher. When he came back, dry but still stark naked, he crawled back into bed, his back against the headrest. He looked still relaxed, but the carefree smile was gone.

“We reach Parnassos tomorrow. We were supposed to pick up a bunch of special recruits from Phasma’s recruitment center within the next two weeks. We can just as well do it right now.”

Kylo had a hard time to follow at first, too drowsy for a conversation that seemed to be filled with hidden meaning. “Phasma has a recruitment center? On Parnassos? Isn’t that a dead world or something?”

“It’s not pretty, but it’s also not dead. Not completely. A nuclear disaster had devastating global effects on the planet and its ecosystem. Conditions are harsh, but everything that lives and survives there is all the more sturdy and dangerous. Look at Phasma. Parnassos is her home.”

He hadn’t known that.

“I want you to accompany me down to the planet tomorrow.”

His first instinct was to say no. He needed to focus on finding Skywalker, Snoke’s unspoken threat still ringing in his mind. But then he finally caught on to the hidden meaning.

“Is this about your biggest regret?”

“Yes.”

What had _Parnassos_ of all places got to do with the thing he regretted the most? A place devastated by some horrible catastrophe…

“You’re not somehow involved in that nuclear disaster thing, right?”

Hux shot him a look that said ‘seriously?’. His voice was dripping with sarcasm. “Yeah, I traveled back in time a hundred years and stepped on a beetle which accidentally set events in motion that led to the destruction of Phasma’s homeworld.”

He couldn’t help but grin at that. “Juuust checking.” He sobered up all to quickly after that.

“Of course I’ll come with you.” This custom was important to Hux, so it was important to him. And he wanted to know more. But he also needed the time for his Skywalker problem.

_So much rage and loathing. Use it! Let it fuel your search_.

Again Snoke’s words reverberated in his head. Directing the power of his hatred for the men who hurt his Hux into the search for Skywalker was futile as long as he had not a single clue where to start. But that wasn’t the only way his feelings for the other man could assist him in his task.

“I need your help, Hux.”

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time they're back to the Cennadan Fae... time to reveal their biggest regrets.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What better place to reveal your biggest regret than the harsh and barren inhospitableness of Parnassos? A place full of acidic rain and sand and vastness and poisonous creatures.  
> And fiery, sweet surprises...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know: I haven't read any of the books. I just scrolled through Wookiepedia and tried to use some of the information there (not all of it, because reading it felt like you needed to read the book to understand it all... so that's on my list now).  
> So neither Phasma's past nor her homeplanet nor the conditions there or the stuff surrounding Hux' father is completely canon, just bits and pieces.
> 
> And Happy Easter (in case you're celebrating)!

 

Walking across the mainstreet of the small town towards the training complex Kylo wished himself back on Arkanis. Everything about this place made his skin crawl. The crunching sound of the purple sand underneath his boots that got carried everywhere by the constant wind. The metallic taste in the air that even the filters of his mask couldn’t get out. The unmistakable signs of erosion on the buildings, burned into them by acid rain.

 _People actually_ live _here?_

The few people they spotted were covered by heavy hoods and lots of layers. Protection against the harsh and unforgiving elements. They hurried off quickly to not get in the way of a group of marching stormtroopers.

He followed Hux and Phasma into the building. It was the biggest all around. Three stories high and widely spread with barracks and training fields. Once inside Phasma assigned tasks to her troopers, exchanged a few words with Hux and then vanished herself. Hux seemed to know the way and he continued to follow him.

Even though the planet outside was horrid and he would’ve loved to get back to the Finalizer instead, it was truly just because of the planet. The urgency within him regarding Skywalker had calmed down.

As soon as he’d explained everything – almost everything, the part about Snoke’s hidden threat he left out – Hux had been all ears. He’d immediately employed his own network to gather information. Not just about Skywalker himself, but also on former rebels that had been known associates of Skywalker during the war. Some of them were politicians within the New Republic now, others worked as pilots in their fleet or entrepreneurs all over the galaxy. But some of them were actually in custody of the First Order, for various reasons, but mostly association with the Resistance.

Hux had ordered them questioned right away.

It was a start.

During the day Kylo had cross-referenced all the places he’d come up with during his meditation with known places of contemplation or ancient relics or temples or myths that he could find of as well as the list of planets that filled the empty segment of the star chart they’d obtained. That had supplied him with a short list of possible starting points for his search, right when they got back to the ship.

Having a plan of action was a relief, just as the knowledge that Hux had his back.

He still was no step closer to finding his old mentor. Or that dreaded map. But now he felt confident enough that he could actually accomplish his task in time.

“In here.”

Hux opened a door. Kylo stepped inside what looked like a conference room. Lots of tables and chairs and a big front of transparisteel that opened up towards the little town. Just looking at the sickly swirls of purple and red and orange that filled the sky at the horizon made his hairs stand on end and yet he still stepped right up to the window and looked even closer. The left side of the town was huddled against a forest that wouldn’t be called ‘forest’ on any other planet of this galaxy. There was barely any foliage left on the trees, nothing but a flimsy, holey cover over tall, thin trunks and branches that looked half-naked and sick. On the other sides there was nothing but an endless see of purple sand and some dark, strange looking spires far off in the distance.

The sight sent chills down his spine.

And somehow he wished there had been some preventive anti-radiation treatment beforehand. Even though Hux had assured him that it wasn’t necessary.

_The First Order would’ve never agreed to a recruitment center in the middle of a contaminated area. I checked the measured data myself the first time. It’s safe._

“Not pretty, but not dead.” Hux repeated his assessment from the night before.

He took his helmet off, although reluctantly, and shook his head. “And I thought _your_ home world is depressing--”

That earned him a huffed laugh.

The door opened again and Phasma came inside, a metal container in her hands, roughly the size of a sentry droid.

“Did you get everything?”

Phasma nodded. “Captain Dolpho had everything arranged. Even on such short notice.” She placed the container on the table and took a step back to face Hux.

“Good. I trust you’ll oversee the inspection of the new recruits with your usual diligence?”

“Of course, Sir.” She almost turned, then hesitated. He’s not sure he had ever seen her do that. “I don’t need to remind you to be careful, Sir. Their tarsal claws are razor-sharp. That box won’t hold it forever.”

Hux nodded. There was even the hint of a fond smile on his face. “Thank you, but I won’t need ‘forever’.”

Phasma saluted, then she left.

“Hux?” he asked skeptically. “What the hell is in that container?”

“Well, if you’re asking already--” Hux shot him a quick grin before he went to work, opening the container.

Kylo stepped closer just as Hux lifted a smaller box out of it. Only the top and bottom of that box were made of some sturdy looking metal, the other four sides were made of something transparent. Glass? Transparisteel? Inside the box was a single leafless branch and purple sand. And on top of that a black beetle the size of his palm. No, not black, but a really deep blueish purple. His eyes narrowed on their own accord. What had this creature to do with his lover’s biggest regret?

“Didn’t you say you _didn’t_ step on a beetle in the past? So why am I looking at one now?”

Hux placed the box carefully onto the table, an evil grin played across his lips. And there was something dangerous in his eyes as he looked at him. “You’re looking at the deadliest creature on this planet.”

_O-kay…_

He turned his attention back to the animal in its cage, although it was hard to look away from those menacing features. The beetle had six legs and was big, its carapace a similar shade as the sand itself, just darker, its mandibles not much different from those of other beetle species. There was nothing special about it. Which left only one option…

“I take it, it’s poisonous?”

“Very.”

“So?” He still didn’t get what this had to do with anything.

Hux crossed his arms in front of his chest and nodded his chin at the creature. “This is what killed my father.”

Kylo straightened again, rubbing his chin as he tried to recall all the information he’d looked up on Brendol Hux. There had been no mention of a beetle or poison. “I thought you’re father died of some illness?”

Yeah, a mysterious illness that didn’t respond to any treatment. He remembered now.

Hux sat down in one of the chairs. He reached out a gloved finger and trailed it along the edge of the transparent box. The beetle attacked out of the blue. Hux pulled his hand back and his chair scraped a few inches across the floor as he slid back hastily. Kylo’s hand was outstretched, the Force already twisting beneath his fingers, but the beetle simply thudded against the panels of its cage. They both breathed a sigh of relief. He felt stupid somehow, that thing _was_ inside a box after all. But Phasma’s warning was still fresh in his mind.

“Dangerous beasts indead,” Hux mumbled, keeping his distance now. “Barely anyone knows about these creatures. The medics had no idea what they were dealing with. It’s a slow acting poison. Starts out like most illnesses do: uneasiness, fever, stomach ache.” Hux stood up and paced around, a restless energy about him. “In the end his insides disintegrated and his body got liquefied from the inside out. Slowly.”

That poison was truly something nasty, then. His eyes fell onto the beetle again with new unease. The waves of satisfaction coming off of Hux were unmissable, just as the bitter taste of regret. And- shame? It were the latter two that he couldn’t make sense of.

He tried to picture it. Brendol Hux on a hospital bed, sweat pearling on his forehead, pain edged into his features. He’s writhing and groaning, coughing, pressing his hands against his chest, his stomach, but nothing he or the doctors do brings him any relief. It’s a cruel and painful way to die. Just what he’d deserved!

Just what he’d deserved…

He glanced over at Hux, who leaned with one shoulder against the window, his expression harsh and unforgiving. And yet there was something in his eyes-

It wasn’t hard to put the pieces together. Everything he’d learned and seen and felt so far. To be honest, he should’ve gotten it sooner.

“You murdered him.” There was a smug tone in his voice.

Hux crossed his arms again. Defensive. “Yes. And no.”

Kylo raised an eyebrow.

“I gave the order to have him killed. It was Phasma who did it. She also chose the method, I only wanted it to be untraceable.” Hux looked at him now, actively searched his gaze. There was something bitter about the way he pinched his face. “Till this day I wish I had done it myself. I wish I had seen the look on his face as he realized that his death came at the hand of his useless, weak-willed bastard. I wonder what I would’ve seen in those eyes-- Astonishment? Shock? Pride even? Or just more of the same old disappointment?”

He hated that tone. Acrid and angry and yet resigned. “He’s dead. That’s what counts.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Kylo crossed the distance between them in few quick strides. With a gloved finger against his chin he made Hux face him.

“Seriously, let the past die, Hux.”

The ginger narrowed his eyes at that, but kept quiet.

“It’s probably the best advice I ever got from Snoke. Although it’s the one I failed the most at as it turns out. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

“What advice? What did he say?”

“’Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. Only then can you be what you’re meant to be.’ I killed my past. Or so I thought. I failed and now Skywalker’s mere presence is back haunting me. But you didn’t fail. You killed your father. He’s dead. So let go, let the past die with him.”

Hux took a step back, his back straight and tense. “That’s what I did! He’s gone!” He made a dismissive gesture with his hand, playing for haughtiness, as if nothing of what he said could touch him, but in the end everything about him just screamed of his defensiveness. “I freed myself of him and became more than he ever could!”

Kylo didn’t feel like the right person for this, but someone _had_ to confront Hux with the truth. Had to stop letting him get away with lying to himself.

“And yet, even dead, he still has power over you.” Hux ground his teeth and huffed a breath. “Because you _let_ him.”

As the words sank in his lover’s shoulders sagged, the tension draining bit by bit from his body.

“You don’t have to prove anything to him anymore. He’s nothing but a burden, holding you back.”

Hux sighed, rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers, then sighed again. “You’re right. I never truly got rid of him. And I never will as long as his voice is still in my head.” Hux straightened again. New determination sparkling in his eyes. And for a second Kylo feared he’d ask him to get inside his head and get rid of his father’s voice. But Hux didn’t ask for the impossible. He’d always preferred to fight his fights by himself. “From now on I won’t listen. I’ll drown him out like he’d drowned in his own insides. No more regrets! No more doubts! And no more trying to please a ghost! It ends here and now!”

Kylo admired that ferocity. Sadly he knew a thing or two about voices in one’s head. Not just Snoke. Even decades later his conscience sounded like his mother, his recklessness sometimes frustratingly like his father.

“I don’t think it will be that easy.”

A dangerous smirk grew on his lover’s lips, cocky, but oh so confident. “I’ve never shied away from a challenge!”

That grin, that determination, it’s the expression that his enemies feared and Kylo cherished, for it showed that wild, untamed energy that housed deep at the core of Hux’ very being. Indomitable and so full of life.

A dull thud startled them both, closely followed by clicking and scratching. It was the beetle. It had attacked the confines of his cage and was currently working its clawed legs against one of the transparent panels.

 _That box won’t hold it forever_. Phasma’s warning was still fresh in his mind.

“I better pack that thing away again.”

Hux raised no objections as Kylo went back to the table, carefully grabbed the box and put it back in the metal container. That’s when he spotted a much smaller box inside the container. Not a cage, more like something you’d use for a present. Curious, he took it out. It was rather light and covered in a rough fabric in the same tone of purple that seemed to dominate this whole place.

“What’s this?” he asked, holding the box up for Hux to see while he fastened the container using his other hand and the Force.

Hux came closer. He was more relaxed now. And he tried to stifle a grin. “Open it.”

That hadn’t been helpful at all. But whatever was inside that box, it wasn’t dangerous. He put it down on the table and lifted the lid-- to reveal about fifteen oval objects, bedded on yellow cloth. Stones? The things were maybe one and a half inch long and an inch wide; dark brown with grey-greenish speckles. He narrowed his eyes. Was that supposed to be chocolate? Confused and curious all at once, he took a closer look. That’s when he spotted the little black stems protruding from one end of the oval shape.

“ _Fruits_???” This was _not_ his idea of appetizing _at all_.

Hux laughed, no doubt at the disgusted grimace on his face. “It’s time to return the favor.”

“This doesn’t look like a favor.”

“Well, aren’t we quick to judge,” Hux reproached him good-naturedly and nudged him a bit with his elbow. “You fed me all those delicious treats that I’ve never seen before. Now let me introduce you to one.”

He was supposed to _eat_ one of those? Kylo really appreciated the thought, but no, the prospect of putting one of those things into his mouth was more than a bit- revolting.

“What is it?”

“They’re called gegliodyne. Or fire berries. They’re from the equatorial regions of the planet. The berries of this plant were inedible once, even toxic, but the radiation led to mutation and one of those mutated strains led to these.” Radiation mutated toxic berries. If Hux was trying to entice him he was doing a lousy job. “They have to be cultivated. They wouldn’t stand a chance against the other far more aggressive – and better adapted – species on this planet. And yet they only grow on this planet. There’s something about this doomed world that they can’t live without.”

“What do they taste like?”

Hux picked one out of the box and raised a challenging eyebrow at him. “Try yourself.” And then he popped the disgusting looking thing into his mouth.

Kylo shuddered.

Until a wave of prickling delight washed over him. From Hux, who clearly made an effort to push his reaction outward.

Now, _this_ was enticing, indeed.

Intrigued against his will he picked one of the berries himself. It felt surprisingly hard underneath his fingers. After one last moment of hesitation he pushed it into his mouth. The fruit was rough against his tongue and so dry it actually soaked up his saliva. In an attempt to get rid of that strange feeling he bit into it. The second the hard flesh gave way and ripped open underneath his teeth a thin liquid spilled into his mouth. It stung. Every surface it touched instantly heated up, burning, but in a pleasant way, like Chandrillan chilli.

His eyes popped open. A surprised humming sound escaped him, while Hux watched him, licking his lips and looking smug while doing so.

The initial shock over, Kylo started chewing. The flavor of the flesh of the fruit mixed with the heat inducing juice, the combination of both rich and dark, heavy and yet sweet on his tongue. It almost reminded him of dark chocolate. His whole mouth was prickling, even his gums. He couldn’t – and wouldn’t – help the moan that slipped his lips.

“I knew you’d like it.”

A second later warm lips covered his. Startled by this sudden contact he realized that he’d closed his eyes somewhere along the line. With his lips and tongue burning and buzzing already, his lover’s tongue was even hotter against his own. Every touch tingled his nerves, teasing and promising. Intoxicating.

“Is there more where these came from?” he panted between heated kisses.

Hux pushed himself closer against him, his hands buried in his long hair. “It was hard enough to get those,” he replied, clearly distracted by Kylo’s mouth.

“Pity!”

Heavy footsteps marching through the corridor right outside their door sounded through the room. Hux pulled back, flustered, and threw the door a distrustful glance while patting his hair and uniform back into place. Kylo growled. He wasn’t sure what he hated more: the interruption or this stupid insistence of keeping appearances. Why not turn the open secret just into an open fact already?

“Not here,” Hux mumbled with a wistful expression. He licked his lips one last time before he wiped his gloved thumb across the glistening, reddened flesh.

Kylo had a hard time looking anywhere else.

Someone knocked.

“Come in,” Hux stated, stern as ever. At least to the untrained eye.

A stormtrooper entered. “Sir, Captain Phasma wanted to let you know that her inspection is almost finished.”

Hux nodded. “Alright. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes to take a look at the new recruits myself. Have the ship ready for departure in half an hour.”

“Aye, Sir.”

Right, this was still a business trip. Kylo had already forgotten about that. He licked his tongue around in his mouth, savoring the last remnants of the heady flavors from before. But the moment was gone.

“What about you?”

Frowning he turned towards Hux. “What do you mean?”

Hux averted his eyes for a second, clasped his hands behind his back, then pulled them back at his sides again and faced him. The short moment of indecision and hesitation gone. “What do you regret the most?”

_Oh._

He’d brought the topic of reciprocity regarding this custom up himself, so he wasn’t surprised by the question. He only wished that he had a better answer. Every now and then these last days he’d thought about it. Lots of things had popped up in his mind. Small things, bigger things. Leaving Armie behind on Chandrilla. Running away that one time with seven, so angry at being forgotten yet again. After five days his parents had gotten desperate. Finding him had been the only time he’d seen his father cry. Openly questioning Snoke’s methods. He’d been seventeen back then, young and rash and searching for answers, for meaning, for _his place_ in all of this – not so different from the man he was now after all. But openly challenging Snoke-- he’d never forget that kind of pain.

But which one weighed more than the others?

Kylo shrugged. “I’m not sure. Maybe not making sure that Skywalker was actually dead? I should have. It started out as self-defense, but then-- I’ve let my rage consume me. By the time my head cooled again he was nowhere to be seen. I thought he was dead already. He would’ve fought to protect his precious school otherwise. I should’ve checked.” But even that one didn’t feel right.

Hux cocked his head as he did when faced with an intriguing detail. “What happened?”

Had he never told Hux?

He sighed. “I woke up at night to the glow of a lightsaber. My un- _he_ stood over me, ready to strike me down in my sleep. I brought down the whole building on him.” He shook his head against the memory, the betrayal still hurt, even all these years later. “I was fifteen.”

“Coward!” Hux spat the word with such derision, it spoke right from Kylo’s soul. And it made him smile, if only a little.

“But,” he started, “would I regret it just as much if that fact hadn’t come back to bite me in the ass now? I’m not so sure.” He might still be rash and quick to anger, but he _had_ learned to question his own actions and motives along the way. “There are many things I regret and yet I don’t. Not really.” He looked up, holding Hux’ gaze. “All of those decisions, no matter how stupid, led me to where I am now. A stinking hellhole of a planet with the most delicious ugly fruits I’ve ever tasted.” He grinned, before he sobered again. “And they led me to you.”

Hux’ right eyebrow climbed new heights on his forehead and he crossed his arms again. “Is that supposed to be romantic?”

“I don’t know. Does it work?” Kylo waggled his eyebrow in the most horrible mockery of seduction.

It had the desired effect. Hux snorted, fondness creeping into his stoic features. “You’re such a child sometimes.”

Kylo laughed and stepped closer. “And you love me anyway.” And kissed Hux, possible stormtrooper interruption be damned.

  


***

  


He left right after they got back to the Finalizer, this time not in his command shuttle, but a smaller, less conspicuous one. Hux was there to see him off. And to pull out four bags from underneath his greatcoat as soon as he was inside and out of sight of prying eyes.

Somehow the sight of those bags didn’t fill him with dread this time.

He chose the one that looked like lively, green foliage. After Parnassos the design looked fresh and welcome.

“What does it say?”

He wasn’t sure if Hux really didn’t know or if he just wanted to hear him say it. There was just one word written.

“Secret.”

“Ah, yeah, a secret that one has never told before.”

That was definitely something to look forward to.

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was definitely time for Kylo to be the one trying out exotic food ;D


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux takes care of Kylo and some very unexpected secrets are revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took longer than usual. I've been pretty sick this last week, but couldn't stay home from work and that really took a lot out of me. But I feel better now and I haven't forgotten about you.
> 
> In exchange for the long wait you get a longer chapter :)

Two weeks.

Two _damn_ weeks and _nothing_ to show for it!

Again he smacked his fist against the console. It was useless anyway since it had overheated an hour ago. That damn ion-storm. Half of the systems were glitching ever since. He only hoped the Finalizer was still in the Phylan-sector, otherwise he’d need to find a new ship. This felt way too much like crawling back with his tail tucked between his legs. He hated it. But there was nothing to be done. The ship needed repairs and he preferred heading for the base he knew instead of blindly groping for help in the vastness of space without proper sensor data or communication. At least his propulsion systems still worked, although the sublight stuttered here and there.

Two weeks, canvassing one planet after the other, checking places he’d been with his mentor or places he’d heard his mentor talk about, searching for remote places and rumors about strange happenings or strange hermits, because he just knew that if Skywalker wanted to drop off the radar he’d go for solitude. Maybe that simply was the Jedi way of dealing with failure. Yoda, Kenobi, now Skywalker. There was definitely a pattern there.

And yet, no matter where he looked, no matter who he threatened, there was _nothing_. Not even the barest hint of a hint. Not the tiniest flicker of a familiar presence in the Force. And that missing segment of the star chart that held Skywalker’s hiding place was _full_ of possible planets. He’d barely managed to check off five and even there he wasn’t absolutely sure. How do you search a whole planet?

He’d followed leads and dead ends, had tracked through jungles and deserts, bogs and coast lines. He’d gotten into stupid fights with even stupider natives – or worse: religious fanatics – he’d been to ancient places that were linked to the Force according to hearsay, which didn’t always proof to be true. Why where so many of these ancient places littered with traps anyway?

What little information his contacts had for him turned out useless. His knights barely had anything better to report, just that Pluras Ren was following a promising lead and would contact him as soon as she knew more.

And, to make matters worse, his nightmares had become more frequent the stronger this vibrating, looming _something_ became that he felt in the Force.

Snoke had contacted him a few days prior, urging him on even further and reminding him yet again, this time less subtle, what consequences his failure would have.

The only silver lining these last weeks had been the three times he’d chatted with Hux over the holocomm. Even if they’d been rather short. Hux had relayed the information gathered by questioning the imprisoned former associates of Skywalker. Only one had revealed a possible location, but Dagobah wasn’t within the area of space that was missing from their map, which depicted clearly a part of the Unknown Regions.

Still, talking with Hux had felt-- good.

Like a balm.

 

***

 

It’s still there. The Finalizer. In all its glory.

The communication flickered out before he could say more than his identification code, but now he was back, hours later. So much time wasted.

He probably should step right into the next shuttle and get on his way. His restless mind had other plans. There’s hundreds of things on his mind, constantly fighting for his attention: Snoke’s threat, locations that needed checking, rumors that might turn into something useful, the clock ticking and ticking, the dread of his dreams. It’s a constant churning. Plotting, planning, fretting, despairing. He longed for calm and quiet, but meditation had stopped being helpful a while ago.

He blinked in stunned surprise as he found himself in front of the gym. Why the gym of all places he couldn’t fathom. Hux’ quarters he would’ve understood. His own as well. But the gym?

Only when he hung his head for a second to gather himself did he feel it. A faint, but very familiar presence behind the wall in front of him. He didn’t hesitate a second and went in.

And there he was: Hux, in training clothes with a short staff in his hand.

“Kylo?” The surprise was unmistakable in Hux’ voice. “I wasn’t informed of your impending return.”

He was sure that someone would get into trouble for that. Maybe Mitaka. With whom had he spoken earlier on the comm? He didn’t remember. It wasn’t important anyway.

“It was rather-- unplanned.”

The hiss of the release of his mask sounded uncomfortably loud in his ears. He dropped it to the ground, while Hux came closer. But now he stopped, looking him over and sighed. “No success then.”

He raked his hand through his hair and shook his head. “No.”

He wanted to say more, wanted to vent all his frustration at how futile it was to search hundreds of planets with nothing to go by. He wanted to rage about the petty close-mindedness of some cults and native cultures and about those idiots who’d planted traps all over ancient places of worship. He wanted to share his fear of what this change in the Force could mean, about facing Snoke without results, about wasting even more time by being here. He wanted to say it all and more, but his mouth ran dry and his mind couldn’t focus on one thing long enough for him to voice it. There was just this cacophony of noise inside his head.

So he said nothing.

Hux frowned and closed the last of distance between them. His hair looked darker, slicked with sweat as it was. His bare arms and his face were glistening and the dark stained patches of his shirt clung to his skin. The strong smell of sweat hung heavy in the air. And yet the urge to bury his face against that wet neck was overwhelming.

Hux expression softened. “You look horrible. Did you get any sleep at all?”

He shrugged. “I tried.”

“And?”

“Nightmares.” Hux’ questions helped him focus and suddenly it got easier to find words. “Something is about to happen, Tidge. I can feel it in the Force. Something big. And the dreams-- they’re connected, I just _know_.”

“Alright.” Hux reached out and pushed a strand of his long hair out of his face. Kylo leaned into the gentle touch. He barely noticed that for once Hux didn’t question his comments about the Force, but took his words at face value. “What are those dreams about?”

He swallowed. “Failure.”

_And losing you somehow. I don’t know how or why or anything, just that the fear is always there when I wake up. That you’re gone._

The words never left his mouth, though. He didn’t project them either. Too afraid that voicing them would make them true.

Hux’ eyes rested on him a moment longer, with that strange look that made his skin prickle. As if _he_ were the one who could peek into minds. But the moment was gone in an instant and Hux took his hand instead, pulling him along into the room.

“You need to quieten your mind. You won’t find rest and you won’t be able to focus on your task as long as there’s hundreds of thoughts rampaging through your head.”

He knew that. He’d tried to meditate. But whenever he needed to clear his mind the most meditation seemed to fail him. Just as it had when he’d been younger, a padawan at his un--

“Spar with me!”

“Huh?”

It took him a second to catch up. Sparring? Now? He really wasn’t in the mood right now, with his body heavy and his mind exhausted. “I only have the one lightsaber here.” It’s meant as an excuse.

“But I have more of these,” Hux said and picked his staff back up from the ground. In one single motion he turned and threw it towards Kylo.

He stopped it in midair just inches away from his face using the Force, not deliberately, but more on an instinctual level, too startled by the sudden move. Only then did he grab the staff, his heartbeat a bit faster than before.

Hux came back with a second one a moment later. “Ready?”

_Not really._

Kylo sighed, the words to turn down Hux’ offer at the tip of his tongue. But they wouldn’t come out. Maybe Hux was right. The single focus needed for a fight might just be what he needed. So instead he placed one end of the staff on the floor and held it upright with the Force while he shed his cloak and his outer tunic. Clad in his undershirt and pants he took the short staff up, twirled it experimentally. It was almost the same length as his lightsaber and just a tad lighter. He could work with that.

“What happened?”

He frowned, then followed Hux’ gaze towards his left arm. A motley of blue and green was decorating the outside of his forearm and four long, barely healed scratches ran across his upper arm. He’d come to _hate_ ancient temples and their kriffin’ traps.

“Don’t ask,” he growled.

“Fine.”

And just like that Hux attacked.

The loud clack as their staffs connected was unfamiliar. But he grew accustomed to it as soon it was the only sound in the room, reverberating from the walls, just accompanied by increasingly heavy breathing and, from time to time, the dull thudding of bodies connecting with the ground. Hux didn’t hold back. He never did.

Kylo had a harder time than usual to counter the redhead’s attacks. It wasn’t just the missing warm up – he never got that in real fighting situations either. Only when Hux almost got the better of him twice and left him stumbling clumsily out of reach of that blasted staff to get his bearings back did even the last thought of Snoke and Skywalker lose importance in favor of the current danger. Didn’t matter that it wasn’t real. It was real enough to demand his full concentration.

From that moment on the fight truly began. They twirled and dodged, rolled across the ground to get out of the way; the clacking of staff against staff was like a drumbeat, pounding out the rhythm of their combat. Like a heartbeat. It was electrifying and hypnotizing all at once.

His arms hurt from the reverberating force of each impact of their weapons, his muscles straining to hold against it. Sweat was dripping into his eyes and running down his back. His thighs were burning. It wasn’t just his mind, that was exhausted, but his body as well. He’d just not realized it before. It got harder to react in time, harder to push for an opening in Hux’ defense, his whole body was aching from the strain. But it was such a simple and honest ache, so completely different from the restless torture of his mind, that he embraced it.

He powered on, letting the pain fuel his attacks. Sweat-soaked hair was slapping into his face, he stumbled, regained his footing. He’s gasping for breath, but he turned, forced the staff up again, parried. Parried again. He’s on the defensive now, couldn’t remember when that had happened. He dodged, spun aside, stumbled again. Pain exploded across his back as a staff hit him – not as hard as it could have. He cried out, fell forward and threw himself to the side, to roll over his shoulder and get u--

The moment he’s on his back Hux was above him, the point of his staff right at Kylo’s throat. He’d expected to look up at a smug grin and that victorious glint in Hux’ eyes, but he’s not. There’s only a deeply satisfied smirk, the one he used whenever one of his plans proved successful.

Kylo let his head sag back against the floor. His arms as well. His eyes fell close. Everything hurt and he just couldn’t stop gasping. He wondered if his face was just as red and glistening from exertion as Hux’. Somewhere at the edges of his perception he heard footsteps retreating after a while and the scraping of something hard against the ground. Then the footsteps came back. The tip of a shoe nudged against his side.

“Hey, you still alive?”

He grunted. “Not sure.”

There’s a chuckle above him, then another nudge followed. “Come on, get up. Time for a shower.”

He didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to move ever again. “Just leave me here.”

A snort. “Yeah, I can just imagine the gossip when the technician group finds you later on. Come on!”

Kylo groaned melodramatically, but opened his eyes anyway. Hux stood over him, his hand extended to help him up. And Kylo couldn’t help but smile. Hux looked wrecked, it was funny and sexy all at once. Flushed all over, his hair dripping and curling into wet strands at the nape of his neck and his clothes sticking to his skin. He couldn’t be farther from the pristine general than this.

He reached up and let Hux pull him to his feet. This time the groan wasn’t for show. Every muscle in his body protested. His head got a bit fuzzy for a second and his legs were unusually shaky as Hux put a bottle into his hands. He drank greedily, then he followed Hux into the showers.

The sonic felt incredibly good, massaging his aching body as the vibrations filled his mind with white noise. He just stood there, his arms against the wall, his head hanging low, and let the beating sound waves do the rest. At some point he felt Hux’ presence close by, right before a hand rubbed across his back, ghosting over his skin, acknowledging the scratches on his shoulder blade and the big, greenish bruise at his side. Hux’ never said a word, but his hand trailed up and kneaded gently at his scalp, just the way he liked it. His legs threatened to turn to jelly at that.

Hux planted a kiss on his shoulder and mumbled against his skin: “Let’s go.”

Kylo simply followed Hux. With his clothes drenched in sweat he slipped into his usual training clothes that he stored here and watched Hux turn back into the impeccable general – apart from the pomade, that is. They headed through the ship and before he knew it he found himself curled up in their bed, his head on Hux’s lap, inhaling the familiar and soothing scent of his lover and their shared bed. His body felt heavy and yet he seemed to be drifting as Hux’ hands carded through his hair.

“Are you still awake?”

“Mmh.”

“I- this isn’t exactly planned, but since I don’t really need a place for this one and since our impromptu training session is rather fitting-- would you like to hear a secret that I never told anyone before?”

 _Secret? Why- oh, the custom_.

His mind was so blissfully blank at the moment and too exhausted to haunt him with the memories that usually popped up first when he thought of the Cennadan Fae. He’s far too content to fall asleep either, he’d missed Hux’ presence and a gentle touch too much to miss out on it now. He wanted this to last a while longer, so he nodded and hummed his approval.

Hux’ ministrations never wavered.

“I guess Raenys, um, my mother is at fault here. It’s her stories that started it, but-- okay, I- as a kid I wanted to be a Jedi.”

Kylo’s eyes popped open, wide awake all of a sudden. He turned around a bit, just enough to get a good glance up at Hux. “Say that again???”

And Hux laughed, his body shaking softly from it underneath Kylo’ head. “You heard me. She told all these fantastic stories out there in the woods and Neea told them again at home. Some of it got stuck in my head, even after they were both gone. Not much, just the basics. The Force, lightsabers, fighting the bad guys, those sort of things. I wanted to know more, but I couldn’t ask my father about Jedi now, could I? But I asked him about the Force.” Hux snorted softly. “He called it nonsense. Nothing to rely upon. Said it didn’t help Darth Vader or the Emperor in the end. But so I learned about the Sith. To be honest, I didn’t care about Jedi or Sith, I just dreamed of having the power to use a mythical force that’s supposed to be everywhere. It sounded so _special_. I wanted to be like that. So I played being a Force-user, at least when I was very young. And when I was alone.”

All of that left him strangely overwhelmed. “Oh my God, you played--” The words turned into an amused chuckle, then a big grin. He could practically see a small redheaded kid running around, brandishing a stick or something similar, making wooshing sounds and throwing plushed animals around, pretending to have pushed them by the Force. The image dissolved as another one pushed into his mind, a memory from the time he first came aboard the Finalizer. He remembered Hux, much older than that child from his imagination, who had mustered him with contempt as Kylo had pushed a security droid out of his way with nothing but a small wink of a finger. He also recalled that jingling of _something_ else underneath that contempt.

“You’re jealous.”

The expected denial never came.

“Yes. At first. You were everything I ever wanted to be as a child but couldn’t. You had a power at your disposal that was so completely out of my reach. You- you made me feel inferior and I hated that.” Hux huffed a laugh, but there was no real humor to it. “I hated you for having something which was just as out of _your_ control as my force-insensitivity for me. And yet I admired you for just the same reason.”

Kylo stared up at Hux as his memories seemingly rearranged themselves, forming a new and better fitting picture. “That explains a lot.”

The redhead looked down, his fingertips trailed along Kylo’s hairline before they delved deeper into his dark hair. “That’s why it took me a while to- actually see the person underneath all that.”

It sounded almost like an apology.

That small ginger boy with the imagined lightsaber in his hand still frolicked through Kylo’s mind. He liked that image, probably more than he should. And yet it came as a total surprise.

“And here I was, expecting some admission to a devious plot that made you climb the career ladder as fast as you did.” He couldn’t help but tease the other a little bit, although it was the truth.

“Hey,” Hux snapped and gave his shoulder a little slap, an indignant expression on his face and laughter in his eyes, “I accomplished that through hard work alone.”

Kylo raised an eyebrow. “Do you take me for a fool?”

Hux smirked. “I said ‘hard work’. I never said anything about ‘honest hard work’.”

Kylo grinned as well, the malicious glee far too infectious to resist.

_My devious general!_

He flopped onto his back to look up properly. “You know you just gave me top-notch blackmail material, right?”

Hux rose to his teasing challenge armed with nothing but a raised eyebrow, a confident look and a patronizing smile. Which would’ve been enough to intimidate anyone, but him. “And you already gave me the same, remember? Mr. I-love-fairytales?”

“No one would believe you.”

That _got_ a reaction, the most amusing splutter of indignation. “But they would believe _you_???”

Kylo turned even further and pressed his face against his lover’s belly, no doubt a silly, fond smile on his lips. He pulled his knees up and snuggled his arm around Hux’ middle to hug him even closer. “I missed you.” Somehow, the unspoken ‘I don’t want to go again tomorrow’ rang even louder in the room.

The hand in his hair resumed its stroking ministrations after a moment. “I missed you, too.” There was a short pause, then another hand settled on his shoulder. “As much as I find this clingy version of you strangely endearing-- I don’t want to sleep sitting up, so-- would you--”

Grumbling in protest he grudgingly gave up the comfy spot he’d just cuddled up against and slid off of Hux completely. His body protested against the movement and once he lay on his side of the bed with his head on his pillow he just sagged into the mattress with a sigh. He felt Hux move next to him as he settled down himself.

“A secret I never told anyone,” Kylo mused. He hadn’t forgotten about his silent vow to fulfill his part of the custom, but he had to admit that he’d forgotten all about it these last two weeks. He hadn’t spent one thought on secrets, so he roamed his memory now, on short notice. “You already know a lot of my secrets.” He’d shared a few as part of the Mid-Winter calendar, others Hux had unraveled all on his own. He turned his head to face Hux, who was lying on his side, looking at him. “But not all of them.”

Something very pleased sparkled in those green eyes. “I hope not. That would be-- disappointing.”

Kylo was too exhausted to dig up anything specific from his past, so he settled for the simplest and newest secret that he’d never shared with anyone. “You were my first.”

“ _What_?” Hux blurted out, his eyes wide, his mouth slack. “No way! No kriffin’ way!”

He had a hard time not snickering at the thoughts and images that suddenly flashed unguarded through the redhead’s mind. Memories of their first time, of curious hands and bared flesh, of skillful fingers and a devious tongue. And again and again the incredulous litany of ‘way too good for a beginner’. It was highly amusing. And arousing. Seeing that, feeling the memories of what Hux had felt- even exhausted he felt himself stir.

“I don’t believe you!” Hux claimed yet again.

Kylo put on the smuggest grin he had in his repertoire. “Who said anything about sex?”

Hux spluttered. His mouth worked, forming words, but nothing came out, instead a tinge of red crept into his cheeks. The great General Hux, speechless and blushing. Not many people could manage _that_. Proud and definitely pleased with himself, Kylo took pity on his lover.

“I didn’t mean sex. Believe me, you would’ve _known_ if you’d be my first in that regard, because that had been-- well, let’s not talk about it. No, what I meant is, I’ve never fallen for anyone before you. A minor crush, yes, but I never loved anyone before. Not the way I love you.”

As always when he dug too deep into the emotional he could feel the first wisps of unease wafting around Hux. He could see it in the tiny uncertain twitches of his fond smile.

“Same here.” The whisper was hoarse. Barely audible.

But Kylo would’ve gotten the message anyway. He had a long time ago. They stared at each other across the distance of the bed, both with the hint of a smile on their lips and a peculiar intensity in their eyes. For that moment the universe was in complete balance. Kylo reveled in it, let it warm him from the inside out.

It didn’t surprise him in the slightest that Hux broke the moment first, too uncomfortable with the depth and vulnerability of it.

“Okay, that’s- that’s enough with the sappy stuff.” Hux propped his head on his arm and gazed down at him, a playful glint dancing in his eyes. He reached out for Kylo’s hand and trailed the fingertip of his index finger over naked skin. First the back of Kylo’s hand, then further up along his forearm, the movement slow, delicate. Deliberate.

His skin prickled along that line.

“How about we tackle a different kind of first time in the near future? I know it’s something you’ve always wanted to try.” The tantalizing movement of that finger stopped and Hux slid closer. He leaned in, over Kylo’s face, so close his breath tickled his ear. “Me too, by the way.”

Kylo’s breath hitched. His cock hardened a bit more. That complacent grin that said ‘I know exactly what I’m doing’ as Hux leaned back again made it only worse.

“What do you have in mind?”

Hux merely shrugged. “Take a look.”

With an invitation like that – especially given how intrigued he already was – why would he ever say no?

He concentrated and pushed gently into his lover’s mind. He didn’t have to delve deep, it’s right there beneath the surface, drawing him in and he couldn’t resist the colorful images, just as a moth couldn’t resist the light. There were the open shower stalls of the gym, the both of them inside, for everyone to see who would open the door. Hux was leaning against the wall, naked and moaning, and he was on his knees in front of him, sucking his cock deep into his throat. The image changed. They’re both in Hux’ office now, at the table in front of the transparisteel window overlooking the bridge. Hux was slightly bent over the table, his pants pushed down, Kylo right behind him, fucking into him, only hidden from sight by nothing but the angle of the window. If one would step to the window front of the bridge and look up, they’d both be on perfect display.

Kylo heard himself moan while he still soaked in the thrill of discovery that coated every image he was seeing. His throat was dry as he pulled back, out of his lover’s head. His cock almost painfully hard from the images alone.

“How-” His voice was nothing but a hoarse rasp. He cleared his throat. “How do you know?”

_Yes! How?_

He’d never said anything. Not yet. Maybe not ever. It’s one of his most secret phantasies. The one he didn’t even knew he had before he met Hux. And yet he’d never thought that Hux of all people would share his thrill at having sex where nothing but chance stood between them fucking and their discovery. How could Hux possibly know?

That infernal index finger was trailing across his arm again, lighting his skin on fire. Every touch, combined with that overly smug expression in front of him, went right down between his legs. He shifted uncomfortably, trying to get a better position and more friction all at once.

“You have the Force. I have my ways.”

Hux slid closer again. “And now lean back and I’ll take care of this guy here.”

Hux’ hand was suddenly between his legs, cupping him through his boxer briefs with sinfully deft fingers. Kylo startled, moaned and eagerly lifted his hips as he felt the other tug as his waistband.

“I’ll promise you, you’ll sleep like a baby when I’m done with you!”

And then Hux was gone, sliding down. The mattress moved. Hux really wanted him to fuck him in his office, looking down at the bridge. The second the redhead’s wet tongue licked along his length, even before that deliciously hot mouth closed around him, all thoughts left him.

He really did sleep like a baby that night.

 

***

 

“So, this-” Hux was searching for words. Kylo could practically see him grimacing, even though the redhead was currently in the other room, preparing his usual morning dose of extra strong tarine tea. “- _disturbance_ in the Force… has something like that happened before?”

Kylo sat on the bed, pulling his boots on. The night of dreamless sleep had done him good. His overall situation was still the same as yesterday, though. “Similar to this? Only once. The weeks before my- before Skywalker attacked me.”

“So what?” Hux peeked around the doorframe. “Your following anger was the cause?”

“More like the shift in the Force. The balance didn’t just got unsettled that day, it tipped toward the Dark Side.”

Hux nodded in understanding – which was still weird in regard to Force-related things. “And since now the Dark Side is dominant, you’re afraid this disturbance is announcing a shift towards the light.”

Together with his dreams there was no other interpretation possible. He nodded. “I _need_ to find Skywalker.”

“Are you sure it’s him?”

“The Supreme Leader thinks so.”

“And you? What do you think?”

Kylo looked up, unwilling to acknowledge his doubt. Unable to hide his unease. “He has to be the source. Otherwise we have nothing to go by.” And no chance to prevent whatever was rippling through the very fabric of the Force.

_As if you even could prevent something of this magnitude._

He pushed the thought aside and got up. “That’s why I need to leave. As soon as possible.”

Hux nodded. Not happy, but he understood. “I know. Just-” He looked down at something Kylo couldn’t see. “Fire, water or the one that hurts to look at?”

“What?”

With a grin and a small shrug Hux took a step forward. He held three little bags in his hand. A bright orange one with wavy hues in yellow and red, one in a light blue, that reminded him of Chandrilla’s ocean at a sunny beach, and – last but not least – one that consisted of myriads of dots in every color imaginable.

Kylo grimaced. “The one that offends my eyes. The sooner we get rid of _that_ the better.”

Hux threw it to him.

He caught it and pulled out the small piece of paper inside. The small and uneven handwriting was easy enough to read. They were just what he needed.

 _Happiness_.

 

TBC


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo finally gets a useful lead on the map. And learns something else along the way as well...

 

“I’m one with the Force and the Force is with me,” the worhsippers chanted in unison while Pluras Ren stood behind their kneeling forms, intimidating as always.

The constant noise of the jungle filled the small clearing in front of the overgrown temple: screeching animals, rustling foliage, the tippling of insects. Moist air clung to his mask, his lungs; filled them with the thick smell of the living ocean all around, in all shades of blue and purple. A pale green sky stretched above. Whatever backwater planet this was, it was beautiful, if strangely unnerving.

Four days after he’d left the Finalizer Pluras Ren had contacted him with news about a sacred temple where a few people tried to become one with the Force. Natives had spotted a visitor where there had never been one for years. Five days ago. Her investigation had unearthed that _something_ had left the temple. “Should I apply deadly force or do you wish to make them talk yourself?”

Even if he weren’t by far the best interrogator of his Knights, the best at ripping the answers right from those stupid minds, he would’ve come himself. This had been the best lead in seemingly forever.

“I’m one with the Force and the Force is with--”

“I don’t think so!”

With a sharp gesture he reached out, grabbed one of the pathetic worshipers – the whole sorry bunch of them as Force-insensitive as they come – and pulled them towards him. The woman cried out in surprise, but clamped her mouth shut the second her body came to a stop right in front of Kylo, still on her knees.

He leaned forward, looked down at her, using his height as well as his mask to intimidate her. “Who was the stranger who came here and what did he take from this place? Answer me!”

That woman had the audacity to shut her eyes at him. She _ignored_ him. “I’m one with the Force a-”

“Enough of this!” he spat, pulled up to his full height and clawed his right hand.

The rest of the words died on the woman’s tongue. Her eyes popped open, blue like the jungle around them and frightened. And yet the expected panic, the desperate fear for one’s life that made one say anything to save one’s skin, it never came. A calm acceptance settled over her face instead, as she sagged forward, her trembling arms barely able to keep her gasping, choking body upright.

“No!” someone screamed.

He looked up. A bald man struggled to get up, but a sharp push from Pluras’ hand against his shoulder and her lightsaber far too close against his neck shut him up again. Kylo turned his focus back on the woman. He loosened the grip around her throat, but didn’t give her time to get her breath back, instead he grabbed her brown hair and pulled her head back.

“I can just as well take what I want!”

Without any kind of warning he delved right into her mind. It’s rarely a pleasant experience, especially if the other person fights him every step of the way. He tried to avoid it if possible, but it was also the most effective way to get answers out of proud and stubborn idiots. It took a lot of focus and energy to keep the connection, fight the victim’s resistance and not lose oneself while seeing and feeling the memories of the other person. Also, it left one vulnerable for outside attacks, but Pluras was here and she had his back.

The woman yelped in surprise. Her mind instinctively fought against the brutal intrusion right from the start, but she wasn’t trained, her struggles nothing but tugging hands and scratching fingernails. Irksome, yet a laughable effort. He pushed on, focusing his anger and impatience into the action, and like a sharp knife he easily slipped right to the very core of her.

She groaned.

“Who was the stranger who came here and what did he take from this place?” he asked again.

The images formed right in front of him, the woman unable to help it. A man, tall and slim, shrouded in loose robes, human. Old. His hair was just as white as that short beard on a long face. A familiar face: Lor San Tekka. An old friend of Skywalker. And his mother.

Grinding his teeth in anger he pressed out the rest of his question again: “What did he take from here?”

He saw a small datachip in her mind, changing from one hand to another. A nasal voice said: ‘We guarded it for centuries, but it’s the will of the Force that this secret now leaves this place. Guard it well!’

“What’s on that datachip?”

As he didn’t get an immediate response as before he urged deeper, ripped at random places to find what he was looking for while bellowing the question again right in that woman’s mind: _WHAT IS ON THAT DATACHIP!!!_

The woman cried out beneath him, then whimpered. This deep inside her mind he could feel her pain, feel her tears. They only infuriated him further. _Useless!_

“It’s a map!” someone cried, a male voice. “Please! _Please_ , stop! Let her go! Just- _please_!”

Pleasantly surprised by the sudden change in events he pulled out of the woman’s head, not completely, but enough to put a part of his focus beyond his immediate interrogation. It’s the bald man again, struggling against Pluras’ hold, now without any regard for the crackling blade inches away from his throat. If desperation had a face, he’d be looking at it.

He’d be a fool not to use that.

“What’s on that map!” he demanded to know. And pushed right back into that woman’s mind. He doubted that she knew, and even if she did, finding the answer _now_ in the mess – the utter _chaos_ – that his first attack had left behind would be a pain in the ass. Her mind was raw, an open wound, bleeding pain and panic and shame and love for that bald fool. And fear for him.

Baldy cried out again, just as pained and afraid as his lover: “ _STOP!_ Stop, please! I tell you everything you want to know, just- please stop hurting her!”

_Just as expected!_

Kylo grinned underneath his mask and let the woman go, body and mind – secretly glad to be out of that hellhole that was her head. She slumped to the ground, limp and panting, her hands cradling her head. Quiet sobs filled the air.

The bald man renewed his struggles and Kylo projected a quick ‘let him’ towards Pluras. The man jumped up and hurried towards his lover or sister or whatever, without any regard for the two Knights of Ren around. At least until Kylo reached out and stopped him mid-run a few feet away from her.

The man gulped. “Are you alright?” Even now his sole focus was on that sorry sobbing heap between them. “Come on, talk to me, fae. Please? Shinae sou resra, ma fae?” (please say something, my love/dear/darling)

Kylo did a double take.

_Fae? Did he just say ‘fae’?_

And he’d heard that language before as well.

He pulled the man closer and pushed into his mind without hesitation nor finesse. “Where are you from?”

“Arkanis,” came the gasped answer. It wouldn’t have been necessary. He’d instantly recognized those dark and mossy forests in the man’s mind. Or that depressing sky. Not to speak of that kriffing drizzle.

Pushing that insight aside for later inspection he forced his mind back on track. “What’s on that map? And why did Tekka want it?”

“It’s a map to the first Jedi temple. It’s said that Luke Skywalker went there.”

_A lead to Skywalker! Finally!_

A surge of elation set his nerves on fire. Finally a lead! And what a lead that was!

“What does Tekka want it for?” It was a redundant question. He already knew. Tekka would see to it that this information reached the Resistance who was desperate for the help of the former Jedi. Something Kylo couldn’t let happen.

“I don’t know.”

“Have you seen the map? Where _is_ that first temple?”

“No. I don’t know.”

Not the answer Kylo was looking for. He pushed in deeper into the man’s mind, clawing left and right to search for anything regarding that map or temple. The man cried out in pain.

“I don’t know. I promise. Please-”

That wasn’t good enough. That wasn’t _good enough_. He needed that map. The knowledge _from_ the map. So he dug deeper, rooted around without mercy – and found nothing.

A weak voice rasped through the desperate groans and pitiful whimpers of the bald guy. It was the woman on the ground. She hadn’t moved, only glanced up at him, afraid and desperate. And resigned. “We don’t know. We just guard it. We never looked at it.” There’s more. Thoughts so clearly there beneath the surface, projected outwards, maybe on purpose, maybe because her barriers were in shambles. _It’s a Jedi temple. Only Jedi should know its location._

He knew she said the truth. He let the man go, who collapsed immediately. The woman scrambled across the ground and grabbed for his hand. They clung to each other like a lifeline.

Location or not, he’d gotten valuable information here. Finally a lead on Skywalker. He turned to Pluras. “Good work!”

She nodded stiffly. “What about them?” she asked and pointed at the whole bunch of worshipers.

Kill them all. The words were on the tip of his tongue. But his eyes were drawn back to the couple on the ground. Lovers, not siblings. He’d seen it in the man’s head. They’re pathetic to look at and yet-- the way their hands were entwined--

He nodded towards them. “Those two were very accommodating. Leave them. Kill the rest!” Sparing them, after what he’d done to their minds, was probably the more cruel thing to do, but those entwined hands looked to much like his and Hux’…

“As you wish, Master.”

Kylo turned and left for his shuttle, deaf to the cries behind him.

  


***

  


“So you finally managed to unearth some information, if not the man himself.”

The slight wasn’t unexpected and yet it still dampened his elation at finally getting somewhere with his till then fruitless search.

“But I will!” Kylo stated, firm and – as so often when reprimanded – a tad defiant. “It’s only a matter of time now. Tekka’s interests have never changed. He’ll be easy to find.”

“Make sure that he is. Under no circumstances can this map reach the Resistance and-” Snoke huffed, the bluish flickering gaze of his hologram fixed on Kylo, “- your _mother_.” There was something vile in his expression, like a sick combination of glee and malice. The same that was always there when Snoke made any kind of reference to his bloodline, constantly reminding him of the stain he couldn’t get rid of. “The Skywalkers joining forces-- that would be more than enough to tip the balance of the Force into their favor. _That. Cannot. Happen._ ”

Kylo pressed his lips into a thin line. “I understand, Master.”

“Don’t contact me again unless you have something to show for it! And _don’t_ disappoint me again!”

The hologram shut off. He grabbed the little projector with the Force the same second and smashed it against the wall. He closed his eyes, shut everything else out and just breathed.

 _You found a hint. You know what to do. You_ will _succeed!_

 _Gaining this information_ is _a success, a small one, but a_ vital _one!_

When he opened his eyes again his breathing was back to normal and the muscles in his hands and shoulders had loosened up again. He got up and knelt down in the corner, searching for the holo-projector. It was in pieces. He growled, pissed with himself. “Great. Audio it is, then.”

Within the next half hour he contacted each of his knights in turn, as well as any of his contacts to inform them that the whereabouts of Lor San Tekka took top priority. The man was an explorer and a believer in the Jedi way. He was way too curious to stay away from civilization and too spiritual to avoid holy places, thinking himself so damn full of wisdom that needed sharing. Would Tekka travel to the first Jedi temple himself? That place had to hold everything Tekka always dreamed of. Hell, even Kylo would love to get his hands on the knowledge that had to be hidden there.

 _If there even_ is _a real temple and not some abstract, metaphysical nonsense. It’s a myth after all. Nothing but a myth._

Or maybe not.

No matter the hidden secrets that might or might not be there, he needed to find Tekka before that map reached the Resistance somehow. So he contacted the Finalizer. Hux wasn’t on the bridge, but after a sharp demand the officer’s stuttering stopped and he was put through directly to Hux’ comlink.

It took longer than expected to get an answer.

“General Hux.”

Kylo cringed. It wasn’t much, and someone who didn’t know Hux as well as he did – someone who hadn’t woken up with the other man next to him – would have a hard time detecting it, but Kylo heard it at once. “I woke you up.”

“Kylo? What- is everything alright?”

“I’m sorry. What time is it on the ship?” He never kept track.

There was something that sounded suspiciously like a suppressed yawn, then a sigh. “That’s irrelevant now since I’m awake anyway. I might as well start the day early.” His voice sounded rougher than before, his usually absent Arkanisian accent slipping in around the vowels.

A fond smile graced his lips. Hux didn’t hide his groggy state any longer, not with him. Kylo knew he’d never let his guard down around anyone else like that. “I found out who’s got the map.”

“Who?” Hux sounded instantly alert now.

“Lor San Tekka. An old friend of Skywalker. And Organa. I need to find him.”

“Wait a second.” There was rustling, then the familiar sound of fingers tapping against a datapad. “I’ve heard that name before. Ah, there he is. Yeah, there’s old data on him, from the days of the Empire. The man stole information that should’ve been destroyed, on more than one occasion. Turning it over to the New Republic, no doubt. His last known whereabouts are-- Nuresh III. I’ll inform my contacts.”

He nodded. That was good. More sources of possible information was always good. And he had a place to start. “I’ll head to Nuresh III right aw-”

“No, you won’t!”

Startled by the sudden vehemence, he spluttered. “Wha- sure I will! It’s the only-”

“There’s a current alert in the system. Nuresh III is fighting a planetwide outbreak of Grassna-pox.”

“So?” He asked, the old and so often uncontrollable defiance roaring up again.

“ _So_?” Hux hissed. “It’s deadly to humans and as far as I know, Force or not, you are still human. We’ve got the vaccine on board.”

_Dammit. Dammit. Dammit._

He had no time for this.

“Kylo?” There was something in Hux’ tone that Kylo hadn’t heard before. Not like this, anyway. “ _Promise_ me you’ll get back here to get the vaccine.” _Don’t do anything stupid._

He sighed. There was hardly anything else he could do. He might be able to boost his body’s healing properties through meditation, but he wasn’t immune to a deadly virus. The filtration system of his mask might be able to filter the virus out, but was it really worth the risk?

“I will.”

Hux’ relief was audible. “I’ll inform the bridge. We’re on our way to meet the Sovereign, but we’re ahead of schedule and can afford a little detour and come your way a bit. I’ll have the bridge send you the rendezvous coordinates and settle everything with medbay 2 about any precautions regarding Nuresh III.”

Kylo had to shake his head. Even woken up in the middle of the night Hux was efficient to a fault. It was truly amazing. “Thank you. And Hux?”

“Hm?”

“What time is it?”

“I told you-”

“ _Tidge!_ ”

“3:10.”

_Start the day early! Ts! Don’t you dare!_

“Oh for Force’s sake, cut the crap about an early day! Even _you_ need to sleep at some point. Promise me you’ll go back to bed after this.”

There was a sound, an intake of breath, then a heavy, begrudging sigh. “Fine,” Hux grumbled.

After cutting the connection to Hux it didn’t take long for the Finalizer to provide him with a set of coordinates and a time frame. He changed course, set the autopilot and browsed the limited databank of the shuttle for information about Nuresh III and Grassna-pox. There wasn’t much but it was enough to know that he _wanted_ that vaccine, even though the detour was highly annoying.

On a whim he looked up the basic data profile on Arkanis. There was a dictionary attached, like with most alien languages. He spoke the word ‘fae’ and let the computer look it up – since he had _no idea_ about the written language on Arkanis. It didn’t take long to get an answer in form of a short entry.

_fae (spoken: fei) – noun_

_1\. soul_

_2\. term of endearment for a life partner_

Kylo stared at the screen for longer than intended.

 

TBC


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A forced detour leads to knew understandings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for leaving you like this for two weeks. I went on vacation and I wanted to post another chapter before I left and let you know and then I got sick and I wasn't sure if I could even travel and everything got a bit out of hand and I have to admit I completely forgot.
> 
> But now I'm back and hopefully everything should go on as it did so far.
> 
> Enjoy this chapter!

 

_Twelve hours. Great. Just great!_

Kylo hurried towards the bridge, his long and heavy strides pushed on by his frustration. A quick visit to medbay, a just as quick conversation with Hux, maybe a stolen kiss or two and then off again to follow his leads on Lor San Tekka. _That_ had been the plan. Now he needed to stay at least twelve hours because of possible severe side effects to the vaccine. If it were only something uncomfortable like a rash or a headache or something, he wouldn’t have cared, but the droid had mentioned loss of vision and diverse signs of neural damage.

He should’ve asked beforehand and found another solution. Now it was too late.

The broad doors opened noiselessly in front of him and he strode onto the bridge. Heads turned his way only to snap back to their tasks. Apprehension settled all around, it almost lifted his mood a bit. If it weren’t for the fact that he couldn’t spot the familiar red hair of Hux anywhere. Nor the face of Captain Peavey, his second in command. Through the transparisteel window he could see the Sovereign, an old Imperial class destroyer.

“Lieutenant,” he stepped up to Mitaka who cringed before facing him out of timid eyes. “Where is General Hux?”

“Um, he’s in a meeting with the command staff of the Sovereign, Sir.”

There was more, he could feel it. Mitaka averted his gaze, fidgeted, it didn’t take much more than a surface scan to see what was going on in his mind. Mitaka wasn’t sure if he was _allowed_ to tell him.

Kylo’s voice vibrated with annoyance and anger. The vocoder made it sound quite menacing. “Don’t forget, Lieutenant, that I’m just as much your commander as General Hux!”

It was threat and reminder enough.

“Of course, Sir,” Mitaka swallowed hard, probably realizing that his mind wasn’t a safe place. “Captain Edrigan from the Sovereign wants to push the expansion into the mid-rim forward. The general wants to do the same, but he wants to wait a little while longer since his weapon is as good as ready and-”

“Understood.” He didn’t need to hear the rest. This wasn’t the first occurrence like this. Hux put all of his faith in the giant weapon he built, whereas others either longed for a real fight or were loath to see Hux take all the credit.

Kylo had no plans on getting involved.

“I’ll be in my quarters and I don’t wish to be disturbed. Under _no_ circumstances. Is that clear?”

Mitaka nodded hastily. “Aye, Sir.”

He left without another word.

Trapped on the Finalizer and with Hux engaged otherwise he would make the most of the peace and quiet of his quarters and meditate. Maybe the Force would help him find Tekka. He’s not a Jedi, so he couldn’t mask himself like his former teacher most likely did, and Kylo was familiar with him, with his very essence, if only from a lifetime ago, but maybe that’ll be enough to locate him or at least get a feeling for where to look through the Force. Accomplishing something like that was easy if the other person was a Force-user who wanted to be found, who wanted the connection. If the other didn’t want to be found, it was practically impossible. It was different with someone Force-insensitive, though. They couldn’t hide, but it also took much effort and skill to gain any information about the other person’s whereabouts. He’d tried it once with Hux. It hadn’t been easy, but he’d at least been able to determine that he was alright and on the Finalizer.

He’d also tried it with Hux’ mother and his sibling, but apart from a headache he’d gained nothing. His theory was that it took a certain degree of familiarity with the other person for this to work.

Still, it was worth a try with Tekka, especially since he couldn’t just lay back and do nothing these next twelve hours.

It wasn’t working.

Sweat was dripping from his forehead, the beginnings of a pounding headache were forming, just behind his temples and his concentration was slipping more and more as his exhausted mind struggled to hold on. He slammed his hand against the floor next to him, as he finally gave up and opened his eyes. The slap sounded dull, weak. Groaning and cursing all the same he got up, his legs wobbly and his vision darkening for a second, before he got himself something to drink. He sank onto the chair at his personal console. The cool water felt good on his tongue.

He wiped his forehead. Should he report the headache to medbay?

His eyes flickered towards the console. Before he’s even aware of any specific plan he had already opened the ship’s databank on information about Arkanis, or more specifically on the language information about the word ‘fae’. It’s the same entry he looked at in his shuttle.

_So, it’s an endearment. And?_

Still, it’s nagging at him. No matter how far he pushed it aside. He couldn’t really explain it, couldn’t even really put a finger on _what_ nagged him exactly.

He entered another search parameter: Cennadan fae.

His finger hovered over the button that would activate the search. He shouldn’t do this. It felt like betraying Hux. This was _Hux’_ thing after all, his turn on sharing customs from their past. And Kylo wanted to honor that, wanted to experience this with his lover’s guidance, not by cheating. For Force’ sake, he hadn’t looked the custom up after that traumatizing reliving of Hux’ fear to find out what else was waiting for him, so why now?

The worhipers from that jungle planet were instantly back on his mind, the couple whose love for each other he’d exploited to gain information. The way they had looked at each other. The way the monk had said ‘fae’.

No, he couldn’t put it in words, but there was _something_ that wouldn’t let him rest.

He pressed the button, guilt gnawing at him already.

The search result popped up instantly. Not what Kylo had expected, but- well. He skimmed the text. And choked on his drink.

It’s only water but it burned in his lungs as he coughed to get rid of it again, while his mind was running into overdrive. He forcefully wiped the moisture from his eyes the second he could breathe again and read the article again.

And again.

The information stayed the same.

Did Hux know?

_Of course he knows!_

Hux was born on Arkanis. He’d heard about this custom as a boy. He _had_ to know. And he said, he’d never thought he’d do it himself one day.

Kylo had assumed it was because of the soul baring. It made sense after all, but _now_? Maybe…

But did that mean that he wanted…

He rubbed his hands across his face. They were cold and sweaty and that had nothing to do with his exhaustion from the failed location attempt. They even trembled a little bit.

He read the information again.

_The Cennadann Fae is an antiquated yet still performed custom that originates from the clan era. It’s specifics as well as the intent behind it changed drastically since then. What started as a ritual to ensure safety and honesty during negotiations between clans developed into an engagement ritual. It is usually performed in the time between a marriage proposal and the wedding. It is supposed to strengthen the bond by opening up to one’s future partner all the way, by letting him in and share the good about oneself as well as the bad, the fun as well as the hurt._

Lor San Tekka and the map were surprisingly unimportant after that.

 

***

 

That evening he sat in Hux’ quarters. On the floor. Mostly calm again. At least on the outside.

A whole afternoon, spent on nothing but trying to force himself to stop thinking about all the possible implications and possibilities. He didn’t know for sure if Hux knew or not – although it would be just like him to propose this way – _a custom for couples, to strengthen their bond, their closeness –_ without having to actually _voice_ his feelings while at the same time forcing himself to bare himself emotionally in every other regard. It’s warped and contradictory, just like Hux when it came to dealing with emotions.

It didn’t matter if Hux was aware or not, this whole thing was Hux’ show. Hux was setting the pace, no matter where it led, and Kylo knew how much this meant to his lover, so he would respect that and wouldn’t ruin it. He’d keep this to himself-- somehow-- even though it was hard to keep the ear splitting grin from his face.

Kylo just sat on the floor, cross-legged, and waited for Hux. He tried to meditate to calm his mind some more, but he was still running a high and the best he could accomplish was a light trance like state that kept his endorphins running. He should probably worry about his task, but right now he just couldn’t find it in him to care.

At some point the door opened and Hux startled. “You’re still here? I thought you’d leave right away again.”

He forced his mental grin away to not reflect on his face. “Obviously the vaccine is half as deadly as the virus itself, for I need to stay in case it tries to kill me.”

Hux rolled his eyes, but with a fond smile. “Now you’re just being overly dramatic.”

He shrugged and gave one of his best innocent little smiles. Hux rolled his eyes even harder, then came over, leaned down and kissed him. “I have a lot of urgent reports that I need to get to. Thanks to Captain Edrigan and his inability to put logic _before_ his overgrown ego.”

“It’s fine. I need to meditate anyway.”

And he did. He really did. He still had a job to do, just as Hux. He even tried, at first, to gather himself, shut everything else out, empty his mind and become one with the Force to let it guide him to Lor San Tekka. It still was for naught. There were certain things in his mind that didn’t want to stay quiet. And his mind also didn’t want to travel elsewhere. Whatever he tried, his focus kept slipping back to the man a few feet away, sitting at his desk. His mere presence in the Force kept him from leaving. Everything about him far more fascinating than anything else ever could be. His mind took note of every small movement of his, of his breathing, his heavy sighs and derisive snorts and provided him with an image that couldn’t be far off the real thing.

It’s hard to suppress a smile.

It’s even harder to keep track of time with something so deliciously distracting to focus on.

“Kylo?”

He didn’t react. Instead he concentrated on his face, that it remained just as blank as it usually did when he meditated. He couldn’t really say why, he just did. The chair scraped against the floor and soft footsteps followed. He could feel Hux getting closer, leaning down, his voice so much closer as he spoke next.

“It’s late and I’m going to bed now. You coming?”

Again, he didn’t react at all.

“You could at least say something,” Hux said, clearly miffed now.

Kylo sighed, inwardly grinning now, as he gave his best impression of a patronizing lecture. “I’m meditating. It’s about blocking all outward distractions to focus inward.”

“Ah,” Hux snorted indignantly. “So I’m a distraction now, huh?”

It’s not easy suppressing the chuckle that fought to come out at that. He could practically picture his lover right now, having his arms crossed in front of his chest, the wings of his nose flaring slightly. But he managed to keep his stoic expression, his eyes still closed, which only made him hyper-aware of everything that happened around him. Like Hux kneeling down behind him now.

“You have no idea how distracting I _can_ be!” It’s a threat and a promise all in one, but most of all, it’s a challenge, and Kylo was more than looking forward to it.

The first touch was incredibly gentle. He should’ve known.

Cool fingertips stroked through his hair, all the way down to his neck where they pulled it back and pushed it aside to reveal the tender skin of his neck. The warm puffs of Hux’ breaths got closer and without wanting to Kylo tensed in anticipation. A pair of soft lips nudged against his skin, right next to the collar of his tunic, their touch so barely there he wanted nothing more than to lean into it if only to feel more. But he stopped himself, kept himself still and seemingly unimpressed. Slowly those lips nibbled across his skin, mouthed and kissed their way further up his neck until a cheeky, wet tongue licked at his earlobe.

Feeling Hux’ warmth so close, his hands ghosting across his shoulders and back while his lips applied the same languid caresses on their way down again, it got increasingly hard to not move. Damn, this was torture. Sweet torture, but torture nonetheless. It set his nerves aflame and in the end he shuffled, if only just a tiny bit.

Of course Hux noticed it.

Kylo could feel Hux’ grin against his skin. Urged on by his little victory the redhead put even more effort into his self-acclaimed task. Hux’ lips latched onto that soft spot right beneath his ear, teeth holding him in place as his mouth sucked for real this time. _This_ would leave a mark, he was sure of it. His teeth clucked against each other as he bit down hard to fight the moan that built deep in his chest as Hux laid his claim on him. Something his neither regions showed quite the interest in.

Distracted by his lover’s skill with his mouth he only noticed that Hux had sneaked his hands underneath his arms as the fingertips of seemingly randomly tracing hands teased over his nipples every now and then.

He’s breathing harder now. And he’s shuffling again. He couldn’t help it.

“Seems like you’re getting a little distracted, hm?”

That smug tone went straight to his dick. He wanted to see the accompanying expression on Hux’ face, wanted to revel in it, wanted to wipe it off, kiss it into submission.

“You’re imagining things.” His voice came out huskier than he would’ve thought.

Again he felt Hux’ grin, this time against the abused patch of skin at his neck. His breath hitched for a second. A bare hand – when had he gotten rid of the gloves? - worked its way underneath the seam of his tunic and roamed over his warm skin. The touch so soft and barely there, his muscles rippled underneath his skin, trembling with anticipation, with the need for more.

Hux chuckled softly, then licked his neck, before latching onto that spot again.

His groan rumbled in his chest, his throat- and died as his teeth clamped down hard on his tongue. The pain was enough to keep him focused, if only for a little while amidst all those feather-light touches from fingers and that one bruising force of lips. He shuffled again, wanting more. Wanting to get closer to Hux and closer to those devious hands. Wanting to get some friction.

“This self-control here,” Hux mused, curious and amused alike after he released Kylo’s deliciously burning neck and placed a kiss on it. “I’m sure there are a lot of consoles on board who wouldn’t believe their eyes right now, don’t you think?”

Again, he gave no reaction. By now he was too far gone to come up with a clever comeback to that jibe.

“I wonder how far I can go.”

The words were whispered directly into his ear, sending a shiver down his spine.

Hux leaned closer, pressed the whole length of his chest against Kylo’s back. His face was still where it had been, nuzzled against his hair, his lips so close to his ear he could feel every breath on his skin. Nimble fingers traced diffuse lines across the skin of his belly before they pulled back from underneath his tunic. And brushed against his hard-on. So damn accidentally that it had to have been on purpose. His hips twitched on instinct, a small, jerking movement, desperate for more.

Hux chuckled against his ear, the sound deep and rich, like velvet on bare skin.

Then those long fingers closed around his length, giving it a teasing stroke.

It was enough.

Kylo finally moved. Faster than he’d ever moved before, aided by reflexes and the Force and the burning desire deep in his belly. Hux’ startled yelp was music to his ears. Barely a second later he looked right at the breathless redhead who currently sat in the hollow space between his legs, his own slender legs loosely hooked around Kylo’s middle.

Now that he wasn’t playing anymore, he allowed the low growl to slip free. “You’re worse than a Corellian cattle fly!”

Hux on the other hand recovered much faster than expected and simply licked his lips, rather unimpressed. “I seriously hope so!” That said he leaned forward and latched his still wet lips onto the other side of Kylo’s neck, nibbling and kissing and licking.

Kylo groaned. One of his hands buried itself into that slick hair, hating the greasy feeling of pomade where there should be red and soft fluffiness. Another growl escaped his lips. He wanted more! So he gripped tighter and pulled Hux away from his neck, up and up, until those delicious lips were right in front of him. Their gazes locked and he couldn’t tell who started it, but the next second they were kissing. Hot mouths moving against each other, open and wet and eager for the curious tongue and gentle teeth of the other, while at the same time their hands roamed each other’s chests and backs, divesting them of uniforms and tunics and all the rest of unnecessary barriers until finally there was nothing but heated, sensitive skin.

Even now there’s nothing hurried about this. Hux had started this and Kylo was more than willing to answer in kind, his big hands gentle and soft, each touch languid, often random, trailing invisible lines, tracing from one tiny freckle to the next, while teasing a nipple in between.

The smell of Hux so close to him, so all around him, was intoxicating. Their slow pace maddening and exciting. He pulled his lower legs a bit closer which made Hux slip closer as well on his lap. Close enough that their groins rubbed against each other. They both groaned shamelessly into each other’s mouths. His pants had stopped being comfortable a long time ago. He wanted out of them. Wanted to feel all of Hux bare and exposed and just for him. Wanted to taste every inch of that pale skin. Wanted to feel those torturous ghostly touches everywhere.

He wanted more. Wanted everything.

“Not on the floor!” he panted in between kisses.

Without further notice he grabbed his lover’s ass to get a hold of him and pushed himself up in a totally impossible way, helping along with the Force, since there was no way he’d part with Hux even for a second.

Hux didn’t even notice. He just gazed up at Kylo as soon as his back was touching their bed, something intense and strong and vulnerable in his eyes that Kylo couldn’t describe.

A fingertip traced over the hickie at his neck. He hissed, never looking away as he slowly descended and kissed and licked a way from between Hux’ pink nipples right down to his belly button, where his hands got to work on his uniform pants.

 

***

 

It’s pure post-orgasmic bliss as they lay there, motionless, boneless, their breathing not yet back to normal and their skin still sweaty and too warm. And yet this felt different. More intense.

They rarely had sex like that. All hot breath and light touches, languid and maddeningly slow, their gazes locked the whole time.

_Beep. Beep._

Kylo groaned and threw his hand across his eyes, as if that could tune out the infamous sound of Hux’ comlink. Hux on the other hand, scrambled up and halfway across Kylo until he could reach the damn thing.

“General Hux. What is it?”

“Lt. Mitaka, Sir. You wanted to be informed the minute we got word of the base.”

“I did.”

Kylo tuned out the rest of the conversation, too tired and selfish to focus on anything that would destroy his utter content. Instead he merely watched and listened to anything but words. The redhead sounded every bit the stern general, even while being sprawled naked across his chest, their skin still sticky with cum and sweat. His chest jerked slightly with bitten back chuckles.

“What?” Hux asked the second he closed the connection.

And Kylo couldn’t keep it in any longer. He laughed, one of his hands drawing random lines across the planes of Hux’ back.

“Imagine if he could see you right now...”

Hux raised an eyebrow. “Who? Mitaka?” The second eyebrow followed, then Hux laughed himself. “He’d probably have a stroke or something.”

“Question is, because of your current state – which looks absolutely ravishing by the way – or because of your current pillow.”

“Probably both. But although you’re not that bad as a pillow I’m not going to fall asleep like this!” That said, Hux got up, waving one hand in his direction. “Come on!”

Kylo followed without complaint, but only because he wasn’t ready to part with Hux yet. They shared a quick shower, washing each other but nothing more. Although it was late they both didn’t feel like calling it a night just then and there, so Kylo went into the other room, still bare ass naked, torn between preparing a cup of tea and pouring them both a glass of whiskey.

He settled for the second.

When he got back, two glasses balanced in his right hand, he found Hux leaning against the headboard, his datapad in his lap.

With a quick flick of his left hand the datapad was in his own hand and discarded on the nearest flat surface. “Oh no, you don’t. No more work. Not now!”

He climbed onto the bed, watched as Hux’ annoyed expression turned into something else as his eyes roamed his body instead after looking up. Kylo liked it. He slipped behind Hux who moved forward a bit while at the same time stealing one of the glasses.

Hux inhaled the rich scent of the drink, nipped and moaned. An almost obscene sound in the quiet, now that it wasn’t accompanied by harsh breathing and soft cries. His head dipped back until he rested against Kylo’s chest.

Seeing that expression of pure enjoyment, if even just from an unlucky angle, he forgot about his drink and leaned down to kiss that lovely freckled shoulder instead. He could easily stay in this moment forever. Just the two of them. Happy and relaxed, without any worries being able to touch them.

If only it were possible…

“This is it,” Hux suddenly mumbled, his voice so soft he barely understood the words.

“Hm? This is what?” He asked, his lips still working on those freckles.

“Happiness. Right here. Right now. With you.”

The words rang on inside of his mind. Resonating with his own thoughts from just a moment ago. Amplified by the knowledge he’d gained this afternoon. It took him a moment to realize that Hux was referring to the Cennadan Fae and that small piece of paper he’d pulled out of a bag that had read ‘happiness’.

It only made the warmth inside of him spread.

“I just thought the same.”

Hux turned, slowly. His eyes were alight with something beautiful he’d never seen before and a smile edged across his lips. Lips that Kylo captured, unable to resist. _Unwilling_ to resist. It was just them. Annoyingly domestic, but actually _happy_.

“Mmh,” Hux groaned and pulled back. “Watch it!”

_Oops!_

He’d been so focused on the kiss, he’d forgotten all about the glass in his hand. And the whiskey which currently dribbled across Hux’ belly. Hux took the glass out of Kylo’s hand, eyeing him with a mischievous look.

“Careful, Ren! One could think you did this on purpose.”

Kylo slipped out from behind him and caught his lover’s gaze with his own. He shrugged. And winked. “Who knows, maybe I actually did?”

A second later his tongue dipped into his lover’s belly button, slurping part of the spilled whiskey while Hux wriggled beneath him, the sensitive skin there ticklish as ever.

 

***

 

When another nightmare woke him, he got up, his twelve hours over by now. With no more excuse for slacking he sneaked out in the middle of the night, leaving a note on Hux’ datapad. He thought about waking him up, but the redhead looked so peaceful and Hux didn’t get enough sleep as it was, so he decided against it.

_I’m sorry I had to leave. I take the orange one this time. Just message me what’s inside. Love you!_

 

_***_

 

A few hours later a blinking light on the console informed him of an incoming message. Just text.

_I understand. Character defining strength. Be safe._

 

TBC


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking about their strength scratches at insecurities and fears and other hidden things. Question is: would it have been better if they'd stayed hidden in the shadows?

 

He jumped to his feet, his knees bent and his arms at his side; his lightsaber flew from its place at his hip into his hand and flashed in angry red, ready to fight.

The cockpit of his shuttle was utterly unimpressed with his display.

His harsh breaths rasped in the silence. There was no threat here. It had just been yet another nightmare – when had he fallen asleep? - only _this_ time he remembered something. It wasn’t much. Mostly sensations. Biting cold against his skin. Unbearable heat all around. And one image, as clear as the flashing red blade before him. Hux’ face, paler than he’d ever seen him, almost waxy. Dark circles were under his dull eyes, that burned with determination. And a single drop of blood clung to his split lip. That tiny bit of blood was so bright against the paleness of everything else – even his hair looked colorless – it seemed to be the only thing alive.

Kylo deactivated his lightsaber, put it away and dropped heavily back into the pilot seat.

That’s when he noticed the beeping, heralding a holo-message. Maybe that had woken him up. He reached for his mask, ignoring the tremor in his hand. Meanwhile his eyes latched onto the console and checked the controls. At least that gave his mind something else to focus on and a chance to calm down again.

He was still on his way to S’garrog’Ko. After he’d followed Tekka’s trail for days he’d come to a dead end. But then one of his contacts _and_ one of his knights had reported rumors about a possible Tekka sighting on a planet in the middle of nowhere that absolutely no one apart from the natives could pronounce.

His helmet clicked into place and after one last steadying breath he activated the holo-emitter. Hux’ image flickered to life in pale blue. No blood on his lips.

“That took quite a while. Am I interrupting something?”

Hux was alone, possibly in his quarters, that much was clear from his teasing tone, so Kylo took the mask off again.

A bluish eyebrow climbed across his lover’s forehead. “Did you sleep at all since you left?” During the last three days? Yes, just not very much. “Or is it the nightmares again?”

No, this wasn’t a topic he felt overly inclined to talk about right now, so he changed topic altogether. Deflected. He’d learned from the best after all. “What’s the occasion? Or did you just use your comm-priviledges because you missed me?”

Hux ignored that just as deliberately. “It’s finished!” The rapture vibrating in his lover’s voice, the pride beaming from his eyes, there was no question what he was talking about. “We’re heading there right now for the final inspection before we can power her up.” There his enthusiasm faltered and something almost unsure took its place. “I know the timing couldn’t be worse, but-- just in case you’re close by and could spare an hour or two--”

He had to bite back on the grin. Hux was terrible at asking for anything. It wasn’t surprising, the man was only used to either commanding or simply taking. It was charming. In a way.

In a sense he’d expected this ever since he’d read those words on the screen: _character defining strength_. He’d just known that Hux would choose Starkiller Base for that part of the custom. Hux was right, though, the timing was really terrible. He still had no real lead on the map. Or Skywalker. Not even Tekka.

His eyes scanned the console again. The base was just on his way to S’gagg- whatever that planet was called again. En route.

One or two hours.

 _Dammit_.

“Expect me,” he made a rough estimate of his arrival time given his current course, “in roughly six hours.”

  


***

  


They walked side by side, like so many times on the Finalizer, long strides and heavy footfalls easily matching up. In the past he’d wondered what kind of figure they’d cut, walking like this; enough that he’d dipped into the mind of a clueless stormtrooper, just below the surface to look at them from the outside. See what others saw. And it was marvelous.

The general in his immaculate uniform, all sharp angles, his chin up high, that constant tense line along his jaw and his green eyes piercing and seemingly all-seeing. His hands were clasped behind his back and his heels clacked against the floor in a sharp, relentless staccato that had all his officers scrambling to look busy and efficient.

And himself next to him, shrouded in the mystery of flowing robes, a cowl that was the very opposite of Hux’ immaculate optic, and – of course – his mask. His steps were heavier, also threatening, but in a different way. A primal way.

Together, they were like two sides of a coin, complementing each other in every way possible and yet dangerous, each in their own way.

Together, nothing could stop them.

Kylo was sure that the officers and stormtroopers, maybe even the droids, that crossed their path could see that, too. He didn’t need to dip into their minds to taste the air of respect and fear that surrounded them. Hux’ greatcoat probably even enhanced the effect.

But for once Hux seemed annoyed by it. Or by the constant presence of others who greeted and saluted and barely left them a moment to themselves. Before he knew it, Hux entered a code into some panel and a door slid open. Kylo followed him out into the snow. The area was sufficiently lit by the lights from the buildings all around. He could see the long stretched corridor to his left that led to the big building not too far away: the main oscillator.

“At least here we got the chance to talk,” Hux said and led the way across the white planes that stretched between the buildings and the dark trees that covered most of the planet.

It’s night and cold, the air brisk even through the filters of his mask. He wanted to take the mask off and smell the air. He wondered if the heavy scent of coniferous trees would tickle his nose. But even more than that he’d liked to watch the tiny white snowflakes settle onto flaming hair, melting there as if kissed by fire.

Of course Hux’ hat didn’t allow for that.

Out here, without the constant distractions he could clearly feel the power beneath his feet. The ground was practically vibrating with it, with only that little part of raw energy that had already been siphoned from the sun. It’s mighty. And terrifying.

And it felt wrong.

“I knew you’d choose this place for the strength part,” he said to distract himself from the wrongness beneath.

“You did?” Hux turned his way, his face illuminated by the artificial light from the building.

He nodded. “It’s the obvious choice. This weapon is like you, in a way. A burning power inside, kept at bay by nothing but order and structure, strictly controlled, while on the outside it appeared mostly harmless and cold.”

Hux stopped and stared at him, frowning. Scrutinizing. He seemed unsure what to make of that statement. Knowing Hux he probably wasn’t sure if he should be pleased or offended by that comparison. “That’s how you see me?” he asked instead, then shook his head and started walking again. “Anyway, that’s not why I chose this place. All of this,” he drew a wide circle with his arm, encompassing everything around them, “came from _me_.”

Suddenly Kylo understood. He’d never thought about it before. And he wished he could take his mask off, now even more, since it felt like a barrier. Disconnecting him.

“This project here is my biggest achievement. The stormtrooper program is ingenious, don’t get me wrong, but it’s based on _his_ idea. But this weapon here is _mine_.”

His satisfaction was practically oozing off of Hux, no need to take a closer look at his mind. Kylo couldn’t hold it against him, really, the need to set himself apart from his father, not after what he’d seen of Brendol Hux. Still, there was something about that gleam in the redhead’s eyes that was strangely disconcerting.

They’d crossed the field already and entering another kind of code Hux opened a small side door to the oscillator. The second they step through they’re faced with two raised blasters, aiming right at their chests. Startled – he really shouldn’t let anyone jump at him like that – his lightsaber soared into his hand, the angry red of his blade tinting the stormtroopers in front of them in an eerie light. Hux next to him raised his hand and ordered the troopers to stand down while he put his other hand on Kylo’s forearm, the one with his lightsaber. As the blasters were lowered he deactivated his weapon and put it away again. One of the troopers started a stumbling apology, but Hux was having none of it, praising them instead for their quick reaction and good work. He looked pleased.

Well, security was working. So much for that.

Hux led him further into the building until they reached a giant chasm with a bridge across it. Red light shone up from inside. Only few guards were patrolling the perimeter of the room, keeping their distance, and even though the room was vast and cavernous their footsteps didn’t echo into every last corner. Probably because of the rushing sound, like a heavy draft.

In here the vibrations from underneath were stronger. Not physically palpable, but within his mind. The sheer power was overwhelming. He stepped tentatively onto the bridge, the wrongness of this place gave him goosebumps.

In the middle of the bridge Hux stopped and turned. “We won’t be overheard here.”

Not with this noise all around. It wasn’t overly loud, just loud enough to stop their voices from carrying.

“We’re at the heart of the weapon. This is where the containment field is generated, where all that power is controlled. It seemed like an adequate place for this.”

Kylo knew enough about the workings of this weapon to know what that also meant. “It’s also the most vulnerable part. The weak spot.”

Hux opened his mouth to say something, then didn’t. Instead he clenched his teeth for a second, looked him in the eye and grumbled: “Yes, it is.”

He frowned underneath his mask. Was this Hux’ way of telling him, that he thought his own greatest strength to be his weak spot as well?

Hux interrupted his train of thought, though, his head cocked slightly to one side. “It’s strange telling this to a mask.”

“We can go somewhere private.”

“No, it’s- this is fine. It’s just- strange, not seeing your face.” Hux straightened his shoulders, maybe to keep up appearances for curious eyes. Or maybe to bolster himself for what was to come. With this custom one never knew. “I guess, fear and hatred can bring forth great strength.”

_Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred fuels power._

Kylo snorted. It sounded derisive with his vocoder. “Indeed.”

This disconcerting gleam was back in Hux’ eyes. It was more than his usual determination. A focus so intense, so angry, Kylo had to look away. “So can humiliation.”

Kylo’s hands balled to fists.

“I tried to prove my worth to my father my whole life. A fruitless endeavor. I know that now. It could’ve broken me. Instead that environment, that very fruitless endeavor, gave birth to a strength that my father underestimated. Steely determination.”

That much was true.

“And ambition,” Kylo added. A hunger for power that lurked underneath the surface. One that might even rival his own. For a moment he wondered into what kind of person that little, rainbow-chasing boy would’ve grown up to if he’d been raised by his mother instead.

Hux huffed a laugh. “Yes. And that.”

“You certainly never give up. If you have set your eyes on something you turn just as tenacious as a mynock who’s latched onto a ship.”

“Did you just--??”

Kylo ignored his lover’s indignation at being compared to a mynock, no matter if compliment or insult. “I guess, _that’s_ your greatest strength. That, and that infuriating patience of yours.”

Hux laughed. A short, clipped sound, his face barely moving in case they were watched. But his eyes sparkled with amusement. “Yeah, not exactly _your_ strong suit.”

“You don’t say,” he snorted again. Only now did it occur to him that he’d been so busy with his task these last days that he hadn’t really thought about himself. About what he considered _his_ strength. And not just any strength; a _character defining_ strength. There’s only one thing that came to his mind. Only one thing, foremost and without a question. And it had defined his character, no doubt. “I’ve got the Force, though.”

The energy hummed around them, a stormtrooper patrolled in the distance and cast them a short, but curious glance and Hux scrutinized him with that intense gaze that made Kylo feel as if Hux was the one inside his head.

“You think that’s your greatest strength? The Force?”

Kylo nodded. What else could there possibly be?

“I disagree.”

 _Of course_ Hux did. It was just typically Hux. The disagreeing as well as the writing off of the Force. “Care to enlighten me then?” he asked, challenging. But he was also truly curious.

Hux took a step closer to the edge of the bridge – close enough that Kylo instinctively reached out his hand towards him – and looked down. Then he turned again. “You may see it as your weakness. I see it as your strength. That conflict within you, between the light and the dark.”

Kylo inhaled sharply. The mask turned it into a fierce hiss.

“It fuels that restlessness inside you that makes you constantly strive for more. And it makes you unpredictable and therefore highly dangerous.”

It’s hard to comprehend those words. How could Hux possibly come to _that_ conclusion? This constant struggle was nothing but a nuisance, an endless fight against the light that – no matter what he did – usually ended in failure. It tore at him from the inside. How could Hux think _that_ to be a strength? Snoke had called it his greatest weakness, this failure to overcome the pull to the light.

And it was.

A weakness.

“You can’t be serious.”

“I’m dead serious.” That he was. It was written all over the redhead’s posture, his face. “You want to extinguish the light within you, Kylo. But what then? Are you still you, then? Yes, you’d be an unstoppable force, devastating to your enemies. But what about your allies? What about me? Would you still be capable to care for the people on your side? Would you still be capable of love? Or would you become as detached and egotistical as our Supreme Leader?”

Hux took a step towards him, his eyes quickly roaming the surroundings, checking for possible eavesdroppers. “This isn’t what I had in mind when I brought you here, but-- I know you don’t want to hear this, and I know I don’t know a thing about the Force, but I think that one side can not exist without the other. True power lies in balance. That’s why the Jedi failed. Why the Sith failed. You cannot ignore half of an existing basic fundamental power that is everywhere.”

Those words rattled at the very foundation of his world view. Hux was right, he didn’t want to hear this. And what did Hux know about the Force anyway? Hux knew _nothing_ about the powers of the dark side or the light!

“Seriously? A lecture about the balance between light and dark, good and evil? From _you_? _Here_? At the very core of a weapon built to destroy billions of lives in the blink of an eye?”

Hux took a step back, surprise at his unexpected outburst widened his eyes. Then his gaze hardened and the hands at his sides clenched into fists. “Not. Here.”

With quick strides Hux hurried off. Kylo followed him. This time no one dared to address them as they headed through the corridors. Time stretched, every step just another in an endless line, but instead of calming down again he was still seething inside. It got even worse the longer they walked. Each staccato of their boots another infuriating detail that added up.

_True power lies in balance._

_The Sith failed._

_Would you still be capable of love?_

Those words, all those words, they echoed through his skull, over and over again. They screamed of rebellion. Of betrayal. And yet they were exactly what he’d longed to hear for a long time. A confirmation of what he’d suspected, deep, deep down, but what just couldn’t be true. It _mustn’t_ be true. The consequences… no, _they mustn’t be true_.

So he did what he always did. He lashed out, fueled his confusion into anger. Denial and rage were far easier to comprehend, anyway.

The door fell shut behind them and Hux was on him the same second, his eyes like ice, his finger pointing at him.

“You’ve got a problem with my weapon?” he hissed, his voice sharp like a knife. “ _YOU_ of all people? The Jedi-killer?! And take that damn thing off!”

Kylo shed the mask gladly. His voice boomed inside the confines of the room. “There’s a difference between killing dozens in a direct fight, watching their lives drain out of their eyes, and obliterating whole planets, Hux! Simply by pushing a kriffing _button_!”

“ _I never planned on USING it!_ ” Hux screamed, an angry flush spreading from his face down his neck.

Kylo opened his mouth, ready to shout back, when the meaning of those words suddenly seeped through. He blinked, took a step backwards. “What?”

Breathing heavily Hux threw his hat aside and raked a hand through his perfectly styled hair, unaware or not caring that he messed it up in the process. He started pacing.

“I never--”

Kylo waited for more to come, but it didn’t. The distress that oozed out of his lover was enough to calm down what the surprise hadn’t already eradicated. His shoulders sagged. Suddenly he felt very, very tired.

“Did you really think the threat of a weapon like that would’ve been enough to scare the Republic into submission?”

He knew the answer already. And so did Hux, as he sighed and feebly admitted: “No.”

No. Of course not, Hux was not an idiot. And yet he’d pushed that part aside, fooling himself all this time. He didn’t _want_ to use it. But why build it then?

The answer was far too easy: to proof himself. To make a contribution to the Order that dwarfed everything his father had ever done.

“Every weapon ever built got used, one way or another. It’s ready now. They’ll expect you to use it, Tidge.”

“I know.” It’s nothing but a whisper, another feeble admission of someone who found himself at a dead end, with his back to the wall.

His own voice was just as thin as he spoke, but he had to know. He didn’t want to, but he _had to know_. “Could you? Could you really do it?”

This wasn’t like killing an enemy, not personal. This wasn’t like the fight on a battlefield, not even like targeting an enemy ship’s fuel tanks so it’d explode, taking the whole crew with it in the blink of an eye. This was murder on a scale that was so beyond anything comprehensible. Billions of people, enemies and possible allies and innocents alike. The passing of a single soul, taken by force, could be felt like an outcry in the Force. What would the death of a whole planet feel like?

 _Grandfather would know_.

And what good had it done to destroy Alderaan? What good would it do the Order to just go on, blowing up planet after planet that opposed them? Where would it stop?

Hux had stopped his pacing, but he didn’t look at Kylo. And he still hadn’t answered.

Kylo _needed_ to know. He couldn’t say why this was so important, couldn’t tell what he would do with that information, but he _needed to know_. There was also no insight gained from Hux’ surface thoughts, his mind firmly shielded.

When Hux finally spoke, it wasn’t what Kylo had expected. Neither the reproachful tone, nor the words themselves. “You never said anything.”

He should’ve seen in coming, though. No, he hadn’t said anything. He’d pushed it away, unwilling to deal with it until the whole thing blew up in his face, right about now. There’s nothing he could say to that. They’re both guilty of brushing facts aside, too cowardly to face them.

“If you fire this,” Kylo began; he didn’t hide the fact that he loathed to think that Hux would – _could_ – actually do such a thing, “it might get rid of the Republic, but the Resistance will only get stronger.”

Hux huffed and gave a noncommittal wave with his hand. “They’ll be too afraid to-”

“No, Tidge! Facing a destructive power like that- it feeds a kind of desperation that burns.” If he couldn’t reach Hux through appealing to his moral code of not wasting lives, not wasting resources, then he had to make him see the consequences for the Order. Hux should know, he knew his history better than most. “They’ll be all over us. They won’t care for their own lives anymore. They’ll fight with everything they have, no matter the odds. Their desperation will make them unpredictable and more dangerous than you can imagine.”

The ice returned onto his lover’s features, freezing his expression into something hard and dangerous. Hux crossed his arms and spat: “ _You_ should know.”

It’s a low blow. He could feel the anger bubbling up inside him again, the venomous retort forming on his lips…

_Beep. Beep._

Kylo threw his hands up, proud and pissed all at once that he didn’t just crush that damn comlink with the Force. “Of course,” he spat, “important as always.”

Hux ignored him in favor of a surprisingly colorful curse, before he answered it. Some Lieutenant or the like, asking about the whereabouts of Kylo Ren. Hux barely suppressed a growl whereas Kylo was surprised. He put his mask back on, glad for the barrier between him and Hux, and answered. It turned out that Gleb, one of his contacts, was calling. Hux activated a holo-emitter and the face of the female Aqualish shimmered to life.

“Lord Ren, I’ve got a present for you. Del Meeko. He was seen with Tekka not too long ago.”

“Very good. Where?”

“Pillio.”

He was out of the door even before the hologram had time to shut off.

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't be able to post next week since I'm away for a few days. You'll get the next chapter on the 14th if I manage, otherwise on the 15th.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And just like that everything crumbles around them...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot of this chapter might feel a bit familiar ;)

 

The stars outside painted long streaks across the blackness of space, glowing bright and creating the impression that his ship got sucked into an iridescent tunnel. With every lightyear he put behind him he got calmer. He almost wished that thick throng of emotions back from before, the fiery anger, even that paralyzing confusion that he still couldn’t make sense of. Everything was better than the emptiness inside him now. The whole mess seemed so small and unnecessary all of a sudden. It left him hollow and with a bad taste in his mouth.

They weren’t new to arguing, but this argument between them had completely lacked the biting quality of their early fights, full of scathing sarcasm. It hadn’t even been their first argument since their relationship had come to life, but this one had been different. Usually they argued about preferring different strategies or about their respective bad habits that ticked the other off, mostly on the more stressful days. But this time their words had cut deep, had unsettled them and nagged at things they were both unwilling to confront. This time it had been infinitely more personal.

Hux’ words still rang through his mind, over and over again. They had him still reeling. The Force. Balance. Even now that he was calm again, they wouldn’t stop. If anything, they got louder, sharper, braver. Teasing out the questions he’d never really dared to think about. Had Snoke lied to him about the source of true strength? Or did he not realize the power of balance? Was he in too deep to even see? Was it even true at all? Or was Hux wrong? Hux knew nothing about the Force! But why then was he unable to shake his words?

_Would you still be capable of love?_

That one haunted him the most.

Kylo was glad for the distraction as he arrived on Pillio. Gleeb knew not to test his patience, but Meeko was adamant about resisting. He’d picked the wrong day for that. Kylo didn’t hold back. He pushed into that man’s mind with wild ferocity, equally using the task to push Hux out of his mind for a moment as well as channeling every emotion he wasn’t willing to face right now into ripping this man’s mind apart.

Rasping breaths interspersed with pitiful whimpering sounds followed him outside as he left. But he had what he came for. Tekka was in Tuanul, a small settlement of the Church of the Force in the Kelvin Ravine on Jakku. He also knew for certain now that he wasn’t the only one searching for the map. The Resistance had been snooping around, asking questions already.

He needed to ask fast now.

Back on the ship he contacted Commander Hask. As a former colleague of Meeko the man had a personal interest in attaining the man. Should the Commander see to the broken man, then Kylo could concentrate on the important things.

He’d barely left the planet when he got a message from Hux, clipped and nothing but professional, although the sparkle in his eyes was missing. It felt strange, talking to him again, and yet not talking at all. Hux had gotten the order from Snoke to assist him, since that map could not fall into the hands of the Resistance. They arranged rendezvous coordinates to head to Jakku together.

They barely saw each other after he arrived on the Finalizer. Kylo couldn’t say if Hux avoided him or if he unconsciously avoided Hux. He hated it and yet he didn’t know how to face him, so he concentrated on his mission instead, trying to ignore the tension and this horrible feeling of wrongness that crawled across his skin and twisted his stomach whenever they had to interact with one another.

He went to Jakku and suddenly everything happened way too fast.

One moment he was interrogating the Resistance pilot, plunging yet again into a foreign mind – but the desperate, panicked helplessness of the man reminded him so much of Hux’ greatest fear that he almost threw up after pulling back – and the next moment a stormtrooper deserted, freed the prisoner, managed escape and Hux’ men managed to fail the simple task of retrieving a kriffing droid.

And to made matters worse, the ever present rippling in the Force started changing. Pulsing. Focusing. Whatever was about to happen, it was happening _now_.

Now that he lost the map. Now that the map was in the hands of a deserter and an unknown girl.

Supreme Leader Snoke wasn’t impressed with their incompetence either.

Kylo should’ve known. Should’ve seen it coming and yet it still sent a chill down his spine. Hux proffered to use the weapon to take out the Republic. To get rid of one enemy at least, although Kylo was still convinced that their fall would lead to the rise of an even greater enemy. Hux, who’d been at least reluctant to use his weapon a few days ago, now actively advertised it. He should’ve known, Hux dealt with failures by pushing forward and trying even harder to get back in his superior’s good graces. Having not just his soldiers fail in a simple retrieving mission but also having his methods of conditioning questioned with such disastrous consequences-- but actually seeing him cross this line of his own volition-- Kylo looked at the man next to him and he wasn’t sure he knew him at all.

Then Snoke confirmed what he’d already feared: the droid wasn’t just on any Corellian YT light freighter, but on the Millenium Falcon. Worse even: it was with his father.

He was ready to face that test!

_Am I? Am I ready?_

He got barely time to ponder it. He was on the bridge of the Finalizer, ready to follow the trail of the Falcon. They weren’t that far away anyway. But he couldn’t find it in him to give the order, not yet. Hux was down there, on his precious weapon, giving a speech no doubt. Hux had a way with words and fueled by his need to prove himself as well as his hatred for the Republic Kylo had no doubt that it would leave an impression with his men.

Bright red energy erupted from Starkiller base in a single line, almost like the blade of a lightsaber, only it didn’t fold in on itself, it reached out farther and farther, hungry for destruction after being locked up in a cage. He could only watch, his stomach in knots and his mind hollow. Till now he’d somehow hoped that Hux wouldn’t do it.

The red streak passed, fanned out into the vast darkness. It looked beautiful.

A wave of fear and panic swapped over him after a while, carried by the Force. It didn’t take long. There’s the sudden outcry of billions of souls, destroyed in the blink of an eye. The Force was screaming in agony at the horrible wound, ripped into the very fabric of reality.

_Hux did that!!!_

His knees were weak, the ground beneath his feet felt unstable, but he knew it was all in his head. Bile rose in his throat, his stomach churning. For a pathetically long moment it was all he could do to not throw up inside his mask and to force his muscles to keep on standing straight. He could not betray his weakness. Not here. Not now.

He forced it all out of his mind. Forced himself to only think of his mission. He couldn’t deal with anything else right now.

He didn’t obtain the droid, or the map. Not even the deserter. But he found the girl. Truly an unknown factor in all of this. Strong and defiant. The Force was blazing around her. She was powerful and yet she had no idea. No training. A raw diamond, waiting to be shaped. And she’d seen the map. So he took her instead.

Fooled by his own intrigue he underestimated her. The interrogation should’ve been an easy one. Make her talk, dive into her mind if she doesn’t and take what he needed. She was untrained after all. An error he wouldn’t make a second time. Her strength was remarkable, her desperation granting her a focus, a control, it would’ve been mesmerizing if she wouldn’t use his own methods against him and root around his own mind. She saw more than she was supposed to before he could push her out again.

On his way to Snoke he began to wonder. Maybe it wasn’t about Skywalker, maybe it was about her. The ripples in the Force. The sense of foreboding, of _change_. The Force was strong with her. She’d be a powerful ally, a force they needed to secure for their side.

The girl knew about the map. A fact that Snoke didn’t care about. He wanted to see her himself, yet ordered Hux who’d managed to track the Resistance down to ready his weapon and destroy them once and for all.

He shouldn’t care, but he did. Part of him was screaming that this was wrong. That this couldn’t be the right way to accomplish their goals. Destroying whole systems, billions of lives. Ripping deep wounds into the fabric of the Force itself. And yet another part of him snickered that they finally got what they deserved. It’s ripping at him, tearing him this way and that. He didn’t know what to feel, which way to turn. Were these the only options at hand? How could Hux possibly think that this conflict made him stronger when it only wanted to make him vomit?

How could Hux talk of balance and then kill billions in a single stroke?

How could he do it _again_?

But could he? Had Kylo imagined the way Hux’ face had paled a notch at Snoke’s order to ready the weapon for another strike?

_The girl! Just focus on your task! Just focus, Snoke knows what he’s doing. He will lead you as he always has!_

Doubts crept through his mind from all sides, but he ignored them. _Had_ to ignore them otherwise he’d fall apart. He needed guidance. Needed to get rid of the light if he ever wanted to feel whole again.

_Would you still be capable of love?_

The interrogation room was empty, the girl gone. Escaped. All doubts and conflicts got pushed into the shadows of his mind as burning anger seared through his veins. He’d underestimated her. _Again_!

Then all hell broke loose. The Resistance attacked – like he’d promised: a weapon this powerful made them desperate and ready to risk everything. And that’s exactly how they fought. His instinct led him to the thermal oscillator, it was the weapon’s weak spot after all. As it happened, the Force led him in the same direction. Was the girl there?

“Ben!”

The voice echoed through the vast room, just as it echoed through his mind. His breath hitched for a second. He wished for the girl instead.

_You are ready for this!_

Maybe, if he told himself often enough it wouldn’t feel like a lie.

He took off the mask and told Han Solo the truth: Ben Solo was dead. Destroyed for his foolishness, his weakness. Fifteen years he’d worked for this, so why didn’t his words sound more convincing? Why?

“Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants he’ll crush you. You know it’s true.”

_I know, but what can I do?_

All his doubts sprung out of the shadows, their branches thicker and more solid than ever. Yes, part of him knew. Part of him had always known. But what could he do? He was in too deep. And the light wasn’t his path. He’d left that behind forever the moment he’d killed the other kids at Skywalker’s school. The Supreme Leader would lead him to greatness, he just needed to keep his eyes open. Right? No, it didn’t matter if Snoke used him or not. He couldn’t go back.

“It’s too late.”

“No, it’s not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you.”

Those words, _those words_ , they pierced right through his heart, awakening an old pain and a longing he hadn’t know had lain buried within him. It’s ripping him up from the inside, tearing at his very soul. He’s saying so, asking his father for help, something he hadn’t done in such a very long time.

_Because he never was any help!_

No, that wasn’t true. Not entirely. He knew what he should do. But how? How could he?

Or he could simply leave. Follow his father out of here, leave everything behind and become Ben again. And then what?

He wanted to scream, shout his pain into the deadly vastness below. He felt weak. Weaker than ever before. But leaving now wouldn’t make him stronger.

_Hux!_

No, he couldn’t leave Hux. No matter what, he couldn’t leave him. Things between them were strained, unsure, but that didn’t change the fact that he loved that fierce, impossible man.

_I’ve never laughed so much before in my life. Or after. That is- until I met you._

_My whole life no one has ever cared for me-- not like this._ Never _like this. And you just…_

_There’s no reason to be ashamed. Not with you._

_I trust you Kylo. I know you won’t hurt me._

_This is it. Happiness. Right here. Right now. With you._

No, leaving was not an option. But if the easy way out was barred, if the light was out of the picture, there was only one way left for him to go. And that way didn’t come cheap.

He acted before he could further think about it, knowing that he wouldn’t have the strength to do it, then. His lightsaber ignited. His father’s eyes widened, just a fraction. There was betrayal in his eyes. Pain and betrayal. But then Han raised his hand and caressed his cheek, a touch from such a long time ago. It sent shivers down his spine. His skin prickled. And his father looked at him with understanding. And forgiveness.

_No! Don’t you dare! I don’t want your forgiveness! Hate me! HATE ME!_

He watched him fall, right into the heart of the weapon and something in him tore, something that couldn’t be fixed anymore. A scream filled the room. Then a roar. And pain exploded in his side, brought him down to his knees.

Chewie. The deserter. And the girl.

There’s no time to process anything and it’s good that way. He had chosen his way and that way led him out into the snow of Starkiller Base, away from the screeching of TIE-fighters and the roaring of X-wings, soaring through the night sky like angry insects.

His path was confrontation.

Pushing the girl against a tree. Fighting the deserter, so full of fury and determination.

He hit his injured side. Blood splattered into the snow. Pain flared. Almost blinded him. But it fueled his anger, his rage. His hatred. That pain was just the kind of focus he needed now, a strength born from the dark side; one that he needed desperately, for there’s something empty within him. It threatened to paralyze him, drained him. It _weakened_ him.

He fought the deserter and won.

He fought the girl.

And lost.

So weak.

They left him there, bleeding into the snow. His lightsaber broken and just out of reach. He could barely feel the cold. He should feel it, he knew that on some level, but he barely felt anything at all underneath the shame. And the pain.

More blood was staining the snow around him.

And the planet was falling apart. The raw power broke free from its cage, he could feel it. Could feel the planet aching and the fire roaring.

He needed to go! Needed to leave!

_Hux! No!_

He needed to get to Hux. He had to save him! Get him away from here and to safety! This was _his_ project. The stupid idiot wouldn’t want to give it up just like that. He’d probably think it could be saved. Someone needed to grab him and _save him for Force’s sake!_

But he couldn’t. He’d tried to get up, more than once. By now his muscles didn’t move at all anymore. There was no strength left in him. Just weakness. Paralyzing weakness that felt empty, so empty and cold. More blood trickled from his stomach, from his shoulder, his face.

He didn’t care.

_Hux!_

His mind reached out. Desperate. Searching for that one familiar mind, that felt like home. It’s hopeless, he can’t even get up, how should he ever be able to connect to another mind across this distance? The mind of a Force-insensitive?

And then it’s just there, at his periphery. A mind like a beacon, drawing him in. Calling him home.

_Hux is alive!_ _But he’s still here! You idiot!_

He could feel it as Hux startled.

_Kylo? Is that you? Kylo!_

A sudden laugh broke free from his lips – this shouldn’t be possible, how was Hux even able to sense him from that distance? - it sounded suspiciously like a sob.

_I’m sorry, Tidge! I’m so sorry!_

He’s not sure what he meant. Maybe not protecting Hux’ weapon the way he should have. Maybe lashing out at his lover in anger. Maybe for failing again, for giving up. Or not being able to finish the Cennadan Fae, now. Or never being able to tell Hux that he knew about the marriage part of the custom, or his answer.

Maybe he’s apologizing for all of it.

_I love you!_

The words rang in his mind. And just in his own. The connection had slipped his weak grasp. He closed his eyes, his chest tight and aching. Something wet trickled from the corner of his eye and into the snow.

He had failed.

He’d failed the light by killing his father.

He’d failed the dark by killing his father and not gaining strength from it.

He’d failed his master for being unable to cut his ties to the past. Or the light. He was weak.

But most of all he’d failed Hux. No matter his own thoughts on the subject. This weapon had been _his_ project and he hadn’t done anything to protect it. Instead he’d followed his own demons and had destroyed _everything_ in the process. Even himself.

_Just get away from here, please, Tidge! Save yourself!_

A roaring sound filled the air, different to the groaning of the planet. The ground rumbled. Lights danced across the snow. Something was moving. Was the planet finally collapsing in on itself? There were other noises and a sudden brightness and warmth. Then it got quiet, so blissfully quiet that he moaned.

Pain exploded in his side. His eyes shot open and a gurgling scream escaped his lungs, just for a second, then he’s got no more air left to spend. He’s gasping and something was pressing relentlessly against his side. A pathetic little whimpering sounded from somewhere. And then there’s a hand in his hair, stroking.

“Stay with me, okay?”

_Tidge?_

The fingers dug deeper into his hair, scraping his scalp and his whole world narrowed down to just that touch. The pain dimmed. So did the light and the noises. Just the love from that simple touch stayed a moment longer.

_I’m sorry._

Then even the feeling of fingers in his hair dissolved into nothingness.

 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I don't want to compliment myself, but I'm really proud of this chapter. I think it turned out way better than I had thought and I really, really enjoyed the suspense in the end.
> 
> I hope you liked it just as much.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo wakes up again to utter chaos. If anything the situation is even worse than before.  
> Yet all he wants now is a quiet moment with Hux. Will he get it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we jump right into the next movie...

 

He woke up, slow and sluggish, to pain. Dull and throbbing and everywhere. He moaned, but the sound got caught in something over his face. Something was strapped to his face. No! He needed to get it off, but his arms wouldn’t move the way they should. Nothing felt right, his eyes wouldn’t open, he couldn’t tell which way was up or down, there was nothing around him and yet the very air around him was too heavy. His heartbeat reverberated in his chest, so loud and hard it hurt even more. He couldn’t breathe. Somewhere close something sloshed. And then his limbs grew suddenly even heavier than they already were, the pain slipped away – _a bactatank? -_ and his mind followed suit.

 

***

 

The next time he came to he’s in a bed. He blinked groggily, wondering for a confused moment why the fingers in his hair were gone. He’d liked them. He shook his head, the movement pulling at his wound. The pain was still there, but nothing compared to the agony of the lightsaber slashing him open. Carefully he raised one hand and traced the edges of the wound, covered for now with some adhesive agent, all the way from his forehead down across his face, along his neck to his shoulder. He’d been lucky.

He was in medbay, back aboard the Finalizer. Hux had come for him. Hux had saved him. It should’ve been the other way around and yet the knowledge filled him with warmth. Just as those hands in his hair had. But Hux wasn’t here now. He was alo--

Snoke was here. Pressing into his mind with such sudden force that he would’ve collapsed hadn’t he been lying already.

_REPORT TO ME! IN PERSON!_

The message reverberated within his mind. The words so loud and angry and cold that it hurt. He was left gasping, only realizing that Snoke was gone long after his presence had vanished again. His master was furious.

Kylo pushed himself up, every movement pulling at the lightsaber wound that split his face, but it was the ache of straining, barely healed muscles in his stomach that had him groaning. The thin blanket slipped from his body. His hand flew to his side on instinct, but stopped there, hovering just a few inches above the scar from Chewbacca’s bowcaster. Had he been closer, that shot would’ve killed him.

The doors opened and a droid came inside. He pushed it off. He had no time for this, the Supreme Leader wanted to see him. In person.

_You could’ve left._

Quickly he forced that thought away, back into the deepest corners of his mind. No, he couldn’t have left. Not without Hux.

He’d made his choice. And now he needed to report to his master, even though he’d failed in everything he’d set out to do.

The room tilted for a second, his legs unsteady beneath him as he got up, but he pushed through and soon his body obeyed his mind again. A neat stack of clothes was waiting for him on a chair nearby. Pants, boots, a sleeveless shirt and a thick, padded tunic. His damaged lightsaber laid on top, as did his mask. Hux must have put them there. It was so neat it had to be Hux.

Once clothed and masked he felt almost like himself again. He strode through the ship, heading directly for the bridge. If Snoke wanted to see him in person, he needed to inform Hux to set course for the Supremacy. But the second he set foot onto the bridge he knew something was off. The atmosphere was tense, and even though everyone was clearly busy it was too quiet. Outside the window it was utter chaos, debris drifting through space, sometimes accompanied by the remains of a body. And for the first time since waking up he wondered how long he’d been out. What had he missed? What the hell had even happened here?

His eyes sought out Hux. As always he was right there, in the middle of it, giving orders while looking stoic with his hands clasped behind his back. Only this time he failed. His hair was out of place, his posture seemed more like a desperate facade. Kylo stepped closer. The redhead looked pale – worryingly pale – and haggard. Dark rings colored his eyes with lack of sleep and his lip was split.

It took all his willpower not to stumble back in shock. He was looking at the Hux from his nightmares.

He marched forward, closing up to the general. There was so much he wanted to ask, but only one thing he could, here in front of everyone. “What’s our status?” His vocoder must have gotten damaged, there was an underlying metallic wheezing in his voice.

Hux shot him a quick glance, something like relief in his eyes, before he looked away again quickly, as if burned. His voice was sharp as he outlined the current events in clipped sentences, completely void of any emotion. “We’re in the Illenium system. The Resistance was able to evacuate before we bombed their base. They managed to take out our Dreadnought. They jumped to hyperspace a moment ago.”

_The Illenium system? I must have been out at least two days, then._

_Wait, they took out a_ Dreadnought _?_

This was bad. He usually reveled in being right, but this time he wished he’d been wrong about the Resistance fighting back teeth and nail now, without regard for their own lives. This was _really_ bad.

Hux walked the length of the bridge. Kylo followed and as soon as they reached an area that was a bit off to the side and not directly in line of sight of everybody he grabbed Hux’ elbow to stop him. And to turn him around to face him. He didn’t miss the flinch. Neither the quick spark of fear in those green eyes that was gone as fast as it had appeared.

Kylo pulled his hand back at once.

 _What happened?_ He projected the question right into Hux’ mind.

Again Hux flinched, harder this time. Then he turned away. “Not here. Not now.”

Those hissed words were so low he barely registered them at all.

Hux left with quick, precise footsteps, his eyes gleaming with such steely determination it bordered on manic.

Kylo could only watch and worry. This was all his fault. His eyes roamed the room, still searching for answers. There had to be more than the Resistance getting away again. There had to be. His gaze settled on one blond Junior Lieutenant, who stood fidgeting behind his console. He seemed rattled and was practically screaming his unease and his fear into the room. And his disdain. All it needed was a little nudge against his mind and Kylo saw the scene unfolding before his eyes. The prank call that had left Hux helpless and humiliated in front of his crew. He must have been off balance already for he would’ve easily dealt with something like this any other day. Then he witnessed the destruction of the Dreadnought and the appearance of Snoke. He watched as his master threw his lover around as if he were nothing but a toy, hurting him, scolding him, _humiliating_ him even further in front of his own men.

He pulled back and hurried off the bridge, his jaw clenched so tight it hurt. His lightsaber was in his hand before he even knew how, but it barely fizzled. So his gloved hand connected hard with the wall. Pain shot through his knuckles. And the durasteel wall looked unchanged.

_BREATHE! BREATHE! You’re not helping anyone like this!_

No, he didn’t. He needed to think.

And he needed a weapon.

So he headed for his quarters to work on his lightsaber. He knew from the Junior Lieutenant’s mind that they’d set course for the Supremacy already.

He needed to be ready for whatever was to come.

 

***

 

Although he’d tried to calm his mind, he’s still reeling with everything. Whenever he pushed one thought down another topic resurfaced with a vengeance. Hux’ humiliating punishment by Snoke. Killing his father. His failure. Their argument and Hux’ actually extinguishing a whole solar system. It all clawed at him, tore him this way and that. Guilt, anger, consternation, hatred, sadness, more anger. It swirled inside him, even as he stepped up to his master’s throne room.

He _needed_ a cool mind now. But even that he failed.

Hux was inside as he entered. Snoke praised him, then Hux turned and started to leave. He hadn’t seen him at all since that moment on the bridge of the Finalizer. Hux was still deathly pale, but his posture carried more confidence than before. Had he slept at all since Starkiller Base?

As they passed each other Hux gave him a tiny smile. Reassurance?

He stepped forward and knelt down. It’s harder than usual.

Snoke spoke and each and every word cut right into him. Calling Hux a rabid cur. Calling it a mistake to think Kylo special. New rage burned through his veins.

“Take that ridiculous thing off.”

So he did. He’d never felt vulnerable without it in front of his master. Until now.

“There it is. You have too much of your father’s heart in you, young Solo.” Kylo’s hands clenched to fists. “I should’ve realized it sooner and stopped that stupid liaison of yours that only fueled it further. The general has poisoned your mind long enough, although that rabid cur might still be useful.”

Fury was crawling across his skin like a million ants, setting his very nerves on edge and making it impossible to keep still. And yet he somehow did. The sheer willpower that took made him breathe heavier. He did the only thing left to him at the moment, something he’d learned from Hux: deflecting by pulling the topic away from the redhead altogether.

“I killed Han Solo. When the moment came, I didn’t hesitate.” It wasn’t a lie. There were many ways to interpret ‘when the moment came’. And he _had_ killed his father after all.

“And look at you! The deed split your spirit to the bone. You’re unbalanced.” Snoke’s voice boomed in the cavernous room, echoing from the walls. “Bested by a girl who never held a lightsaber. You failed!”

He knew that and yet those words, those accusations pierced right through him, the final straw after the blatant threat against Hux. The images of Snoke hurling his lover around on the bridge were still fresh on his mind and something in him snapped. He jumped up, ready to attack. He had no weapon, but he wasn’t thinking clearly. Everything in him burned for an outlet to that rage. He wanted to hurt, to rampage, to kill.

Before he got two steps forward blazing lightning struck his chest, setting his whole body aflame with pain and humiliation. He crashed against the floor several feet away from his initial position, his still tender side protesting the rough treatment.

“Skywalker lives. The seed of the Jedi Order lives. As long as he does, hope lives in the galaxy.” Snoke sat back down on his throne as Kylo got up onto his feet again. Only now did he notice that the Praetorian Guards settled back from their attack positions. “I thought you might be the one to snuff it out. Alas, you’re no Vader. You’re just a child in a mask.”

Even after everything those words stung.

Snoke was the very picture of disappointment. Until he huffed a cruel laugh, one of his long fingers crooked against his chin. “I think I know just the thing to put this pathetic conflict of yours to use. We will reach the Resistance any minute now. Leave and make yourself useful for once.”

 

***

 

_A child in a mask._

_Would you still be capable of love?_

_You’re no Vader._

No, he wasn’t. He was nothing but a pathetic weakling who could do nothing right. Who couldn’t even keep the man he loved safe. The rage in him burned so hot in hurt. His mask took the brunt of it until there was nothing left but twisted metal and a totally destroyed elevator. Next were the Resistance fighters. At least they put up a fight, providing a challenge for him. Some truly welcome distraction.

Until something else nudged at his mind. A presence he hadn’t felt in years and one that he definitely wasn’t ready to face right now. She was there, on the bridge of the main ship. His mother. It would be so easy to fire. To kill her and get rid of the ties to the past.

_Let the past die. Kill it if you have to._

His finger hovered above the trigger.

_We missed you. Come home._

His cheek prickled from the phantom touch of his father’s hand. And his thumb hovered. He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t do it.

And then the bridge of the Resistance ship exploded under the fire of his fellow fighters and the faint connection to his mother broke off. A part of him was relieved that it hadn’t been him. Another part was screaming inside at the loss of his mother.

Hux was calling him back. It was a sensible decision. He knew that, and yet it only fueled that remorseless rage within him anew.

Then, of all things, the scavenger girl appeared just as he had a droid work on his lightsaber wound again. She couldn’t be the one doing this, forming and holding a connection like that.

He looked for Hux afterwards, but the man was nowhere to be found, working tirelessly on a dozen things all at once. One officer told him he’d left to inspect the hyperspace tracking device, but when he arrived there Hux had just left. He checked the bridge, his quarters, his office, even the main barracks, the hangar and medbay that held the few injured pilots from the latest battle. It seemed he either picked the wrong places or arrived just a tad too late, missing him by barely a few minutes. In the end he gave up and sought out some much needed solitude to sort through the mess in his head.

Of course fate had something different in store for him. The scavenger girl again. Why was the Force connecting them? It didn’t matter, he didn’t have any energy left to deal with her on top of everything else. He felt tired already.

She was angry, spitting with fire. He had nothing but resignation to offer in return.

“You are a monster.”

“Yes, I am.”

She’s right. A monster. A freak of nature. Too rotten for the light, too weak for the dark. He’d killed his father. He’d been unable to kill his mother. He loved a man who killed billions. And he hated another for punishing just one human being.

Yes, he was a monster.

It took him longer than it should have to realize that the girl was gone.

 

***

 

He finally had enough. Sorting his mind brought him nothing but more questions, most of which he wasn’t ready to answer. He couldn’t take the inside of his own head a second longer, so he went looking for Hux. He had barely seen him at all since that dreadful argument on Starkiller Base, had hardly spoken a few tense sentences although there was so much unsaid between them.

But it wasn’t necessarily a heart to heart he was looking for. He simply _missed_ Hux. He longed for a moment of piece where he could forget everything and pretend that things where just as they had been. Before.

This time he stepped onto the bridge he spotted the ginger general at once. At last he’d found him, and this time even at the first try.

“… update on their fuel reserves?”

A young officer looked up at Hux. “Approximately another 16 hours, Sir.”

So the stalemate with the Resistance would take a while yet. He stepped up to the other man and greeted him formally. “General.”

Hux turned and visibly startled. The errant thoughts escaping his tired mind suggested it was mostly due to the lack of his mask, but his eyes also followed the red scar across his cheek. “Lord Ren.”

Hux looked even worse than before, with his eyes painfully red and his face waxy. Kylo remembered the flinch from last time he’d projected his voice right into his lover’s head, and yet it was the only way to be sure not to be overheard.

_You need to get some rest. You’re no good to the Order leading our flagship like this. You can’t do anything here anyway. Not right now._

Hux shook his head. Just the barest hint of the motion, but his lips thinned as if those words had been a personal affront.

_Please!_

_No! I can’t._

Kylo could feel the underlying fear of even more failure beneath those words as Hux’ exhausted mind wasn’t able to keep his thoughts protected anymore. Hux was desperate to impress the Supreme Leader to make up for Starkiller Base. It almost made Kylo cringe.

_It’s 16 more hours! You won’t impress anyone if you drop dead the moment to eradicate them finally comes!_

Hux jaw clenched. His eyes darkened in anger at having his mind picked. Couldn’t Hux see that he was just worried?

_I could force you to rest._

At that Hux’ head snapped towards him, the muscles at his temple jumping, so hard was he grinding his teeth.

_You wouldn’t._

No, he wouldn’t.

_Try me._

They just stared at each other. Hux angry while Kylo tried to put it all into his gaze alone. His worry, his longing, his misery. His apology. Everything.

_Please, Tidge._

Hux sighed and Kylo knew he’d won. He watched as Hux talked to a woman he’d never seen before, then they left together. It felt odd after all this time, walking next to one another like this, and yet achingly familiar without the loaded tension from before.

As the door of Hux’ quarters shut behind them it’s like shutting everything else out, at least for a while. And yet a little bit of that tension between them lingered around them, disguised as restlessness. A strange air of insecurity that felt just wrong between them. Kylo looked at Hux, took in every tired feature and wondered how the redhead had fared these two days that Kylo had spent in medbay. He wanted to hold him close, to bury his face against his neck. He wanted to apologize and thank him. He wanted to forget everything that had happened. Wanted to spill it all, every confusing and humiliating failure of these last days. He wanted to cry, wanted to be allowed to be weak for a change.

He did none of those things, though. Instead he pulled Hux close, gently, never breaking eye contact. He took the redhead’s chin in his hand and trailed the line of his lip with his thumb, until it came to rest above the scab where it had been split. Again the images played within his mind, Hux being thrown to the ground and hurled across the room. His stomach churned.

“He did this.”

It wasn’t a question. Hux said nothing, but he didn’t look away either.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I failed you, Tidge.”

Hux closed the last of the distance between them and slipped his arms around him as he buried his face against Kylo’s neck, breathing him in with a long, shuddering breath, before he sagged even closer into the embrace. Kylo didn’t hesitate a second and held him just as tightly. God, he’d _missed_ him so much.

“You’re alive. That’s the only thing that counts.” Hux’ voice was muffled a bit, but he understood him anyway, even as he added more quietly: “I’m sorry, too.”

For a long while they simply stood like that, holding onto each other. He knew that the point of their argument still stood between them, and yet it seemed unimportant after everything that had happened. And he didn’t want to think about that now.

He looked down a bit, nuzzled his lips against the pomade slick hair. “Did you sleep at all since-” He couldn’t say it, not with the feelings of defeat that instantly welled up in his lover.

“No. Not really.”

“Then come,” he said and took Hux’ hand, leading him into the bedroom.

Even though he looked about ready to drop Hux insisted on a quick shower. Kylo left him to it. As much as he would’ve like to join him, it didn’t feel right at the moment. And it would’ve probably be quicker if Hux went about it alone.

He started undressing in the meantime.

“I’d rather not do this now.”

Only to be interrupted at the worst possible moment by one of the two persons he absolutely didn’t want to have around right now.

“Yeah, me too,” he replied, half annoyed, half resigned. Was it too much to ask to get a moment of peace? He wished he would’ve any control over this connection to just cut it off.

But he hadn’t. Just as she hadn’t.

Of course she had to ask about his father. She even elicited the admission out of him that he hadn’t hated him, before he had a chance to sort his thoughts enough to be more on guard with what he revealed. Maybe this even was another chance to lure her away from Skywalker. If he only played his cards right.

“Did he tell you what happened that night?”

“Who are you talking to?”

 

TBC


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not easy to find rest after everything that's happened - and is till happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there. I'm sorry for the long delay and I'm even more sorry for the possibly even longer delay that will follow.  
> Let me explain:  
> I haven't managed to finish the next chapter (the one after that is the last one and it's already done). I've written half of it, but the other half is still nothing but a blank page.  
> I wanted to finish it before I went on holiday for 2 weeks. I only managed half. Then a few days ago I was unlucky enough to witness a man my age as he got struck by a train at full speed. He's dead. An accident, not suicide. A guy, as it turns out, that I once knew many many years ago (not well, but still, I knew him and I saw him in pieces). Ever since that writing is the furthest thing from my mind.  
> And as if that isn't bad enough I read today that the European Parliament agreed to these blasted articles 11 and 13 and they'll start discussing them in earnest and no one knows how this will affect our ability to see sites like AO3 in the future (hey politicians, aren't there any REAL problems to solve???). Right now I only want to cry. Or scream my anger into the void. Or both.  
> I don't know right now, if this story will ever be finished, for right now I don't feel like writing AT ALL and I'm really really sorry for that.  
> Anyways, I can still give you this last finished chapter (apart from the epilogue).  
> And again I'm sorry for the cliffhanger, since I can't promise anything.  
> Maybe I shouldn't have posted this at all... I don't know anything anymore...  
> I'm sorry!

 

His gaze flickered towards the refresher, where Hux stood in the doorway in nothing but his regulation briefs. His hair a wild mess and his eyes droopy, confusion warping his tired features into something very vulnerable. Something that he didn’t want her to see. Not under any circumstances!

_Please stay right there and be quiet. I’ll explain in a moment._

“Yes.”

Kylo had to focus on the conversation again, but luckily her condescending expression made it easy for him. She didn’t know a thing. “No. He had sensed my power as he senses yours and he had feared it.” He told her what had really happened that night. Nothing elaborate, just the essentials. The truth of his uncles betrayal.

“Liar!” There was doubt in her eyes. Good.

He took a step closer. It needed just a little bit more to sell it to her, one last statement that would stay with her, nagging and keeping her thinking. He knew just the thing.

“Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. Only then can you become what you’re meant to be.”

Snoke’s words. They’d sounded like infinite wisdom as his master had uttered them to him. They’d felt like just as wise an advice as he’d used them to make Hux aware of the powerful hold that his father still had over him.

Now they tasted like bile on his tongue.

The connection broke and he sank down onto the edge of the bed with a relieved sigh, leaning forward, burying his face in his hands.

“Kylo?” It was barely a whisper.

Kriff, he’d forgotten about Hux.

“I’m sorry. It’s over. You can-” His voice died as he felt the mattress dip next to him and a shower-warm hand settled on his shoulder.

“What was that all about?”

He rubbed his hands across his face, then looked up. The worry showed even through the confusion and exhaustion. He wanted to laugh. Wanted to cry. Instead he simply put his own hand over Hux’ and tried for a small smile. He wasn’t sure he succeeded.

“It was the girl. The scavenger. She’s strong with the Force and somehow the Force connected us. Forged a bond between us. It flares up at the most inconvenient moments, makes us see each other. Able to talk with each other. She- she found Skywalker.”

Hux just looked at him, completely dumbfounded. “You talked with her. Just now. From across the universe. Through the Force.” The way Hux said it, it sounded ludicrous. Then Hux shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’m too tired for this.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Together they crawled beneath the blankets and dimmed the lights to a bare minimum. Hux snuggled against him, leeching off of his warmth and Kylo held him tight. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d slept like that. Well, he _knew_ that it hadn’t been that long, but it felt like a lifetime. His hands caressed every inch of Hux’ back in soothing circles, stroked through his freshly washed hair, reveling in the softness of it as it trailed between his fingers. The scent of his lover’s shampoo and body wash filled his nose mixed with the delicious odor that was just Hux.

He had missed this _so much_.

_The general has poisoned your mind long enough. That rabid cur might still be useful._

Instinctively his arms closed tighter around the other, as if his embrace could keep him safe. He hadn’t forgotten about his master’s threat. It hung like a noose around his neck, not close enough to hurt him yet, but soon he wouldn’t be able to free himself of it.

_He’s using you for your power._

His father’s words were just as unwelcome a memory as Snoke’s. And yet he couldn’t help but think: ‘And he’s using Hux for his clever inventions’.

They were both just pawns, weren’t they?

“Kylo?”

He’d almost missed the quiet voice, if it weren’t for the warm puff of air against the sensitive skin of his throat. He didn’t like that contemplative tone one bit. “Hm?”

“Do you think I traded my father for Snoke?”

His hand stilled against Hux’ back against his will. There’s a lump in his throat all of a sudden. He understood where this was coming from. Hux had hated his father and still worked his whole life to get a tiny bit of respect and praise, if not love, from the man – hell, even dead that man influenced almost everything Hux did – and now the situation with Snoke wasn’t that much different. It was just as useless to try and impress Snoke as it had been with his father since Snoke only respected power that came through the Force. He was only using Hux, he’d even said so himself more than once.

_Father was right. He’s using us both._

He planted a gentle kiss against the redhead’s forehead to buy some time. More than anything else he wanted to say something to comfort him. He wanted to lie if only to make Hux feel better about it all. But he couldn’t. Lying would get him nowhere.

What came out of his mouth in the end even took himself by surprise. “We could leave.”

Hux pulled back from him. “ _What_? You’re kidding, right?”

Kylo shrugged.

“No- no way! The First Order is my life! I can’t just leave,” Hux said, getting more agitated by the second, as he propped himself up on his elbow. “And anyway, we’d be running forever, hunted down by both sides. Where did that even come from?”

_Leave here with me. Come home._

Again his father’s voice sounded through his head and he wished for it to stop.

“Nothing feels right anymore.” He licked his lips. Stalling. Unable to face Hux, until the silence got too much for him and the truth just forced itself out of him. “I killed my father.”

Long fingers gently cupped his cheek, the touch so soft he wanted to bury himself in it and pull back because he didn’t deserve it. He sucked in a shaky breath and didn’t fight it as that hand guided his head to his side until he faced the surprised expression of his lover, but there was also something in his eyes that just _knew_. And he spilled everything.

“Killing him should’ve made me stronger with the dark side. But I’m torn more than ever and I’ve never felt this weak. You were wrong, Tidge. There is no strength in the in-between.”

Hux simply looked at him, his red eyes tired and yet eerily alert, scrutinizing him as if he could see far more than there was to see. “Do you _want_ to leave?”

Did he?

“I don’t know.” He hesitated, thought again, and suddenly he was back in that thermal oscillator. “My father offered it. I was tempted. But I couldn’t leave without you. I’d rather face hell itself than leaving you.”

Hux’ fingers caressed his cheek. The redhead leaned closer until their lips connected in a gentle kiss. “It won’t come to that!”

If only he could believe those words, but one look in his lover’s eyes was enough to tell him, that Hux wasn’t so sure himself. Those last days had cut deeper wounds than he’d liked to admit.

He kissed Hux again, then pulled him close and covered them up with the blanket. His fingers played idly with Hux’ hair again while Hux wrapped his legs around his, his feet like ice against his shin. It put a fond smile on his lips and he imagined running away with Hux. Leaving everything behind: Snoke, the Order, their pasts. He’d take him far away, to a safe place. Somewhere with snow.

Only there were no safe places, not when running from Snoke.

He peered down, watching Hux as he rested on his chest. He’d never seen him this exhausted. Pale as a ghost. The sudden need to touch him got overwhelming and while his one hand still played with his hair, he raised the other to trace the line of his eyebrow. He stroked the back of his fingers along his cheek, his skin catching on the fine stubble. A content hum rumbled against his chest.

His thumb trailed along his lower lip again, lingering on the place it got split by Snoke.

He didn’t notice how long he stayed like this until Hux moved and leaned back a bit, just enough to squint up at him out of tiny eyes that were unwilling to pretend at being awake as it seemed.

“What?” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry. Just- just sleep.” Why couldn’t he just let him rest?

“What is it?” Hux insisted, curious and stubborn as always.

“It’s my fault.”

“What?”

“This.” He dabbed at the little scab on his lip again.

Hux nuzzled back against him. “Don’t be stupid. You weren’t even there.”

He wanted to let it go. To let Hux sleep. But ever since his thumb had touched that wound again he couldn’t shake that fear. It clung to him, settled into his stomach like a ball of ice.

“He’s using you and I’m afraid what he’ll do next.”

Hux tensed. “What do you mean?” He sounded much more alert this time. Alarmed.

“I fear he wants to use you to finally push me to the dark side.” For weeks this fear had festered within him, hidden away, constantly denied and pushed away, but it had only grown. He couldn’t deny it any longer. And although it didn’t change anything, it felt better to finally voice it aloud.

Again Hux slid back and propped himself up on his elbow. “How? I don’t understand.”

For a second he simply stared, before he remembered that Hux didn’t know the Force the way he did. It startled him just _how much_ his lover didn’t know.

“The power of the dark side is all about emotions.”

Hux narrowed his eyes. “But you love me. How is love supposed to make you dark?”

A sad smile tugged at his lips. The question was unusually innocent for Hux. And a clear sign that he was neither truly awake nor clear headed, otherwise he’d figured it out already. “Because I love you, I’m afraid for you. And fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred and hatred is the strongest driving force of the dark side.”

Hux grimaced, trying to piece it all together. A big yawn nearly made his arm collapse, but he braced himself and straightened again. “So by hurting me-- but all of that was his punishment for- for Starkiller.”

“Maybe that’s what he wants you to think. He’s threatening you for weeks now.”

“You never told me.”

He looked away. “I refused to believe that it would come to this. I thought I could protect you. I’m sorry.”

There was only silence. And more silence. He shouldn’t have told him. He should’ve just let him get his much needed – and deserved – sleep instead of burdening him even further like a complete asshole. Carefully he gazed over again, but Hux’ face was unreadable, his eyes distant, so he was deep in thought, probably already trying to scheme a way out of this.

As if it were that easy.

He reached for Hux’ hand, the one that had formerly rested on his chest, and pulled it closer. His thumb stroked across his knuckles as his fingers slipped underneath those long fingers with ease. Then he leaned forward and pressed a kiss against those knuckles. It’s an apology and a promise. A pathetic one at best, but it’s the only thing he had right now.

_Please, just say something._

He hadn’t projected it and yet, as Hux’ gaze focused on him, intense in the dim light, he wondered if maybe he had, by accident.

“Look inside my head.”

“ _What_?” Where did that come from? And why?

Hux licked his lips, but his determination was unchanged. “We still have one part of the Cennadan Fae left.”

That got him moving. Kylo propped himself up as well with a frown. “Now?” He didn’t even try to hide his puzzlement and yet a small part of him cheered, relieved that Hux still wanted to continue. That he still wanted him. But now? He started rubbing his thumb across his lover’s knuckles again. “Tidge, this isn’t the right time for that.”

“It’s the perfect time, Kylo!” Hux slightly twisted his hand, so he could ran his own thumb across Kylo’s fingers. “We don’t know what will happen later on. Please-”

“Alright,” he sighed, although he wasn’t a big fan of the idea. “What is it about, this last part?”

Hux gave a small nod of his head.

As he followed that direction he spotted a small bag on top of the dresser. Reaching out his hand the little thing quickly flew right into his waiting grasp. The fabric was heavy and velvet and the color lighter than he would’ve thought. He pulled the paper out, somehow dreading the words that would be written on it.

He read them anyway: _vision for the future_.

Kylo forgot how to breathe. The future. Never before had the future been as unclear as now. Failure on one side, threats on the other and a terrible and confusing conflict within. He’d barely thought further than ‘getting Hux some rest’ and even that it seemed he hadn’t thought through. Nor succeeded in.

The future. Right now it seemed like a foreign concept to him.

_It’s the perfect time, Kylo!_

Is it? The mere thought of tomorrow, of all the unsolved problems that waited there and the new ones that would undoubtedly add up, scared him. Most of all Snoke and what he might have in store for Hux.

Their gazes locked and Kylo sucked in a breath. He trusted Hux. He was good at such things, at planning ahead.

“Okay,” he said, trying to keep his nerves from showing in his voice and pulled Hux down onto the pillow. They lay on their sides, facing each other. He’s reaching out with his hand until his fingertips touched Hux’ temple. For a moment he simply caressed the other, stroked his hair back, ghosted across the shell of his ear before he finally placed his whole hand against the side of his lover’s face. “Ready?”

Hux gave him a small, reassuring smile and wrapped his hand gently and loosely around Kylo’s. “Yes.”

So he pushed inside. As tired as Hux was it was quite effortless. Till now the memory Hux wanted him to see had always been waiting for him, pulled to the surface already, but not this time. He’s looking around, unsure where to go, until he felt something nudging him forward. Now with a direction at hand he delved in deeper, deeper than he’d ever been before in his lover’s mind. Whatever he wanted to share, even now, in the security of their room he didn’t dare dredging it up from its hiding place. Buried this deep within his mind it would take effort and at least some kind of knowledge for what one was looking for, to force it out of him. At least if one wanted to leave the mind unharmed.

He shuddered.

That’s when something caught his attention. Here, in the deepest reaches of Hux’ mind, everything was dark, kept carefully hidden in shadows, but there’s just _something_ , a glow and a thick turmoil of emotion and he just _knows_ what’s hidden there. And for a second his curiosity won.

He stopped. Ignored the nudging and turned sideways instead. Just close enough to see the fiery red death spewing forth from a planet. Starkiller Base.

_I need to know!_

Again he got closer, just a tiny bit before he stopped and recoiled, realizing what he was doing. He might have permission to be in here, but not to roam free. He’d never betray Hux like that!

A sigh sounded from somewhere. From outside and inside, all at once. “Go ahead. It’s okay.”

So he did.

It’s nothing like the memories Hux had shown him so far. Those had been put in order by pulling them up and thinking about them. What he stumbled into now was something else entirely. It was a mess. Images and emotions, haphazardly pushed aside. There was sadness and the overwhelming feeling of failure. Pride and loss. Starkiller had been his biggest achievement, and now it was gone.

But there was more, even here, in that deeply hidden place, something was hidden away behind strong emotions. Not hidden from intrusion, but hidden from himself.

It felt wrong to be here.

“It’s okay, Kylo.”

He pushed deeper, just enough to breech the concealment. It’s there, right in front of him, everything that Hux didn’t want to acknowledge.

The power of his weapon, that was just too great. Too horrible.

The fact that part of him was glad that it was destroyed.

The horror at the knowledge that his own desperate need for recognition had driven him to forgo everything he prided himself on: not wasting lives, not wasting resources.

The shock at actually, truly, eradicating a whole solar system. So many unnecessary deaths.

Kylo pulled back. A deep shuddering breath left his lips, as a giant weight just fell away from him.

“That doesn’t change anything,” Hux whispered, his voice brittle.

“Not for them. But it does for me.”

He heard a sharp intake of breath. For a second there’s the threat of turmoil all around, but then it settled and Hux nudged him forward again until he finally stumbled right into it, his lover’s vision for the future.

It was mostly just one image, impressively clear in certain aspects and surprisingly vague in others. He saw the First Order flag, waving across the galaxy. Saw the masses cheering. The Order had won and finally offered the galaxy the order and security it had been lacking. The vehemence with which Hux believed in that took him by surprise, even after all this time. He knew now that leaving wasn’t an option, Hux would never turn his back on that.

But there was more. A dais. And on top stood Hux, tall and proud as ever, a thin wreath of gold, ornately wrought, resting across his red hair. That wasn’t what caught Kylo’s mental eye, though. That was the tight fitting, incredibly elaborate white uniform he was wearing, including gloves and a long cape. It was a stunning sight! And right next to him stood he himself, or the Kylo Ren of his lover’s vision. Tall and terrifying in a beautiful black robe, practical and yet striking all the same.

There’s someone else up there on the dais, farther back and not as clearly envisioned as the both of them. It’s a woman, her clothes simple and her face soft, her features diffuse, apart from her eyes. He knew her anyway, remembered those intense eyes and her freckles. Her orange-red hair left no doubt. It was Raenys, Hux’ mother. Which could only mean that the other woman next to her, a small, petite thing with short dark hair had to be Neea, and the vague shadow next to them that barely resembled the shape of a person had to be his sibling.

Kylo swallowed hard. And took it all in.

Only then did he realize what was missing: Snoke.

It’s _THEM_ leading the First Order. The whole galaxy. Together. Not Snoke.

Now he knew why that little vision was buried so very, very deep inside of Hux’ mind.

It wasn’t nearly deep enough!

If Snoke ever found out--

No, he didn’t dare think about it!

He withdrew from the redhead’s mind. Slowly. Gently. He didn’t pull his hand back, though, that touch was the only anchor he had right now.

Hux looked at him, careful and expectant. His eyes looked painfully red as they blinked tiredly.

But Kylo had no words. Ruling the galaxy, if it were only that he might have just laughed, for that was just the kind of megalomania he would’ve expected of him. But the wish for his family at his side filled Kylo with a whole range of emotions he couldn’t even begin to process.

No Snoke. Not even a trace of him.

He’d liked that image.

He leaned closer and kissed the other. It’s gentle and slow, Hux’ eyelids fluttered close. He caressed that pale face, stroked it with his thumb and kept kissing him until his lover’s responses got more and more languid and sloppy. In the end he pulled back and pressed his lips to his forehead instead.

“You should really sleep now.”

“Mmh,” Hux hummed. He’s asleep a moment later, his hand still wrapped loosely around Kylo’s.

He wasn’t that lucky. On the contrary, he didn’t sleep at all with only one thought on his mind: Snoke must never find out about this!

This was treason! He’d kill Hux. No, he’d kill them both. Or worse.

How was he supposed to keep this from Snoke?

 

TBC

**Author's Note:**

> Penny for your thoughts... ;)


End file.
